WEDNESDAY SEPT. 14
It’s not every day that Catholics get to drink alcohol in public while celebrating the traditions of their hometown (aside from high school football games, charity events, festival season and at church they barely ever get to do it). Unfortunately for them, one of Cincinnati’s most noted public celebrations next year is scheduled on one of the days when Catholics abstain from such revelry and actually apologize for acting a fool all year, as Reds Opening Day is currently sharing the calendar with Good Friday. A spokesman for the Archdiocese of Greater Cincinnati said the church typically spends Good Friday going to mass and fasting and that it has sent word to the Vatican that half the parish is going to end up in Hell for eating hot dogs that day if a compromise can’t me made.
THURSDAY SEPT. 15
George W. Bush used to say, “There can only be one presidential guy from the state of Texas, and it’s [expletive] me.” (Go ahead — look it up. Just kidding, but you probably believed it at first.) Current Texas governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry wishes it were so easy to be the only decider from his state, as Texas Congressman Ron Paul’s candidacy has become a real thorn in Perry’s side, according to an AP report that literally said that. Paul has frequently criticized Perry for things like raising taxes and supporting Al Gore in 1988, but rather than ignore the little Libertarian Perry has been responding, which has made him look bad because when Perry gets angry he looks like he’s going to cry and people in Iowa don’t like that.
FRIDAY SEPT. 16
There’s only so much abuse an individual can withstand before he or she is willing to take action, provided that the resources necessary for such action exist (getaway car, money, pointy end of a compass, etc.). A group of women currently utilizing the resources at the Anna Louise Inn battered women’s shelter are reportedly tired of being bullied by Western & Southern insurance company and have filed a lawsuit against it.
SATURDAY SEPT. 17
If you were to drive north on I-75 toward Monroe during the past year, it’s likely that you noticed something missing along the way: highway expansion projects (check), multiple TGI Fridays locations (yup), anatomically correct horse statue (still there), giant Jesus statue signaling a touchdown in football (dude, where’d it go?!?). That’s because Touchdown Jesus was smote by god last year (maybe he disagreed with the touchdown call and couldn’t find his challenge flag?), only to rise again this week as workers put up the steel framework for a new 50-foot sculpture of the Lord and Savior. The new statue was designed by local sculptor Tom Tsuchiya, who also designed the Reds’ new Johnny Bench statue and reportedly offered to have Jesus squaring to bunt but the church didn’t want it to look like he was pooping.
SUNDAY SEPT. 18
Dressing oneself is difficult — a constant struggle between comfort, style you’re used to and whatever weird things young people made cool during the past year (cardigans are back? Really?). That’s why The Enquirer today dedicated a significant amount space to Bill Cunningham’s recent makeover for his new TV show, which includes hair coloring, spray tan and expensive suits. Cunningham, who previously wore red, white and blue shirts and cutoffs in order to look like a poorly dressed real American, said the station spent $30,000 on suits and that every Tuesday some dude spray tans him but it’s not gay because it helps him look more like a doll who’s come to life to murder people.
MONDAY SEPT. 19
It was Bone Thugs-N-Harmony’s E. 1999 Eternal album in which the rappers candidly discussed the rampant poverty and violence that engulfed certain parts Cleveland during the early 1990s. Cleveland — or “C-town,” as Bone referred to it — has finally come up with a way to rectify such a problematic socioeconomic situation: by offering gift cards to people for their guns. This year’s Cleveland-area gun buyback program collected 706 guns, the most the program secured during the past four years. When asked for his thoughts on the program’s potential for ending the cycle of poverty that plagues inner cities across America, Bizzy Bone credited the program and said his Rap group would never have had to write songs like “Land Of Tha Heartless,” “1st Of Tha Month” and “Mo’ Murda” if they had $400 to spend at Target instead.
TUESDAY SEPT. 20
Apple won’t tell us anything about the iPhone 5, but there are enough dorks eager for information that there exists “leaked documents, secret sources and speculation” suggesting that the new model could be launched in October. PLEASE, APPLE, GIVE THEM THEIR PHONES SO THEY SHUT UP!
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