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May 4-10: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · May 11th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY MAY 4

The city of Cincinnati has a lot of things to worry about these days, with all the budget deficits, streetcar debates and potholes each deserving as much attention as will benefit City Council members during an election year as possible. That’s why it was relieving to learn today that Mayor Mark Mallory has decided to temporarily give up his $500-per-month car allowance, which he uses to pay for a black Lincoln Town Car, in response to concerns raised by the Coalition Opposed to Additional Spending and Taxes over whether or not it constitutes additional compensation not allowed by the city charter. Mallory says he’s taking the issue to court because COAST has never brought up the matter when past mayors used the car allowance, noting that it is unfair of the group to single him out especially if it’s true that 700 WLW started the whole issue by emailing COAST a Photoshopped picture of the Town Car raised up on 22s.

THURSDAY MAY 5

We at WWE! don’t really follow much celebrity news — the occasional drunken meltdown is interesting, but other than that we’re fine watching sports or TV shows about the effects of unrelenting capitalism on post-industrial America (both are compelling depending on how much LeBron James is involved). That didn’t stop us from enjoying today’s TMZ report describing the rumors surrounding Katie Couric’s departure from CBS, written in the tone of a 13-year-old who dislikes both parties. Amid the description of the network blaming Katie and she blaming it was a quote by a source describing the situation as, “They were kissing her ass, but now that it looks like Katie is leaving, they’re trying to kick her ass to protect their own asses.” A followup report also suggested that if the network creates any more CSI spinoffs someone is going to get his or her ass fired.

FRIDAY MAY 6

Even those of us who went to public school are smart enough to realize something’s up when a history book makes a statement like, “the automobile contributed notably to increased environmental air quality in America” (and not just because the car we drove at the time constantly smelled like it was on fire).

Same goes for the general perception of America’s Founding Fathers, a group of grown men who studied together, wore wigs and tights and are generally assumed to have been heterosexual. In his new book, One Nation Under Sex, Larry Flynt chronicles the sexual escapades of some of America’s most historical figures, suggesting that there might have been instances of homosexuality among those previously thought to have only participated in sex with their wives, prostitutes and the occasional slave. The book has been received well, though critics have alleged that the chapter on Abraham Lincoln’s log cabin sex parties was overwritten.

SATURDAY MAY 7

There are only a handful of reasons for comic book fans to wake up early on a Saturday morning, the more common of which involve the rerunning of a rare cartoon and/or someone’s mom making so much noise walking around the house that they can’t sleep through it (*punches ceiling* “Shut up mom! I’m trying to sleep!”). Comic fans across the land today dusted off their alarm clocks to participate in one of the rarer reasons for such individuals to get out of bed: Free Comic Book Day. The initiative is an attempt to introduce new people to the world of comics by giving away 2 million books and hoping no one figures out that you can flip to the last picture at any point to see how it ends.

SUNDAY MAY 8

Most people who have followed Cincinnati’s ongoing budgetary debates realize there are far too many interested parties with way too much influence over the process for anything to get done efficiently (except for de-funding the swimming pools and waiting for a rich guy to pay for them to reopen — that’s easy). The Enquirer today injected into the public debate the thoughts of a group of people even less constructive than those directly involved: Enquirer online readers. The story offered the results of a May 1 online poll which allowed readers to try to make up the city’s $17 million deficit by choosing “yes” or “no” to a series of questions the newspaper itself calls “simplified,” “unscientific” and “kind of fucking dumb.” The exercise was praised by councilman Charlie Winburn, who said he’s glad to know what the people think but that he can’t make any changes until God comes down to him in a dream and approves them.

MONDAY MAY 9

There are pretty obvious reasons why people enjoy going into a Starbucks coffee shop: good product, friendly staff, interior space that feels like you’d actually want to spend an hour or two there provided that week’s soundtrack didn’t include anything by Jack Johnson. After recently touring the newest McDonald’s store concepts in Tampa, Fla., USA Today has compared the fast-food giant’s new in-store experience to that of Starbucks, noting that McD’s has toned down the red and yellow, added wooden tables and faux-leather chairs and stopped sticking scary ass clowns in every corner. The company believes the $1 billion renovation will still interest children because the nice furniture will feel like a rich relative’s house and make them think they’re going to eat a good meal.

TUESDAY MAY 10

John Boehner today said the government needs to consider trillions of dollars worth of cuts before he will agree to raise the debt limit but no one could tell if he was serious because he was crying and smiling at the same time.


>:-O dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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