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Oct. 5-11: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · October 12th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY OCT. 5

It’s obvious that the lawyers over at the Coalition Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes (COAST) pick and choose their legal battles — they hate trains but never say anything about how much it costs to build highways (and the fact that only smaller roads go out to their beautiful, secluded neighborhoods is no excuse). The city’s top lawyer today pointed out another COAST hypocrisy by noting that lawyer Chris Finney could be in line to receive big legal fees from his annoying lawsuits against the city, specifically the tens of thousands of dollars it might cost the city to recoup 13 cents from Laure Quinlivan for kind of using her work computer for her campaign. City Solicitor John Curp said he’s tired of Finney looking over his shoulder at the expense of taxpayers because his breath always smells like peanuts.

THURSDAY OCT. 6

Cincinnati’s pride for hosting George Clooney during the filming of The Ides of March was well documented — excited fans blogged about where celebrities were, the daily newspaper created photo galleries of actors wearing Xavier hats and single young women all over town Tweeted about trying to hook up with Ryan Gosling. The good vibes were harshed this week, however, when locals finally watched the movie only to find “Filmed on location in Michigan” pop on the screen at the end. WTF Clooney?!? Producer Grant Heslov today apologized for omitting Ohio, calling it an inadvertent mistake and noting that the entire staff enjoyed its time here, particularly Gosling who made many new female friends in Mount Adams during his stay. 

FRIDAY OCT. 7 

If you were to hear about a voter-approved industry that for the past decade has made “enormous amounts of money,” resulting mostly in the betterment of sick people’s lives and a modest increase in Cheetos consumption, how badly would you want the federal government to shut it down? (Cheetos sound really good, right?) Federal prosecutors in California today criticized the state’s medical marijuana industry for spiraling into a never-ending cycle of helping people and raising money, announcing that it would target certain members of the industry for “hijacking” the state’s 1996 Compassionate Use Act for profit.

Feds are concerned with out-of-state profiteers opening large-scale commercial dispensaries, but also admitted concern over the existence of an entire city named Weed. 

SATURDAY OCT. 8 

Early last week Enquirer reporters were having a difficult time understanding the intentions behind the Occupy Wall Street movement, even though its goals have been fairly clear and most journalists are part of the 99 percent it is attempting to defend (editor: “Everyone be quiet when the publisher comes in the room — she’s rich and doesn’t like this!”). The newspaper today explained the details of the local protest with at least a Wikipedia-level of understanding, describing it as “inspired by the Occupy Wall Street protests of corporate power and greed that began in New York City three weeks ago.” (Nice job! — now look up “proportional representation.”) The paper has continued covering the protests, in part because its anonymous commenters enjoy acting like the dudes in Mad Men before they learn why the modern world hates them. 

SUNDAY OCT. 9  

There’s no way to tell how Wall Street executives are reacting to the massive protests over their influence on the American political system (can’t get inside their giant buildings to ask — no keycards). But if the opinion of local financial planner/Covington City Commissioner/guy-who-recently-got-charged-with-a-DUI Steven L. Frank is any indication, they be real mad. Frank today posted the following message on his personal Facebook page: “Turn out the lights on the Occupiers, I feel like going Taliban on them!!!” Frank was reportedly contacted by local media for clarification after reporters found it difficult to imagine that he meant he’d like to see all the occupiers and 3,000 innocent bystanders murdered, even if he was still really mad at society after being featured on dwihitparade.com in July.

MONDAY OCT. 10 

It’s safe to say that everyone in Cincinnati trusts the Hamilton County Commissioners — it’s not like they ever agreed to a stadium deal that was dumber than borrowing out-of-state tuition for a Liberal Arts degree ([expletive] me and [expletive] all of you). The Commissioners today continued their string of unblemished logic, sending some extra 2012 money over to the public safety building and leaving Jobs and Family Services with the largest percentage cut of any department. The additional funds, available due to an increase in sales tax revenues, will help the county better patrol and prosecute people who don’t have jobs or family resources and then do crazy things. 

TUESDAY OCT. 11

Not that anyone really cares what Hank Williams Jr. thinks about anything other than whiskey and having everything stay the same forever, but the Country singer this week continued his “Hank vs. the World” tour, releasing a song in response to getting canned from Monday Night Football for comparing Obama to Hitler. “Keep the Change” was reportedly written and recorded in a single day and details Hank’s decision to quit MNF and take all his rowdy friends back to 1960s Tennessee where they used to actually have fun without a bunch of black people around ruining it.


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