WEDNESDAY JULY 27
As if things could possibly get worse for those already purchasing their sundries at Dollar General, Colorado-based Pilgrim’s Pride today voluntarily recalled 7,000 pounds of chicken nuggets from the retail chain due to fears that some of the poor people chicken was tainted by listeriosis. Senior Vice President Kendra Waldbusser stated that “food safety is our top priority, and we take food recalls very seriously.” She went on to discuss just how expansive the organic selection at the Whole Foods near her house is and then wondered if people who shop at Dollar General have ever eaten vegetables that didn’t come from a can.
THURSDAY JULY 28
Bengals fans who once owned Chad Johnson jerseys, then later replaced them with Chad Ocho Cinco jerseys, were probably pissed off today when they realized that the Bengals traded that man to the New England Patriots, where he is expected to help steer the Death Star alongside coach Bill Belichick. The Patriots only had to give up two late-round picks to get him. When asked by members of the local press if he regretted not trading the star receiver to the Washington Redskins back in 2008 when the Bengals were offered what likely would have been two first-round picks in return, Bengals owner Mike Brown replied that he was too busy counting his money and couldn’t really focus on personnel issues at the time.
FRIDAY JULY 29
Cincinnati.com delivered a hard-hitting expose on its website today titled “Dogs beat the heat.” The eight-photograph slideshow depicted local pooches staying cool in the hotter-than-two-rats-fuckin’-in-a-wool-sock weather the Tristate area has been plagued by recently. Members of the Queen City’s premiere newspaper’s staff planned to search hard for something worth photographing but changed course after spending most of the morning in the office looking at amusing pictures of cats on the Internet doing things that only humans can do in real life.
Next week, cincinnati.com will continue to redefine how awesome photo journalism can be when it publishes part two of the summertime dog pictures, tentatively titled “Humpin at the dog park rofl.”
SATURDAY JULY 30
Ohio has 614 school districts in 88 counties. Don’t be afraid, this isn’t a math question. Gov. John Kasich wants to pursue “sweeping consolidations” of the state’s districts for the first time since the 1960s. Some Ohio schools are so poorly run that kids attending them have already gone years without arts, physical education and music classes. Part of Gov. Kasich’s planned overhaul of the system is said to include looking into whether or not University of Phoenix offers a group discount if the state were to fire all the whiny teachers and just use webcams in the classrooms to educate kids from now on.
SUNDAY JULY 31
“Debt ceiling agreement met, Raise the Roof ;).” That’s the kind of awesome headline we at WWE! would come up with if we were qualified to do things other than write this stupid article every week. Anyhoot, President Obama today reached a deal with congressional leaders to avoid the country’s first-ever financial default. In order to get the deal done, Obama had to apologize for “even thinking” about raising taxes on the richest people who live in America. Unnamed sources say the deal took more time to reach because Vice President Joe Biden watched Fight Club one Saturday night on TNT and wouldn’t “shut his goddamned mouth” about how our best chance to get out of this financial pickle is to follow Tyler Durden’s plan and destroy all the buildings that store credit card and other debt records.
MONDAY AUG. 1
Two Romanian men were arrested today on charges of reprogramming Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards to dispense cash at ATMs. Both suspects were in the country on journalism visas and used the hacked cards to swipe $17,703 from a Chase Bank in Queens, N.Y. The suspects’ haul from the job earned them a slew of charges and two spots on the “100 Top Paid Journalists in America 2011” list. While the general public has been amazed that these two guys were able to outsmart the computers and turn a gift card into an ATM card, members of the local police precinct were said to be interested in learning how to turn their ATM cards into Dunkin’ Donuts gift cards.
TUESDAY AUG. 2
The Feds today recovered 7.5 tons of uncut, “I can’t feel my face” quality cocaine from a sunken drug sub off the coast of Honduras. Destined for Miami, the cocaine likely would have been distributed worldwide from there. Boston-based Coast Guard cutter Seneca stopped the boat soon after a Coast Guard C-130 plane flew overhead and spotted it. Those aboard the Snooter Sub tried to sink the sub to destroy the tons and tons of blow they are now charged with conspiring to bring into the United States. Cartel leaders down south are rumored to be interested in bringing Lindsay Lohan, Whitney Houston and the 1986 New York Mets aboard on future drug runs, since they know how to get rid of tons of coke really, really quickly when the time comes to do so.
GLAZED, CHOCOLATE COVERED OR THE ONES WITH THE STUFF IN THE MIDDLE: firstname.lastname@example.org