WEDNESDAY JUNE 8
Ohio State University today announced that John Boehner would speak at its commencement ceremony on Sunday, prompting the more outgoing of the student body to respond in a typical manner after a university invites a boring old white guy to campus:
“When can I see Dave Matthews?”
“Facebook protest!” The resultant Facebook event, titled “OSU Alternative Commencement: Boehner’s Not Selling OUR Future!,” included a photo of Boehner wiping away a tear under the words, “Somewhere in America a multimillionaire is [sniff]... paying taxes.” OSU president E. Gordon Gee said he wasn’t worried about the protesters and that the school’s football coach paid mass taxes before he was fired for cheating.
THURSDAY JUNE 9
Any time a public official tries to ban cameras or recording devices from public appearances it makes members of the media go like this >:-(. When the official in question has spent considerable time criticizing President Obama’s lack of transparency, it makes the more liberal members of the media go like this >:O. That’s just what happened today after Steve Chabot banned cameras from a town hall meeting in Green Township for “security purposes.” Chabot then advised residents to fight a new plan to add public housing units to the neighborhood, though his speech was reportedly cut short when he saw a guy playing “Angry Birds” on a cell phone and thought he was recording a video and laughing.
FRIDAY JUNE 10
It’s difficult to consider a worse result to the emailing of an inappropriate photo than having the recipient release the image to the public and ruin your career — even being called out for finding the image on Google is overcome-able with the right initial response (“wrong file..
SATURDAY JUNE 11
Most people who go to journalism school believe that monitoring corporate influence over public debate is a staple of the profession (like being unbiased or not spellchecking blogs). The same can’t be said for editors down at The Enquirer, which today broke out the weakest of all reporting techniques — the Q&A — in order to explain the technicalities driving a giant company’s lawsuit against a little shelter for women and homeless families. The Enquirer’s report described in considerable detail the zoning issues that Western & Southern says should stop the Anna Louise Inn from expanding, and a single sentence about how the 102-year-old shelter has refused multiple offers by W&S to purchase the property for redevelopment. The Enquirer is expected to cover the Friday hearing via live chat with a business reporter who drives a Lexus.
SUNDAY JUNE 12
Everyone knows that the best way to get away with a lie is to offer very little detailed information — you think teenagers who sneak out of movies to do a ton of bad stuff are coming home with full reviews? (More like: “Yeah, dad. Fun time. Good movie. Brad Pitt. Goodnight...”) The same type of thing happened today when USA Today’s Brian Mansfield came back from Bonnaroo with the following description of what took place there: “Rocking’ Bonnaroo kept the good times rolling.” (Snuck down to Miami for a little NBA Finals action, eh Brian?”) Mansfield’s account of the festival included descriptions of Eminem fans shouting lyrics “at the top of their lungs” and Widespread Panic closing the festival with “lots of people sitting around watching.”
MONDAY JUNE 13
Republicans on City Council today decided that saving the owner of a $100,000 home $10 a year is worth adding $8 million to the city’s $25.8 million deficit. The decision to keep the city’s property tax steady reverses a policy that for the past decade kept the rate at whatever raised $28.9 million, despite the fact that inflation made the city’s expenditures go up every year it happened. The newly defined Republican tax rate policy, explained by Councilman Charlie Winburn while nibbling a block of cheese, was described as follows: “As property values go up, the tax rate goes down in order to raise an amount of money that each year is less than what services cost the year prior. Should property values go down, the tax rate will stay the same, at which time the city will need to stop wasting money and taxing people so much.”
TUESDAY JUNE 14
John Kasich today took a break from his pink drivers license-fixing agenda to do something that actually might be appreciated by a majority of Ohioans (or at least the 40 percent who still approve of him): issuing an official proclamation praising the Dallas Mavericks basketball team solely to insult former Ohioan LeBron James. The use of state resources for such pettiness has drawn support from Cleveland residents still angry about James’ departure from their basketball team, although the state’s Tea Party supporters were reportedly so mad about the state wasting money on an anti-capitalist message that they broke into a Columbus sporting goods store and threw out all the basketball jerseys.
CONTACT LEBRON JAMES: firstname.lastname@example.org