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Aug. 31-Sept. 6: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · September 7th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY AUG. 31

Does a teacher make more money than you? A goddam teacher?!? If so (and if you’re the type of person who believes it’s either easy or fun to spend all day trying to teach things to dumb kids), then Republican State Treasurer Josh Mandel has you covered — just head on over to ohiotreasurer.gov, look up the salary of your kids’ teachers, get super pissed about it and vote accordingly. Mandel says taxpayers work hard for their money and that the tiny portion that goes to pay for the education of neighborhood children is wasteful because they’re going to do bad stuff whether they get a good education or not. 

THURSDAY SEPT. 1

Those of us who most certainly did not smoke any illegal drugs last Saturday night (or just a little bit Sunday afternoon) don’t have to worry much about recent Republican attempts to drug test anyone receiving government aid (we don’t get aid or do illegal drugs). That didn’t stop a state senator from taking exception to such racism ideology, today announcing her intent to introduce legislation requiring all members of the Ohio General Assembly to be randomly drug tested once a year. State Sen. Nina Turner (D-Cleveland) says it’s more important to make sure the politicians who have a direct impact on the state are not on drugs rather than the poor people who even while on weed contribute to the economy via the purchasing of soft drinks and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. 

FRIDAY SEPT. 2

What’s the first word that pops into your head when you hear the words “Cincinnati Enquirer”? We at WWE! want to cut through all the rhetoric surrounding the newspaper’s staff reductions, biased coverage and general suckiness by letting the most emotional readers of this article represent the general consensus. Go to citybeat.com (which is looking crisp after a new redesign, BTW), click on the Opinion page, find the link that reads “YOU ARE REALLY IMPORTANT, SMART AND RELEVANT :)” and let us know what you think.

We’ll have a couple of unpaid interns build a diorama based on the response. 

SATURDAY SEPT. 3

Remember when the state of Ohio banned the burning of cancerous things indoors at bars and restaurants? Those of us who were totally against such blatant abuse of government power (if you don’t like cigarette smoke then you have the right to shut the fuck up and go home — this is America) today were forced to reconsider the relevancy of all the arguments used to rile us up when we voted against the smoking ban in 2006, as state health reports suggest that the ban had a positive impact on the health of residents without negatively affecting bars and restaurants. The study — which was done by the Ohio Department of Health, so take it with a grain of salt if you’re not afraid of that killing you, too — revealed a sharp decline in heart attacks after the implementation of the law and an increase in the number of people who skip dessert at TGI Friday’s because the aftertaste is half as bad if they eat the food with no cigarettes. 

SUNDAY SEPT. 4

It’s Labor Day weekend — do you know where your respected working-class friends are? If they’re members of an Ohio union it’s likely that they spent today organizing in opposition to SB5, the referendum limiting the bargaining rights of public employees that was created by a guy who worked for Lehman Brothers until it went bankrupt (oops!). State Republicans spent the holiday weekend gearing up to crush those whose efforts earned the day of recognition, though most were able to pre-release their arguments with various combinations of the words “accountability, “future” and glorious descriptions of out-of-work patriots too proud to accept government assistance or minimum-wage jobs and just die instead. 

MONDAY SEPT. 5

So, you’re a proud American spending your weekend drinking and eating stuff, not arguing over whether bargaining rights are ruining America or if they already did when the Baby Boomers built all those cars, suburban homes and highways (dude, get over it). Either way, today was a day to put such partisan bickering aside and ... watch fireworks! Unfortunately for those who tuned into Fox 19’s coverage of the production, WEBN played last year’s soundtrack for the first 12 minutes of the show, pretty much ruining the thoughtful combination of giant explosions and Classic Rock music. WEBN-FM Program Director Scott Reinhart was unavailable for comment, though it was reported that as of 10 p.m. his personal FaceBook status included something about having to kick Wildman Walker’s ass in the morning. 

TUESDAY SEPT. 6

Journalism is a strange trade, one with extremely noble values that nevertheless is easily mocked (see photo above) and also easily mimicked (see The Cincinnati Enquirer’s court coverage). The Enquirer’s online coverage of Vice President Joe Biden’s speech at Coney Island was one of the many moments where industry experts are forced to wonder whether Enquirer editors are a) hilariously mean or b) really bad at their jobs. Monday’s early reports on the event ran alongside an image of Biden with both hands raised, baseball cap in one hand and mouth half-open, looking real dumb. The humor had apparently worn off by Tuesday, however, when the report was replaced by a Sept. 3 story on downtown safety which had proven to be more relevant by the number of anonymous racist comments left by readers.


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