Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It doesn't matter why, the fowl in question was not in a crosswalk and that constitutes jaywalking, a misdemeanor. Pursuant to this offense, officers approached the suspect and asked for identification, causing her to flee; a foot pursuit ensued. The chicken, a white female, was eventually chased into a dead-end alley, at which point she turned on the officers in a threatening manner. Officers then "tased" the bird, but she did not survive. The coroner pronounced her "dead, but tender and juicy" at the scene.
Looking back at the record number of murders in Cincinnati last year, do you know what the most outrageous killing was? The one Homicide detectives made on overtime.
Overall crime is down in Cincinnati. Then again, so's the population. Maybe if everybody in town would move away it'd be safe enough that people might want to live here.
Officer Smith: I saw in the paper this morning that Cincinnati's most heinous criminal of all time died today.
Officer Jones: Really. Who was he?
Officer Smith: Pete Rose's barber.
A Hyde Park cocaine addict meets an Over-the-Rhine cocaine addict in jail. The Over-the-Rhine cokehead says to the Hyde Park cokehead, "How long you in for?" and the Hyde Park cokehead says, "Just 'til I get your statement. I'm here as your court-appointed attorney."
The CPD'mented Definition of "excessive force" is: a nonexistent occurrence no police officers take part in as often as is necessary.
A police officer, a defense attorney and a liberal judge are in a rowboat, fishing, on the Ohio River. Pretty soon, the cop hooks a fish and reels him in. Before he can get the fish into the boat, the lawyer leans over, takes it off the hook and hands it to the judge, who releases it back into the river.
"Entrapment," they tell the cop.
The policeman casts his line once more. Before long, he's caught another fish and reels him in. Again, the defense lawyer leans over, takes it off the hook and hands it to the judge, who releases it back into the river.
"Not Mirandized," they tell the cop.
The cop, discouraged but determined, casts again. A few minutes later, he has another bite. This time, however, just before he lifts the fish from the river, he pulls his pistol and shoots it dead in the water.
"Resisting arrest," he tells his bleeding heart boat mates.
Officer Lewis: Honey, I just booked us two weeks in the Bahamas.
Mrs. Lewis: But you don't have any vacation time left.
Officer Lewis: Vacation, no. But this is suspension with pay.
CONTACT BOB WOODIWISS: bwoodiwiss(at)citybeat.com. His column appears here the last issue of each month. His book, Keys to Uncomfortable Living, a collection of humorous and satirical essays, is in bookstores now.