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August 10-16: Worst Week Ever!

By Isaac Thorn · August 17th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY AUG. 10

The Lexington Herald Leader today reported that the state of Kentucky will give a 75-percent property tax break to a sweet biblical theme park that will have a full-sized replica of Noah's Ark. The state has already given $43 million in incentives to the Answers in Genesis folks who brought you The Creation Museum, which you and your friends always planned on getting stoned and visiting but never did. The new creation-based theme park, named "Ark Encounter," is slated to be finished in 2014. Americans United for the Separation of Church and State and other groups who think the girthy tax break is a really stupid idea, have voiced their displeasure, but Governor Steve Beshear placated them by noting that "if Kentucky is in a fiscal pinch further down the road we can always trick that cute couple from American Pickers into buying the Ark."

THURSDAY AUG. 11

The Home Builders Association of Greater Cincinnati today announced that the Willows Bend subdivision in Miami Township has been selected to next year host the region's largest luxury home show, which will be the event's 50th anniversary. Given the current economic climate, organizers have had to come up with new approaches to woo prospective home buyers. New wrinkles in the Association's approach are said to include menus from the chain restaurants that inhabit the strip malls near the home sites and doing away with the "First Time Home Buyer Tip Sheet" they used to dispense since those who purchase the McMansions are likely to be victims of foreclosure before they get around to reading them anyway.

FRIDAY AUG. 12

The Cincinnati Bengals went up to the Motor City today and proceeded to stumble around the field in the least graceful athletic performance since Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Wahlberg's characters tried to hoop it up on a bunch of pills in The Basketball Diaries.

After watching the 34-3 drubbing at the hands of the Detroit Lions, developers of the Horseshoe Casino Cincinnati popped dozens of bottles of expensive champagne to celebrate the fact that when the casino opens next year sports betting won't be offered. An executive for the casino who spoke on the condition of anonymity opined that, "I just don't know how long we could keep this place open if people were allowed to bet against the Bengals 20 times a year."

SATURDAY AUG. 13

Since whatever a "trending Twitter topic" is apparently passes as news during these last dismal days of our existence, an online petition calling for well-known Muppets Bert and Ernie to marry has been getting lots of attention — and 5,800 signatures. Since the liberal hellhole better known as New York recently passed legislation which makes it legal for homosexuals to celebrate and recognize their love the same way heterosexuals do, Pandora's Box has been opened. Despite Bert and Ernie's on-screen chemistry, and the fact that straight guys don't have the fashion sense to dress as sharply as the two characters, opposition still remains to such an act. When contacted about the petition, the Reverends Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell released a tersely worded statement arguing that "this is exactly what we were trying to tell y'all about that Bravo!-watching Teletubby a few years ago."

SUNDAY AUG. 14

Even The Enquirer knows that there aren't any jobs in the Midwest these days, but in case any of their readership has an interview on Skype they are now a step up on other candidates if they read all the tips offered in a great article in today's Business section. Profound and insightful interview tips such as "men should wear a suit and tie” and "turn all phones off and ensure your dog won't start barking" surely will come in handy for those currently adrift in the job market. Wearing suits from Smitty's during these job-seeking Skype sessions is apparently a no-no, since "experts suggest that … bold colors and patterns can distract from the interview." Jill Haney, the article's author and owner of Cincinnati-based JH Image Consulting, also advised male job applicants to wear pants along with their suits and ties during the interview in case the interviewer asks them to stand up for some reason.

MONDAY AUG. 15

After a week of sweating outside in cornfields and in front of barns in Iowa, the Republican presidential race has been narrowed down to three candidates: Rick Perry (who wears cowboy boots everyday and carries a pistol while jogging), Mitt Romney (who believes that "corporations are people") and John Wayne Gacy fan Michele Bachmann appear to be the last three standing in the GOP's presidential race. The trio of candidates plans to spend the next year figuring out how to interweave jabs at each other with their nonstop criticism of President Barack Obama. Learning how to call people other than the president incompetent is uncharted territory for Perry, Romney and Bachmann. Republican pundits are hopeful that since one of them is a woman, one a Mormon and the other a Texan things should come together soon.

TUESDAY AUG. 16

People in America expecting tortilla makers and/or the $640,000 recently found concealed within a bunch of them are shit out of luck after Customs officials at the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport today detected the loot, accounting for largest cash seizure in the airport's history. Butler County Sheriff Richard Jones was quick to point out that the shipment was from Mexico and that while he had seen "Speedy Gonzalez hide cheese in the walls before, this really takes the cake."


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