As you may recall, preacher Robert Jeffress was on hand to introduce Rick Perry. He warned that Mormon “cult” members were not only despoiling Broadway but were actually running for president. “Non-Christians” like Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman had invaded the Republican primary like a bunch of damn Mexicans — and they didn’t even have comparable skill at operating a riding lawn mower.
If patriots didn’t take heed, Jeffress cautioned, America would soon be possessed by heretics.
We decided to get to the bottom of this menace, providing answers to your most alarmed and misguided questions:
Why do Mormons worship Satan?
They don’t, actually. They believe in God and Jesus. It’s just that those guys get busy, so they named Joseph Smith their VP of Operations here on Earth.
Smith was a magician from Palmyra, N.Y., in the 1820s. He was also the first American to possess superpowers, claiming he could find precious minerals and buried treasure by staring at rocks. Farmers paid him $3 a day to locate riches beneath their fields.
As fortune would have it, he began receiving visits from an angel, Moroni. Though often mistaken for the fake Italian chef in Olive Garden commercials, Moroni was actually a warrior-priest from this country’s earliest civilization.
So you’re saying Mormonism was founded by a schizophrenic?
No. Schizophrenia hadn’t been invented yet. And at the time, half the population of upstate New York was claiming to be prophets, since it paid better than having X-ray ground vision.
Moroni told Smith about some Golden Plates buried on a hill. They warned of religious corruption, pointing the way to a “New & Improved Christianity.” That’s when Smith discovered a second superpower — the ability to decipher ancient languages, which weren’t regarded for their penmanship.
He translated the plates into the Book of Mormon. It was like the Bible, only better. Critics were soon hailing it as a “tour de force of ecclesiastical drama.”
He had the audacity to rewrite God’s words?
Yes. Smith had inadvertently launched the “My God is Way Better Than Yours Period,” a belief still practiced today by great leaders like the Rev
Missionaries were sent out to convert followers. Word reached Ohio that he’d pioneered a fabulous new religion. So Smith teamed up with a preacher there and moved Mormon headquarters to a town outside of Cleveland.
What kind of prophet willingly moves to Cleveland?
Exactly. Though to be fair, this was the 1830s, when Cleveland was still celebrated by Chamber of Commerce types as the “Krakow of the Rust Belt.”
With his flock growing, Smith started a bank. But he was an inexperienced prophet, as he failed to arrange a golden parachute. When the bank went bust, he wasn’t justly rewarded for blowing everyone’s money, as bankers so rightfully are today.
In fact, the flock was pissed. So they kicked his ass all the way to Jackson County, Missouri.
Is that where he went perv?
Yes. Smith realized that a religion known for bank failure and an inability to find buried treasure lacked market potential. Fortunately, God intervened, introducing Smith to polygamy, which allowed men to take as many wives as they pleased.
The new "Unlimited Chicks for My Guys" campaign was a hit. The Mormon enclave blossomed.
But like Rev. Jeffress, the good Christians of Jackson County were outraged. Polygamy was not only heresy, but the Mormons were hogging all the chicks.
So the Christians naturally asked themselves, “What Would Jesus Do?” Jesus apparently told them to burn down Mormon homes and kick their asses to Illinois.
So you don’t want a Mormon to have your back in a bar fight?
No. But Smith and his followers did prosper when they reconvened in Nauvoo, Ill. At one point, it had an estimated 12,000 residents, nearly the size of Chicago.
Yet they still freaked out their neighbors. The Mormons had their own religious courts, which were akin to the Muslim’s Sharia law, only creepier because everyone was dressed like the cast of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
Plus they believed in magic underwear, which contained super-celestial powers that allowed them to become kings or queens in Heaven.
Sadly, this was a darker time in America, when people were less tolerant of underwear fetishists than they are today. Smith was arrested for being a degenerate. And when the Christians once again asked, “What Would Jesus Do?” Jesus mentioned that it might be good to storm the jail and kill Smith’s ass. So they did.
So how did that whole Occupy Utah thing come about?
We’re getting to that. Brigham Young and his henchmen decided to move to a place so shitty no one else would go there. That would be Utah. Mormons migrated en masse, hoping to let their freak flag fly without anyone setting them on fire.
Is that when the Mormons went all terrorist?
Yes. By 1857, they’d grown tired of the “Old Burn Down Our House & Drive us Out of Town Gag”. So they took the offensive, torching army forts and setting fires to keep Buchanan’s troops from reaching Utah.
They also indiscriminately robbed and murdered settlers. At one point they killed 120 unarmed men, women and children during the infamous Mountain Meadows Massacre. For reasons unknown, this is no longer taught in Sunday schools.
So when did they stop going perv?
In 1890. Still worried that the feds might attack, God told them to lose the polygamy thing. They decided instead to become the most tight-assed people in America. You couldn’t even get into church if you smoked cigs, pounded brewskies or used caffeine.
But wouldn’t our country suck if it was just like Utah?
Yes. Think of it as the white Saudi Arabia, only with better skiing.
So should we hate these guys or not?
Your call. Mormons may be lesser perverts than Catholics, and not nearly as mean as the Baptists. But if Romney declares martial law and forces you to get naked with a squadron of babushka ladies, don’t come whining to us.
As the Rev. Jeffress might counsel, the wise man always hates first and asks questions later — if only to stay on the right side of Jesus.
Pete Kotz is a writer for the Dallas Observer, where this article first appeared.