WEDNESDAY OCT. 19
Most people RSVP to all sorts of events on Facebook that they certainly are not going to attend (your band is playing at a smokey bar in Kentucky? Cool! See ya there!). But for every person who clicks the “maybe” option and then actually shows up, there are thousands of people who are probably going to follow through with an online pledge to leave large banks on or before Nov. 5. According to reports, 50,000 people have RSVP’d to “Bank Transfer Day,” a Facebook cause page created in response to the unethical practices of large banks and their jamming up of the impoverished and working class. The page includes information on how to find a credit union in the U.S. and an explanation of how not-for-profit credit unions are governed by their members instead of a bunch of old people who have actually eaten caviar before.
THURSDAY OCT. 20
It’s well known that Republicans are easily annoyed by scientists studying things that make their constituents mad — evolution, climate change, the many ways corn syrup is going to ruin us all, etc. That’s why today’s news that researchers at the University of Chicago have found a connection between poor neighborhoods and obesity has the “individual responsibility” folks clenching their butt cheeks together. A new study has found that poor people are at a higher risk of obesity largely due to a lack of access to healthy things such as grocery stores that sell fresh fruit and vegetables and safe places to exercise. Researchers found that when low-income mothers move to less disadvantaged areas they reduce their risk of health problems while also learning about how dangerous it is to go to the neighborhood where they used to live.
FRIDAY OCT. 21
There are reasons why some of us are members of the media and others aren’t — we know how badly liberals want to ruin America so we report only on the people who are trying to do it, and then we cash huge checks. The Enquirer today decided to break away from this centuries-old model in order to give its angriest and worst-spelling most important and reasonable readers a chance to give their opinions via their favorite form of communication: an online poll.
Today’s poll, “Is the media overcovering the Occupy protests?” was created in response to such thoughtful examinations of the role of media as “For the love of God, what is it with your love affair with these occupy idiots?” and “There are like what, 10 tents at Piatt Park? You give these degenerates the front page of the local section.” The latest results show 70 percent of respondents saying Occupy Cincinnati has been overcovered, with a margin of error of plus or minus 30 because every person who voted came to the site to read about the protests.
SATURDAY OCT. 22
Some people commonly contemplate things such as whether or not a tree that falls in a forest actually makes a sound if no one is around to hear it. If such a philosophical thought experiment were extended to Cincinnati politics it would read something like: “If Jeff Berding gets unendorsed by his party and then resigns from City Council because no one likes him, is he still a local politician?” Either way, John Kasich today was joined by Berding-level local politicians at his pro-SB 5 rally in Sharonville (sorry, forgot to mention Colerain Township Fiscal Officer Heather Harlow) where he argued that taxing people is a bad way to fix Ohio’s budgetary problems and handed out miniature American flags with pictures of Ronald Reagan riding a skateboard on them.
SUNDAY OCT. 23
Leave it to The Enquirer to publish a story analyzing local school district spending vs. academic success only to ignore the existence of private schools while drawing the conclusion that “a district that spends more doesn’t necessarily produce higher test scores and graduation rates.” The story, titled “Big-spending districts net mixed academic grades,” didn’t include the qualifier “public school” or reference the possibility that private schools spend even more per pupil than Indian Hill, Sycamore Township, Mariemont and Norwood, each of which spent $11,958 to $15,209 per student last year and earned excellent or better ratings. Editors later said they contacted private schools to see if any employed four guidance counselors, a psychologist, a college and career coordinator and a secretary-registrar like Indian Hill does but the only responses were about how many more football coaches the Catholic schools need.
MONDAY OCT. 24
It’s always fun to watch lame-duck politicians break from their parties and express real thoughts on issues rather than the stuff they think constituents want to hear so they can get reelected and then do what their campaign funders want. Sheriff Simon Leis today flexed some of his soon-to-be-retiring muscle, releasing a radio advertisement asking for a “no” vote on the anti-streetcar Issue 48, which he says “would drive away investment and make the city’s deficit worse.” Each GOP candidate for council opposes the streetcar and endorsed a “yes” vote on Issue 48, though most have never actually spoken to Leis because he doesn’t know their names.
TUESDAY OCT. 25
Westboro Baptist Church came to town today to protest at Oak Hills High School and Miami University over “what the queers are doing to our soil.” When asked to comment on how exactly homosexuals have ruined the soil around any large U.S. city with a big underground homosexual population, a Westboro representative said the queers are in it with the aliens building landing strips for gay martians and then got really frustrated trying to explain how burrow owls live in the ground. #deadmilkmen
EMAIL RIGHT-WING PIGEON SIGHTINGS TO: email@example.com