WEDNESDAY OCT. 26
When a presidential candidate visits a swing state phone bank it’s normally to show unrelenting support for its causes, maybe whisper something in the leader’s ear about a young person’s appearance if it will get a laugh. Mitt Romney today visited a Terrace Park pro-Issue 2 and -Issue 3 call center only to say “good job everybody doing whatever it is you’re doing because I have no idea. And I have no jokes except for my haircut.” The media was not satisfied that Romney expressed only generic support for the state’s union-crushing law and attempt to undermine President Obama’s health-care law, though Romney later admitted that he passed his own health-insurance mandate in Massachusetts and that he hates unions more than party hosts that serve pasteurized caviar.
THURSDAY OCT. 27
There are plenty of relevant issues one can have with the Declaration of Independence, starting with the very first line about all men being created equal unless they’re black (at least the document was accurate in omitting any mention of women’s freedom). American and British lawyers today went a step further, debating whether or not the document that announced the United States as a sovereign nation was even legal. British lawyers argued that secession was illegal and suggested that the document was basically treason. American lawyers countered that under basic principles of “Natural Law” government can only be by the consent of the people and that subsequent movements such as the founding of the National Football League have been enforced by world opinion as right and just.
FRIDAY OCT. 28
It’s one thing to be walking around a hotel and have an employee point you toward the ice machine even though you didn’t ask (you were carrying the empty bucket shirtless at 1 a.m.; plenty of context clues there).
A chain of boutique hotels has taken hospitality to the next level by training its staff to read guests’ body language. Affinia Hotels taught everyone from housekeeping to management to be aware of such signs as guests making eye contact (might be open to conversation) or corporate types walking too fast while cursing into touchscreen phones (probably could use a therapeutic pillow or some yoga). Employees were also taught to mimic a guest’s volume and rhythm of speech, unless it starts making them mad in which case the guest gets to slap the employee in the face.
SATURDAY OCT. 29
No one has ever accused Citizens Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes (COAST) of being less than honorable and forthright. (Wait, no, that’s backwards. It happens all the time, sorry.) The group best known for arguing from the suburbs that the city should stop spending money trying to fix its problems today was accused by a pro-rail group of knowingly making false statements about streetcar funding. The statements, made via Twitter, were typically childish and typo-ridden, such as: “15% of Cincinnati’s Fire Dept is browned again out today. Don’t trade the safety of your loved ones’ (sic) for a smelly streetcar VOTE YES on 48.” The complaint is the first the Ohio Elections Commission has ever received regarding tweets, though it is believed that COAST lawyer Chris Finney was also the first person to ever be reprimanded for starting an anti-Broadway Commons chatroom on America Online.
SUNDAY OCT. 30
We at WWE! are often hard on our colleagues over at The Enquirer, mostly because we have personal problems and weren’t touched enough as babies. Today our journalism brethren made us proud by producing a thoughtful examination of the county’s Jobs and Family Services agency in response to the third toddler in the last 10 months dying despite intervention from social workers. The analysis, which was 2,500 words and took about two hours to read, found the agency to be overloaded and lacking the support and technology it needs. Commissioners have already offered support for the agency as long as it doesn’t mean raising taxes or any volunteering.
MONDAY OCT. 31
Speaking of our bros and sisters over at The Enquirer, the newspaper’s editorial board today took an interesting approach to its City Council endorsements by explaining why it didn’t endorse certain incumbent candidates. Those who were told “G’s up, y’all out” were Republicans Leslie Ghiz and Charlie Winburn and Democrat Cecil Thomas (The Enquirer didn’t offer an explanation for why it isn’t endorsing Republican Wayne Lippert because nobody knows who the [expletive] he is). The non-endorsement story described Ghiz as having a penchant for starting arguments that have been “personal, petty and nasty,” while Winburn’s “unpredictable behavior” was noted along with Thomas’ problems fully grasping budget and finance issues. Ghiz responded by posting a childish birdcage reference on Facebook and then deleting it five minutes later.
TUESDAY NOV. 1
Let’s say it’s Thanksgiving Day and you
spent the afternoon drinking, watching football and talking to grandma
about precious needlepoint projects. You’re tired from smoking weed with your cousin C.J.
the tryptophan in the turkey but are feeling a little anxious ...
because it’s only a couple more hours until you can go shopping at
Macy’s! The locally based retailer this year will open each of its 800
stores at midnight on Black Friday, offering shoppers a full 23 hours to
contribute to an economic deadweight loss instead of just buying
giftcards online. Look it up!