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Oct. 12-18: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · October 19th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
wwe 10-19Take cover!

WEDNESDAY OCT. 12

Even people who rarely go to bars should know from TV what commonly occurs inside them: people get wasted, talk really loud, do stupid things and then get mad at each other (this process is normally condensed on sitcoms to a single bottle smashed over the head, which actually also happens in real life). Such knowledge is why those of us who regularly witness these scenes were not surprised that it took only two weeks for Ohio to arrest its first legally armed bar patron for threatening to kill someone. Supporters of the new guns-in-bars law say it worked as intended and that once the gun-wielding public hears one of its brothers is in jail for five years the rest will learn to control themselves when someone plays Dave Matthews Band on the jukebox five times in a row. 

THURSDAY OCT. 13 

Let’s say there exists a really standup organization campaigning for a cause it truly believes will benefit society as a whole and not just a bunch of international corporations that want to crush the rights of workers. If such a group were to blatantly misrepresent a great grandmother’s words in order to use them against her, it would surely apologize and work tirelessly to figure out what happened. Well, such an organization does not exist, as pro-SB 5 group Building a Better Ohio today responded to 30 Ohio TV stations pulling its ethically questionable commercial by citing the legality of splicing up a person’s words to make it seem like she’s saying the opposite of what she means. BBO’s legal counsel said technically it was unclear whether the woman was happy that firefighters saved her granddaughter because she could have just been stuck babysitting and had nobody to talk to. 

FRIDAY OCT. 14 

It might not be true that opposites attract (ever try to convince a feminist that you care about women’s rights even though you like sports? It’s not easy), but a new study has found at least one shared trait that doesn’t necessarily lead to lifelong happiness: materialism.

In fact, the study found that two people who both care a lot about money have unhappier marriages than couples comprised of one spender and one saver or two people who don’t really care about possessions. The trend holds true across all levels of income, as researchers found that it didn’t matter whether a materialist wife carried a Coach purse or a knockoff called “Couch,” each hated very much any partner who really likes looking at bathroom fixtures in Home Depot.  

SATURDAY OCT. 15 

The world is a complicated place — that’s why it’s difficult for middle America to understand the anger people have over the unrelenting capitalism that everyday attempts to take away our humanity (it’s also hard to be upset with America when Jesus loves you so). That’s probably why USA Today profiled a presidential candidate whose “simple solutions” are gaining popularity among many people (mostly those who think Barack Obama stole their wallets every time they can’t find them). The story noted that Republican Herman Cain is a former Burger King executive whose 9-9-9 tax plan was at least partially inspired by how the fast-food chain started selling breakfast when nobody wanted to eat its nasty burgers anymore.  

SUNDAY OCT. 16 

No one has ever called The Cincinnati Enquirer a beacon of journalistic integrity. And even though such a phrase is perhaps impossible to live up to in today’s corporate media world, one would think it fair to ask that news-gathering organizations try to report first on what happens — maybe even a couple other of the 5 Ws — before editorializing. Such was not the case today when The Enquirer skipped ahead of reporting that the Ohio Supreme Court allowed a Democratic petition drive against Republican Congressional redistricting, instead describing in the headline the “chaos” that will ensue as a result. When asked if he was happy about the petition drive creating a “completely confused or disordered” 2012 election, Ohio Democratic Party chairman Chris Redfern pointed to the proposed Florida-shaped 1st Congressional district and said yes.

MONDAY OCT. 17 

It’s been 18 years since West Chester Township last voted against becoming its own city, and much has changed since then (fewer farms/more roads, mostly). Another thing that occurred since then was the construction of an electronic billboard on Ohio 747, which a local man recently purchased to garner support for West Chester’s latest push for citihood. Local activist Bill Zerkle says living in the city of West Chester will allow its residents to replace their police and fire levies with earnings taxes on outsiders and also allow the city’s teenagers to rep WC much harder against kids from neighboring suburbs. 

TUESDAY OCT. 18 

The owners of buildings adjacent to Piatt Park are angry and they’re not going to take it anymore. A group reportedly met with city officials yesterday led by Arn Bortz, Towne Properties partner/Councilman Chris Bortz’s super-rich uncle, to ask that the Occupy Cincinnati protesters be removed. Occupy organizers reportedly took exception to Bortz’s accusation of people defecating in the park and abusing people passing by, noting that the group has rules against drugs and alcohol, instituted regularly scheduled clean-up times and designated two people to keep an eye on cars parked outside the Cincinnati Club so somebody really important doesn’t get his Blackberry stolen and blame it on an anarchist. 


FINE, JUST EMAIL YOUR PRAISE TO: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 

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