WEDNESDAY NOV. 16
Postal workers protested today at the Dalton Avenue post hub because they don’t want to not have jobs like everyone else. The United States Postal Service is likely to close about 250 facilities across the country in order to save $3 billion. Closing the Dalton facility would result in 1,200 jobs being moved or eliminated. The workers hope to keep their jobs and not have to protest so long that people start asking them if they’ll “go postal” if they get fired. Protesters would also like people to stop using email and start paying all their bills with stamp and envelope in order for the postal service to not be rendered economically untenable so quickly.
THURSDAY NOV. 17
The legal battle over “The Kentucky Bourbon Trail” has ended in a settlement. New Orleans-based Sazerac Co. and the Kentucky Distillers Association was feuding real bad because the association felt that Sazerac was violating the trademarks on the phrase “Kentucky Bourbon Trail” and logos by using similar terms and designs to promote two Kentucky distilleries which are not affiliated with the association. Sazerac and the association’s settlement is expected to last until the next company and association get together where free bourbon is available and somebody starts mixing their drinks too strong and tries to punch somebody in the face for looking at them crossways.
FRIDAY NOV. 18
Occupy Cincinnati today announced that it planned to bringing a prop oil derrick down to Piatt Park and march with it over the weekend. The group also divulged that “the march route will be based, in large measure, on the moveability of the derrick.” The “moveability of the derrick” is likely to be determined by figuring out how many protestors it takes to put some wheels on a prop oil derrick
SATURDAY NOV. 19
Most CityBeat readers go to their more successful in-laws’ or relatives’ houses for Thanksgiving. However, the few of you who are hosting would be well-suited to follow the helpful advice contained in today’s “Holiday housekeeping hints” article on cincinnati.com. People who have nice houses and lots of money pay the less fortunate to clean their houses. Everyone knows that. Those of you with places nice enough for people to be willing to spend the day at but who don’t have enough cash to hire a professional keep it spotless for you can learn how to “make your home look presentable without going for a deep clean.” Author Beth J. Harpaz will open your eyes to the importance of cleaning your toilet and making sure that if your guests’ coats are stored atop a bed that “the bed is made and the room is easy to find for folks who may not be familiar with your home.” Harpaz’s followup to this piece is rumored to touch on more advanced hosting tips such as “Pornography and Drugs: Hide Them Together!” and “Liquor, Firearms and In-Laws: Mix Carefully!”
SUNDAY NOV. 20
Who would watch that new reality show about jousting, girlfriend-less modern day knights? What in the [expletive] does a man have to do have a juggling, falling catch in the end zone not be ruled incomplete? These are just some of the questions which hurtled through the minds of Cincinnatians who watched TV today. The events of the modern world are enough to send people spiraling downward into a pit of drug and alcohol abuse. Don’t worry about it though, now that the region’s first luxury treatment facility, “The Ridge” rehab center, has opened in Batavia your deepest addictions can be cured for a minimum of $22,000 a month. Spokespeople for “The Ridge” declined to comment on how people with 20 Gs to blow on rehab that probably won’t work if they have another 20 Gs to blow when they get out a month later, but did inform the press that the on-site pool, sauna, walking trails and fitness center are “awesome and definitely worth checking out.”
MONDAY NOV. 21
Hamilton County commissioners are still trying to figure out how to most tactfully inform people that the property tax breaks they were promised when construction of two sports stadiums aren’t gonna happen. Commissioners Chris Monzel and Todd Portune want to offer the full tax break, but Commissioner Greg Hartmann says the county can’t afford to do so. Hartmann favors a “partial rollback,” and while Monzel and Portune disagree, they were said to be intrigued by interweaving Walmart sales terms like “rollback” into the political discourse because people like Walmart so it’s probably a good way to break bad news to people.
CONTACT ISAAC THORN: email@example.com