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Nov. 2-8: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · November 9th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe 11-9Let my kid in your school! - Photo by Keith Rutowski

WEDNESDAY NOV. 2

The Coalition Opposed to Additional Spending & Taxes (COAST) filed another lawsuit today, after people got mad that they have been using Twitter to spread misinformation about the streetcar (like comparing it to 9/11) and filed complaints with Ohio’s Election Commission. Currently, state law allows the Commission to levy fines against those who use “false or misleading” advertising. COAST feels that having consequences in place for lying about election issues is a restriction of its First Amendment rights. This is a valid concern. If you want to tell people that smoking pot seeds will make you sterile, you should be able to say so without fear of reprisal. COAST also worries that if it can’t share its backwards world views via Twitter that its followers might have to read more than 140 characters at a time, which could prove to be quite troublesome.

THURSDAY NOV. 3

Rep. Steve Chabot was lauded by the liberal elitist font-creating yuppies at The New York Times today for being one of only 15 U.S. House members not to miss a vote this year. Instead of banning cameras like he did at a town hall meeting where people who disagreed with him showed up, Chabot issued a press release to bring more attention to his “All Grown Up Attendance Award.” When asked for a statement regarding this honor being bestowed on his bro, House Speaker John Boehner said, “Drive for show, putt for dough.” After being informed that he was talking about golf and not the issue at hand, Boehner pretended not to hear and instead focused on getting a stroke back from the course on the next birdie-able Par 5.

FRIDAY NOV. 4

Kenton County is looking to sell its partially empty jail, which also contains the county’s administrative offices.

It hopes that Gateway Community College will purchase it, and that the search for a buyer isn’t a long and expensive one. County Judge-executive Steve Arlinghaus hopes to get the deal done by adding a provision that will allow the college to turn the site back into a jail a few years from now when students graduate, realize the degrees they’ve earned aren’t worth a fucking thing and resort to lives of crime that will undoubtedly lead them to rendezvous with the penal system.

SATURDAY NOV. 5

Christianity is a tangled web that can cause a lot of strife for followers who don’t know which parts of the faith are supposed to be followed literally and which are just slogans meant to ridicule others and be displayed on signs at sporting events. Cynthia Gfoerer attends church at Crossroads in Oakley and has gotten herself into hot water by guessing wrong in this theosophical test. Apparently “the Lord helps those who help themselves” doesn’t cover stealing cash and a check from the offering bag. Gfoerer faces a misdemeanor theft charge and a long road ahead of her as she tries to figure out if Jesus was made of crackers and grape juice or not.

SUNDAY NOV. 6

The Louisville Orchestra is bankrupt and has cancelled its season for at least the rest of the year. Union musicians and the orchestra were unable to reach an agreement before the Oct. 31 deadline, which has led to speculation that the orchestra might target University of Cincinnati’s College-Conservatory of Music students to take their places. CCM dean Peter Landgren informed faculty that students should not take auditions in Louisville, as this will not be a “positive opportunity for them and their future.” Landgren went on to say that those who cross the union line would “forever be referred to as hornblowers regardless of what instrument they play.”

MONDAY NOV. 7

Dozens of parents went all “Occupy” outside of Fairview-Clifton German Language School in Clifton today, as they prepared to brave the elements for more than a week in order to enroll their children in the highly touted “magnet school.” When a reporter asked a few parents in line if they thought something was wrong with an educational system in which some schools are so much better than others that they warrant camping out to get into, he was informed that if his “drug addict parents did things like this” he “wouldn’t be making $20,000 a year, living in an apartment and standing out in the cold like a dumbass” with them.

TUESDAY NOV. 8

No election season in Cincinnati would be complete without politicians referencing TV shows that have been off the air since 1992. County Commissioner Chris Monzel wouldn’t address the specifics of his plan to help Hamilton County make up the stadium budget shortfall without taking away a promised property tax credit, saying “I like to call it my MacGyver solution — duct tape and bubble gum. It might have to be that way for the next 15 years until the end of the Bengals lease with the county in 2026.” After mistakenly believing the reporter was out of earshot, he followed by saying, “By 2026 we’re going to need a Breaking Bad solution.”


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