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July 6-12: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · July 13th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY JULY 6

Every construction manager understands that sometimes there’s just no way around taking a break from the job — between bad weather, lost materials or John Kasich, something is bound to slow down production. Highway workers outside of Columbus today found out the hard way that just about anything can send you home early — hardhat and lunchmeat sandwich in hand — as an endangered bat has delayed the construction of a $750,000 road project until next year. Delaware County Chief Deputy Engineer Rob Riley says the trees they need to smash in order to build a new traffic circle are currently being used by the endangered “Indiana bat” for breeding. Riley expects the site to be ready for construction next summer unless “something unforeseen were to happen to those goddam bats...”

THURSDAY JULY 7

It seems like just about anything can be debated when it comes to whether or not something is good for you: Whether it’s running, walking or sitting, someone out there is fully prepared to tell you that you’re going to die if you don’t stop doing it. Proving that such advocacy knows few bounds, the AP today reported on a new study whose goal was to figure out if having health insurance actually makes people healthier. The study, which was performed by researchers whose employers provide health insurance just in case, found that insurance indeed makes people healthier and that even people with Medicaid are “a lot better off” than people who hate Barack Obama so much that they choose to self-medicate their children rather than participate in socialist policies even if they work.

FRIDAY JULY 8

Have you ever seen a little kid get caught stealing candy, only to be dragged back into the grocery store and forced to admit guilt, apologize and then receive a half-assed lecture from a person making minimum wage who actually doesn’t care? Funny, right? That’s kind of what is happening to Ohio State University, only instead of admitting guilt and willingly offering up the peppermint sticks, the school lied about NCAA violations by the football team and considered making a break for it.

After realizing that it is totally screwed (and that many of its athletes would rather have praying hands tatoos than their championship rings), the school has decided to impose punishments on itself, including vacating its wins during the 2010 season even though it’s over and putting itself on probation for two years. The school stopped short of banning the team from postseason play because getting beaten down by SEC schools in bowl games helps show how honorable the university is.

SATURDAY JULY 9

Those of us who invested several years of study and a lot of money that we probably will never pay back understand the importance of education (almost as much as we understand scholarships, job markets and finance in general). Luckily for us — and anyone else who feels confident in his or her ability to earn a high school teaching certificate (wait, is it difficult?) — something called the Electronic Classroom of Tomorrow (ECOT) is looking for 75 teachers for the 2011-12 school year and is offering a starting salary of $30,250 (Oh snap! See ya later CityBeat!). ECOT says it decided to hire due to the growing interest in online schools and rejects the notion that its Internet teaching jobs are likely taking jobs away from real teachers who would do a good job and not work at the kitchen table in their underwear.

SUNDAY JULY 10

It’s extremely common for someone who really messed something up to respond along the lines of, “I’m very sorry. It will never happen again.” And as often as such a promise is made (and broken), just as common is the corresponding comeback, “That’s right, because you’ll never get another [expletive] chance again!” Officials of the city of Sparta, Ky., today promised NASCAR that they would for sure address the highway congestion issues that caused traffic backups at the inaugural race at Kentucky Speedway. NASCAR has in turn told Sparta officials that it appreciates their willingness to try harder not to suck and that they can expect another NASCAR race around the time Dale Earnhardt rises from the grave and performs The Nutcracker with the Sparta community theater.

MONDAY JULY 11

Knock, knock. Who’s there? A conservative. A conservative who? A conservative who hates poor people and hopes they all get sick and die. Those of us who find this joke to be offensive (and waaay lacking in subtlety) were forced to consider its sociological truths when reading today’s Enquirer story about Cincinnati City Council conservatives denying city health officials the opportunity to accept federal funding for a health-care clinic in Avondale. Councilpersons Chris Bortz and Leslie Ghiz say it’s a bad time to expand the clinic, as the city might have to reduce its involvement with clinics because leaders such as themselves recently voted to lower property taxes for rich people are faced with a growing budget deficit. Health Commissioner Dr. Noble Maseru noted that the funding would allow the clinic to no longer need operating funds from the city, which would save $200,000 per year, to which Ghiz told him to “get a real job.”

TUESDAY JULY 12

Major League Baseball’s National League likely got whooped by the American League today in the sport’s annual All-Star Game, meaning the AL winner will have home-field advantage in the World Series and probably win that, too. EDITOR'S NOTE: Sometimes when you print what's going to happen before it actually does, you end up being wrong. NL 5, AL 1. Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!


CONTACT DANNY CROSS: pizza@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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