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May 25-31: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · June 1st, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY MAY 25

They say you can take the boy out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the boy. And even though such cliches are best used for overlooking mistakes made by people who act like stereotypes (“I’m from Georgia and I’ll kick yer ass!”), today’s news of Nascar driver Kyle Bush being cited for going 128 mph in a 45-mph zone actually made a lot of sense. Bush was test driving a new 2012 Lexus near his home in Charlotte when he “got carried away” and decided to hit triple digits to see if driving a yellow foreign car could be cool. Bush later apologized for his lack of judgement and said he only started speeding because he thought he saw Dale Earnhardt Jr. up ahead and then got mad when he realized it was just a Budweiser delivery truck.

THURSDAY MAY 26

It must be difficult for public school districts these days, with all the Republicans cutting their funding and the smarter children realizing that the final test of the year isn’t going to bring down their overall grade from a B to less than a C (“Fuck y’all finals, I’m goin swimmin.”). A newspaper called The Newark Advocate today reported that a newly proposed bill would allow school districts to solve at least one of these problems by giving them the right to sell advertisements on the sides of their buses. A national interest group is fighting the proposal, however, claiming the additional revenue isn’t worth exploiting the captive students with advertisements, though the bill’s sponsor said the state’s few schools that still have buses would really like to keep them even if it means painting them like Doritos bags.

FRIDAY MAY 27

We’ve all been in a work environment that for one reason or another is less than productive — maybe a coworker watches funny videos too loud or you share space with a women’s magazine whose employees never shut the hell up about shoes specialty publications that make great products.

Either way, one thing that could help boost productivity in such a workplace is the existence of dogs, according to the AP, which presumably ran out of things to report on today. A new survey found that allowing pets in the workplace results in lower rates of employee absenteeism and more willingness to work extra hours, although people in entry-level positions have been found to be less enthusiastic about the animals because they generally have to pick up all the poo.

SATURDAY MAY 28

If you love Cincinnati, like really love it — with all your heart, more than a friend, willing to kill/die for it — then you’re probably the type of person who loves your local history (William Howard Taft, Ezzard Charles, Pete Rose, Nick Lachey, FTW). If so, The Enquirer for weeks has had you covered with its series titled “Our History,” an illustrious recounting of the Queen City’s glory days back when it was a big city whose residents and businesses did noteworthy things. Today’s edition was a feature story on the city’s inclines, which during the late-19th century allowed the city’s “ordinary masses” a means for getting up the hills where the rich people lived and entertained themselves. The city’s five operating inclines gradually closed, however, due to increasing operating costs, safety concerns and the invention of steps.

SUNDAY MAY 29

There are several ways to segue into a racist statement, the most common of which are “I’m not racist but...” and “I have black friends...” (both ironically are much more offensive than opening with “Wanna hear a racist joke?”). Local racist/lawyer/WLW-AM personality Eric Deters today argued that the existence of his many black friends and clients proves that he’s not racist even though he posted a racist video on the Internet and then quickly took it down because it was so racist (in Deters’ defense the production value was pretty bad as well). During the video Deters described how every black guy on his flag football team likes white women and said all you need to conquer an African nation is “white women and pot.” Deters today called the video embarrassing and said he told his video guy not to even post it because he was almost finished with a better one about what women who wear skirts want him to do to them.

MONDAY MAY 30

Ohio State University football coach Jim Tressel today resigned amid investigations into rule violations by his players, only to have the school and its fans respond with a heartfelt :’(. Tressel, who is best known for wearing sweater vests, beating Michigan and pretending to be the dad in Family Ties, said his departure is what’s best for the university in light of all the stupid rules that made a liar out of him when he broke them and lied about it for nine months. University President E. Gordon Gee said the school will miss Tressel but that the next coach is going to kick even more ass and get caught cheating way less.

TUESDAY MAY 31

We at WWE! have gone on the record as believing the opinions of law enforcement officials when it comes to certain issues (if cops don’t like guns in bars, fine; but if they try to tell us our pants are too tight then they're out of their jurisdiction). Unfortunately a certain Republican state representative thinks he knows better, proposing that Ohio drop its front license plate requirement even though law enforcement officials say they’re often seen by crime witnesses and caught on security cameras, leading to arrests. The anti-front-plate faction has countered that car enthusiasts don’t like how they look and that the goddam government is too big.


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