WEDNESDAY MAY 11
Do you know someone who insists on carrying a concealed weapon in public? Probably the type of person willing to jump to action at the first sign of injustice, using his or her weapon only for good and never accidentally shooting anyone or raging? Either way, the Ohio House today approved legislation that would allow gun owners to carry loaded, concealed weapons into bars and restaurants despite most state law enforcement groups and the Ohio Restaurant Association saying it’s pretty much a bad idea. The state Senate last month approved a similar bill, and Gov. John Kasich says he’s looking forward to signing whichever one gets to him first and then wearing his bulletproof vest to the local TGI Friday’s where people get in fights a lot.
THURSDAY MAY 12
It’s two weeks before Memorial Day — you’re gassing up the SUV for the normal work week and feeling extremely angry about how much the extra 50 cents per gallon is costing over the course of 16.5 gallons (something like $20). What are you going to do? Change your summer travel plans accordingly? Probably not, according to AAA of Cincinnati, which says the number of AAA TripTicks sold this season is similar to last year despite the higher gas prices. AAA Spokeswoman Elaine Zeinner says travelers typically cut back on food, lodging or the length of vacations rather than traveling only halfway to their destination and having a vacation there.
FRIDAY MAY 13
Young people realize that it can sometimes be difficult for old people to understand our lifestyles — the fact that we can resell their used clothes for more than their new ones cost is probably quite confusing for them. But even the most patient local YPs
who are too cowardly to enter the Portland job market who don’t mind old people like the Tea Party meddling in their lives were given reason to start packing their bags today, as The Enquirer reported the group’s latest target: government planning departments.
The story described the Tea Party’s hope for a voter repeal of the Northern Kentucky Area Planning Commission, which has spent recent days discussing with business leaders and residents the need to embrace things young people like, such as walkable neighborhoods, mass transit and not living near people from Mason. The Tea Party has argued that planning commissions are wasteful bureaucracies, basically taxes (which they hate) and that the maps they make don’t even look like real life.
SATURDAY MAY 14
Anyone familiar with the regular programming on local radio station 700 WLW expects the station to sometimes offend people who aren’t white and/or men (that’s part of what makes it funny for the white dudes who like it). That’s why it wasn’t surprising to learn today that the station has again crossed the line, adding “people who have painful face diseases” to its long list of offended parties. The station this weekend mocked St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, who missed the series against the Reds due to the face disease shingles, by running a contest to win free shingles from Ray St. Clair Roofing. (LaRussa’s face is all fucked up. Ha.”) The Reds have since said the contest was in bad taste and that it would have preferred the station to make fun of Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter for being a dick.
SUNDAY MAY 15
The subject of homosexuality in men’s team sports has long been taboo, despite the regular occurrences of questionably masculine tendencies across most major sports — from butt slapping in baseball to the basketball chest bump and all the dudes kissing each other after soccer goals in Europe. Despite such obvious comfort with same-sex celebrations of athletic dominance (uh...), there has yet to be a male player to declare his homosexuality while playing. In an effort to breach the topic, Phoenix Suns president Rick Welts today revealed that he is gay, becoming the first man in a prominent position in men’s sports to do so. NBA Commissioner David Stern said he spoke to Welts about the message he wanted to convey and offered his full support so long as it didn’t have anything to do with the shorts Larry Bird wore in the 1980s.
MONDAY MAY 16
The NASA space shuttle Endeavor blasted off into space this morning, with shuttle commander Mark Kelly later describing the flight as “wild vibration, noise, and 7,000,000 lbs. of thrust on your back.” Such a description is considered common for a launch, though the reason it was described by The Arizona Republic in non-AP style is because the message was actually sent via text message to Earth. Kelly’s space text is believed to have been the first ever, though researchers are still trying to figure out what Buzz Aldrin meant when he described a rough landing on Apollo 11 by writing *hits head on ceiling.*
TUESDAY MAY 17
We at WWE! are pretty sure that if there’s a heaven that we’ll be going up there — we’ve already apologized many times for all that stuff that we did. So it was disappointing but no big deal for us to learn today that noted physicist Stephen Hawking continues to believe that there is no God and that his brain is a computer that will stop working when its components fail. The Guardian today confirmed that Hawking still believes there’s no afterlife, though he reportedly also said that if the Rapture were to occur this weekend that he would prefer it to happen before Sunday because he has a really boring family party to go to.
*FEELS IGNORED*: firstname.lastname@example.org