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August 3-9: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · August 10th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY AUG. 3

Sometimes Cincinnati City Council members debate an issue, take a vote and do what’s best for everyone in the community instead of people in their family who own development companies the people whose votes they need to keep their $60,000-a-year part-time jobs. But other times a conservative majority might vote to block a local health clinic from applying for federal funds, even though it would save the city $200,000, better serve poor people and reduce uninsured emergency room visits. Council today reversed its recent decision to do just that, after Councilman Charlie Winburn changed his vote from “No, screw them” to “OK, fine, but don’t ask for the $200K back after it runs out.” Council Republicans warned that being a social safety net isn’t the city’s role, although Chris Bortz noted that police are good.

THURSDAY AUG. 4

The logic of John Kasich is often difficult to follow — he speaks of fiscal responsibility, but every time you point out how much money he’s spending he says something weird like, “It takes money to make money,” or “God hates a coward.” It turns out Kasich is even more difficult to literally find, as he’s been flying around in a state plane so much he’s on pace to quadruple the amount of money his predecessor Ted Strickland spent doing so. Such appreciation for the state’s resources apparently wasn’t originally part of Kasich’s plan for selling ohio’s roads, bridges and prisons to his friends creating jobs in Ohio, as his press secretary during the governor’s race ripped on Strickland for using the plane, saying, “There needs to be a closer review of whether the plane’s cost can even still be justified.” When asked to comment on such blatant hypocrisy, Kasich for some reason started yelling, “Look at me now!” and popping the front of his suit up like a basketball jersey.

FRIDAY AUG. 5

Those of us who frequently receive phone calls from debt collectors know what it’s like to have one’s credit rating downgraded (and what it’s like to have several different phone numbers saved as “DO NOT ANSWER”).

And even though we try our best to settle our debts (Dr. Kremchek, I said I’ma pay you!), there’s always the inevitable minor bill that goes overlooked and gets reported. Credit rating agency Standard & Poor’s today downgraded the U.S. rating for the first time ever, noting that the recent debt reduction plan by Congress was not so good. A source familiar with the discussions said the White House believes S&P’s analysis contained flaws and that President Obama is looking into the payment history on the several 3-D TVs Joe Biden recently added to his office, expecting to find Best Buy lines of credit that probably aren’t helping the rating.

SATURDAY AUG. 6

“Greg Hartmann: the man, the myth, the legend.” Such a phrase will be emblazoned across polo shirts and golf bags across Cincinnati’s East Side if the Republican’s latest idea — to again increase the county’s sales tax to pay for the stadium deficit — comes to fruition. Hartmann today noted that such a plan shouldn’t be attempted until the economy picks up, and said any sales tax increase should come with a reduction of property taxes. In a separate but related move, Hartmann proposed lowering property taxes $5 per $100,000 home by reducing levies that pay for medical care for the poor and the county’s neglected children. Said Hartmann: “I’m never waiting for a seat at Jeff Ruby’s again. Ever.”

SUNDAY AUG. 7

We at WWE! are very much into sweatpants — they’re comfortable, easily altered into shorts and are available with thousands of sports teams and cute sayings on the butt. But for every person who understands that we’re serious when we yell, “Niiice! Sweatpaaants!” at him or her, there are many who think we’re joking and then call us assholes. Such misunderstandings are apparently also prevalent in American workplaces, as a new study has found that workplace incivility — “low-intensity behaviors that violate respectful workplace norms, appearing vague as to intent to harm” — is on the rise. Researchers attribute the trend to white-collar work gradually becoming blue-collar, with higher demands, longer hours and less pay. Psychologist and researcher Paul Fairlie says it’s just a matter of time before workers start karate kicking things that don’t work and then blaming it on the last person who used sarcasm around them.

MONDAY AUG. 8

Whew! Good thing those streetcar foes “rallied just in time” or we wouldn’t get to spend the next three months debating whether light rail helps development and highways are for suckers or if it’s the other way around. The Enquirer today excitedly reported the news of streetcar opponents barely securing enough signatures to put their misleading charter amendment on the ballot in November, explaining how they gained 743 valid signatures from last Wednesday to Friday (signature collection guy: “Excuse me, do you fucking hate liberals? Wanna sign my petition?”). Local NAACP president Christopher Smitherman said his group was motivated by the looming deadline and the possibility that with additional funding I-75 could one day be 10-lanes wide and really fun to drive fast on.

TUESDAY AUG. 9

Protesters showed up at John Boehner’s West Chester office today only to find a note on the door that read, “Sorry, slackers — out on the golf course. :)” Staffers refused to answer any questions about local job creation except to point out that Boehner at that moment was paying a caddie and several different people to bring him drinks.


@_dannycross_

 
 
 
 

 

 
08.10.2011 at 02:27 Reply
Nice work sir! It feels like you are writing to me personally.

 

08.10.2011 at 11:16 Reply
You goddam liberal.

 

 
 
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