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August 17-23: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · August 24th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY AUG. 17

Most people know what it’s like to be tempted by a made-for-TV offer, especially if it includes a clock ticking down toward the moment you will no longer be able to receive the deal (at zero the commercial ends and the magic towel company goes out of business). Ohio Gov. John Kasich would have been better off trying to have one of his housecleaners do the whole governor’s mansion with a single Super Absorbent ChamoisTM than the stunt he pulled today, offering to negotiate over SB5 well after opponents had secured the necessary signatures to put a repeal effort on the November ballot. Union leaders declined the offer, which reportedly involved Kasich and Republican leaders waiting in a Statehouse conference room listening to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born to Run” and laughing their asses off.

THURSDAY AUG. 18

Everybody understands that historical facts can be difficult to remember — boring topics, long-lost cultures, people who thought dinosaurs were real, etc. That’s why it wasn’t a big deal when Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann incorrectly described a couple of Revolutionary War battles and confused Elvis Presley’s birthday with his death (what’s the difference — he’s in Heaven now with all the black people whose music he stole). Bachmann today continued her “2011 Inaccuracy Tour,” suggesting that Americans are currently concerned with the rise of the Soviet Union. Bachmann was apparently attempting to explain Americans’ concern with issues other than jobs and the economy, though conservative commentators believe that out of all the antagonists in the Rocky series Clubber Lang was more representative of who America is afraid of than Ivan Drago.

FRIDAY AUG. 19

Those of us who regularly engage in “paltry noisy quarrels” were disappointed today to learn that we’ll need to find a new way to describe such confrontations, as the Oxford English Dictionary has permanently removed the word “brabble,” citing its decreasing use (OED obviously hasn’t visited Colerain lately — people brabbling all over the place).

In its place are this year’s 400-plus additions, including “woot’” “cyberbullying” and “retweet.” The dictionary earlier this year added OMG, LOL and FYI and is expected to seriously consider defining “hashtag” as a verb that means “to look like a dick.”

SATURDAY AUG. 20

We at WWE! became journalists for one reason — to get paid to watch sports to tell insightful stories that demonstrate the human spirit. And even though such a noble calling has never come to bear for those of us assigned to the weekly-news-in-Cincinnati beat, it’s good to know that our colleagues over at The Enquirer are busy investigating an equally important topic: themselves. Today’s article on the vast journalistic innovation taking place within The Enquirer’s shrinking newsroom included an explanation of its reporters’ use of Twitter and Facebook, the hosting of online chats and its executives’ willingness to speak to their own reporter on the record. The future is bright for Gannett Co. Inc., according to itself, and may or may not include augmented reality photo galleries of babes at local concerts.

SUNDAY AUG. 21

If you know anyone who’s ever been to the Ohio Statehouse, it’s likely he or she was either real mad about Gov. John Kasich trying to crush the unions or was a contributing member of a really good high school sports team. Either way, your acquaintance would not have been welcome in the newest proposed statehouse attraction: a fully stocked bar. State officials are considering a proposal by a local caterer to include in the recently renovated Capitol Cafe “a wooden counter that would serve beer, wine and liquor.” The idea has been met with opposition from conservative lawmakers and at least a handful of Democrats who are afraid of their Republican counterparts getting wasted and kicking their asses.

MONDAY AUG. 22

Many things cost too much money — think about how much you spend a year on food, gasoline or paying Duke Energy $25 a month to deliver gas to your apartment in a six-unit building. Ohio Republicans today put their foot down over the future costs of unemployment benefits the state might have offered its many out-of-work-but-still-patriotic citizens lazy, money-grubbing poor people by refusing to take a legislative measure that would have secured $176 million in federal stimulus money. The funding is part of the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act, a program designed to help state economies that previously refused federal funds for high-speed rail and are now facing high unemployment.

TUESDAY AUG. 23

Scientists spend a lot of time determining things that seem pretty obvious — someone out there is looking into the longterm effects of consuming corn syrup when all we need to know is that it’s delicious. Such a situation was evident today when Reuters reported that a trio of scientists has determined two possible outcomes of an alien encounter: one good (friendliness), one bad (attack). Possible scenarios include thoughtful discussion of math and science, help solving poverty and/or complete eradication of the human race. Aliens might also consider destroying life on Earth if it is detected that civilization is expanding too rapidly, though one researcher suggested the contextualization of a single Sarah Palin quote would likely prove that we all deserve to die for letting her get on TV so much.


RETWEET: @_dannycross_


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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