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Sept. 28-Oct. 4: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · October 5th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY SEPT. 28

Here’s reason No. 1,826 that Republicans will continue trying to ruin President Obama’s jobs plan (what was reason No. 1,825? He killed a fly that one time?): A survey of economists says the American Jobs Act “would push down the jobless rate in 2012,” which would “possibly boost Obama’s reelection bid with the potential job growth.” The survey of 34 economists showed median estimates of a 0.6 percent increase in GDP and the addition or retention of 275,000 jobs next year, numbers which analysts say will allow Obama to be accurate in answering “Booya!” to all questions about the economy during the 2012 presidential debates. Conservatives have largely dismissed the economic projections, arguing that Obama can build as many roads as he wants but nobody’s going to drive on them and spend money at all the Wendy’s restaurants if corporate taxes get raised.  

THURSDAY SEPT. 29 

If you’re the type of person who has ever eaten magic mushrooms, then it’s likely that you are reading this article in a place you didn’t plan to be. And before you get all “don’t judge me — I love living in the Oregon desert and making my own pants,” relax — the most recent study of stoners’ brains actually found that the drug inside the mushrooms, Psilocybin, can “make people more open in their feelings and aesthetic sensibilities, conferring on them a lasting personality change.” Johns Hopkins researchers found that people who tripped on the ’shrooms showed increases in the personality trait “openness,” which is associated with creativity, artistic appreciation and curiosity, at the same rate they found former users to be living in their parents’ basements, watching Saturday Night Live and subsisting largely on high-fructose corn syrup.

FRIDAY SEPT. 30 

Most people at one point or another have found themselves in a bar or restaurant whose music is so terrible you wish you could reach into your pocket, feel the cold, smooth steel of a gun and then shoot the jukebox with every bullet inside of it.

This is now theoretically possible (although likely illegal everywhere but Wyoming — DO NOT PLAY QUEEN IN WYOMING) with today’s new conceal and carry law taking effect, allowing those with permits to carry guns in establishments that serve alcohol. The main limitation in the law is that those packing heat are not allowed to drink alcohol while carrying, though Democrats have reportedly asked that a provision be added reminding them that gun toters are not actually allowed to shoot anybody either.

SATURDAY OCT. 1

There are certain things that regular readers of The Cincinnati Enquirer have come to expect: hilarious stories of poor people getting arrested, controversial/misleading headlines, boob-a-licious photo slideshows on its website, etc. The publication today offered a break from the norm — a thoughtful story on contemporary African-American leaders that noted how less than 50 years ago black leaders were busy working for the not-so-inalienable rights afforded by the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965. As per usual, commenters on cincinnati.com overwhelmed the post-story discussion with blame for affirmative action, black fathers and various demands for a similar story about today’s white leaders, specifically noting that the story The Enquirer did in August on executive compensation doesn’t count because it was only photos and not a full article. 

SUNDAY OCT. 2

We at WWE! take a lot of grief over our perceived negativity, but is it our fault that the bags inside cereal boxes are only half full? No, and it’s not [expletive] right, either. Well, our little rants about America’s impending neo-feudalistic corporate state the many things that kind of upset us are nothing compared to the well-crafted grouchiness of 60 Minutes’ Andy Rooney, who tonight offered his final commentary. Rooney capped his 33-year run on the show by expressing thankfulness for his life (he’s 92 for chrissake), gratitude for people listening to him all these years (specifically when he shows his little trinkets) and asked that if viewers see him in a restaurant that they leave him alone (already had to talk to a waiter).

MONDAY OCT. 3

Many reasonable people would be offended by the idea of a privately owned “hunting camp” where humans pay money to kill captive animals (and not just wussy liberals — real hunters think it’s really weak, too). Texas Gov. Rick Perry today was forced to explain his association with something even worse than a hunting camp: a hunting camp with really racist stuff painted on a rock by the entrance. Perry says that he and his dad painted over the racist stuff back in the 1980s when they first saw it, but several locals told a reporter that the racist rock still existed in its publicly racist state well into the Perry family’s lease of the ranch and Perry’s political career. Political analysts have debated the issue’s level of damage to the Perry campaign, most saying it’s pretty bad but some pointing out that there are a lot of racist conservatives who might like it. 

TUESDAY OCT. 4 

After months of speculation about when Apple would announce the launch of the iPhone 5, the company today finally scheduled the press conference that would change all of our lives forever ... and announced that there would be no iPhone 5. Tech geeks across the land responded with rage to the offer of an improved iPhone 4S, promising to switch to the Samsung Galaxy 2 and then weeping because they know it’s not true.


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