WEDNESDAY NOV. 23
Some things just don’t work the way you’d expect, like skipping breakfast in order to lose weight or wearing a vintage Dodgers jersey in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, and expecting to receive a compliment (“What’s Ebbets Field? Is it over by the Whole Foods?”). A new poll has found that Fox News is kind of like this, as its viewers were found to actually know less about current events than people who don’t watch any news at all. The poll, by Fairleigh Dickinson University, found NPR listeners to be the most informed, with viewers of The Daily Show ranking second. The results support a recent University of Maryland study that found daily Fox News viewers to be the most misinformed people regardless of political party, though UM noted that there’s a possibility that regular Glenn Beck viewers started off so ignorant that learning what kind of hats the Founding Fathers wore actually qualifies as education.
THURSDAY NOV. 24
If you know anything about integral calculus, then you know that the area under a curve represents volume, while the slope is the acceleration at any given point (on a different type of curve, ha!). But if you think you know enough about integral calculus to prove these statements wrong then, sorry, but you don’t have any credibility because you’re probably drunk, as two new studies (that’s right! TWO!) have found a correlation between intelligence and a thirst for alcohol. Researchers found more intelligent children to grow up to drink alcohol more frequently and in greater quantities than their less intelligent counterparts, which they say is at least partially due to being scarred by even mildly understanding the nothingness of space as a 9-year-old.
FRIDAY NOV. 25
It’s Black Friday. There are deals to be had and millions of people spraying each other with pepper spray demonstrating the holiday spirit.
And there’s more good news — this year’s sales broke the Black Friday record thanks to earlier-than-ever store openings and successful marketing pitches, according to ShopperTrack (the global leader in people counting and store performance analysis, FTW). Sales this year rose rose 6.6 percent to $11.4 billion, with shoppers looking for value and prepared to buy if given a good customer experience, said ShopperTrak founder Bill Martin, who mentioned several extremely crowded retail locations, specifically describing a Philadelphia Best Buy location as “poppin off” and a nearby J.C. Penny as “off the chains with savings.”
SATURDAY NOV. 26
There was once a time when outer-ring suburbs offered what seemed like a healthy, peaceful lifestyle — instant highway access and at least one Wendy’s restaurant per 1,000 homes (two stores drove healthy competition ;). Unfortunately, The New York Times today reported that the heyday of the fringe suburb could be coming to an end as the baby boomer generation tries to to downsize its housing during a time when millennials are increasingly populating walkable, urban areas (“Hey, sonny, wanna buy my ranch in Fairfield?”). The result is that many drivable fringe suburban homes are already worth less than their replacement values, meaning the homeowner has no incentive to maintain the cheaply built structure itself. The good news is that there is high demand for walkable neighborhoods in cities where baby boomers can no longer afford to live.
SUNDAY NOV. 27
It’s already been proven that sales taxes disproportionately affect the poor (do you really want to argue with someone who in this article has demonstrated at least a cursory understanding of mathematical analysis? That’s what we thought...) Well, buckle up your scary Occupy mask, as The Enquirer today reported that the 1996 property tax rollback included with the half-cent stadium sales tax is actually big savings for owners of the more expensive properties in the county. The maximum sales tax one pays per year is $192, while the owners of the highest-value homes receive rollback rebates of $1,175 or more, compared to $47 for the owner of a $100,000 home. Former commissioner David Pepper said the rollback creates a reverse-Robin Hood scheme, where middle-class homeowners are the angry king, all the money goes to the Merry Men and Robin Hood has to stay poor.
MONDAY NOV. 28
Anybody who understands young people knows that you don’t mess around with their Facebooks and Twitters — it’s the contemporary equivalent of chaperoning a date, except the bad stuff they do is publicly viewable in reverse-chronological order. The Enquirer today made the opposite mistake, deciding to force its legion of adult commenters to sign up for Facebook in order to express their mean-spirited and racist thoughtful views on its stories. The newspaper’s announcement that on Dec. 5 only those who sign in via Facebook accounts will be able to participate in the discussion was met with anger, with responses ranging from “I watched that movie The Social Network and thought the guy who owns Facebook was a punk” to “My kids made me try Facebook and I didn’t like getting tweets all the time.”
TUESDAY NOV. 29
Gov. John Kasich today unveiled the state’s newly designed license plate, a white rectangle with a red triangle at the top and seven blue letters on it. The new plate will replace the 2009 “Beautiful Ohio” plate, which Kasich says seems misleading to people who live near Dayton.
EMAIL MATH CORRECTIONS TO: firstname.lastname@example.org