WEDNESDAY APRIL 20
There probably aren’t many types of businesses worse to live next to than a garbage dump — maybe some kind of apartment building filled with dudes who play in Jam bands? (Even that would be funny if they were wearing the right types of hats.) The latest news out of Colerain Township — home to the state’s busiest dump and also many a recreational cover band — is that the Rumpke landfill has been exempted from zoning restrictions on account of the Ohio Supreme Court ruling that in addition to being a private company, it is also a public utility. The resultant plan to expand from 509 acres to 859 acres has reportedly upset a collection of local residents who would prefer the mountain of garbage not to get way bigger, though the only thing literally standing in its way is a residential road that’s already all messed up from garbage trucks driving on it.
THURSDAY APRIL 21
If you listened to Mayor Mallory’s State of the City speech on Thursday night, it’s likely that you were
extremely bored and don’t have many friends impressed with his optimism for the city despite today’s challenging economic times. If you stuck around afterward to hear the official reabuttal by Amy Murray and Wayne Lippert, it’s also likely you said something like, “Who the fuck are these people?” It turns out that Murray and Lippert are current Republican members of City Council who, according to The Enquirer, responded to the speech by offering their profound thoughts on the problems facing the city, such as, “True change must come from the top,” and, “We are chasing a streetcar we can’t afford.” Lippert went on to describe how funny it would be to push Mallory off one of the streetcars as long as it wasn’t going too fast at the time.
FRIDAY APRIL 22
There’s no way to predict the future based on even our most vivid dreams: not enough real information; way too many alligators.
That’s why those of us who sometimes dream of a day when we can enjoy a pleasant night out in Kentucky (OK, not really) without coming home smelling like a guy who cleans chimneys for a living (ha) were interested today to hear that the Centers for Disease Control has predicted that by 2020 there will be smoking bans in every state. Internet commenters reacted to the prediction by swearing to smoke enough cigarettes at Newport on the Levee to kill them long before such a heinous abuse of their rights can occur.
SATURDAY APRIL 23
Consider your typical roller-coaster enthusiast — probably around around 14 years old, interested in just about any excuse to not be around his or her parents. Even such a reasonable young person who greatly enjoys being flipped around by a giant machine would have a difficult time arguing that Kings Island’s Son of Beast ride should be operated this season, considering the fact that during recent years it has been hindered by such issues as “accidents, closings, repairs, five lawsuits, settlements and one trial.” The Enquirer today detailed the uncertain future facing the world’s tallest, fastest and only looping wooden coaster, noting that the ride has been replaced on the park’s map of attractions by a sad cartoon monster with his pockets inside out.
SUNDAY APRIL 24
Sometimes solving problems is a lot more complicated than the average person realizes — you might think entering “0” for “a” in a quadratic equation makes things simpler, but you’re really just making it into a linear equation and acting like an asshole (good luck computing trajectory in projectile motion with that). Gov. John Kasich is currently performing a similarly dickish computation, placing a bunch of zeros on the side of an equation where public schools get funded while multiplying stuff on the side of school-choice vouchers. Some state representatives would like to triple the current size of the school-choice program, which provides students who live near low-performing public schools $4,000-$5,000 scholarships to use at private schools where tuition money goes farther due to the
teachers’ higher salaries and better resources immeasurable impacts of the free market.
MONDAY APRIL 25
It’s common among men who are afraid of homosexuality to ignore its existence, convincing themselves that every Ricky Martin music video is just another example of a very attractive, well-groomed man who loves dancing and also his wife. A collection of Tennessee lawmakers today took initial steps toward assuring the state’s parents that school teachers will not undermine their plans for keeping their kids hetero, passing a bill that bans elementary and middle school teachers from discussing homosexuality in school. The legislation, known as “don’t say gay,” is being touted as “neutral” by its Republican backers, who say it allows parents to determine when to discuss homosexuality and how best to curtail any early interest in gay stuff like mixed martial arts.
TUESDAY APRIL 26
John Boehner today visited Moeller High School for an assembly to honor the man considered to be the third-most successful alumnus in school history — ahead of Barry Larkin but trailing Ken Griffey, Jr. despite his many injuries. Boehner reportedly shed a tear when the group of 900 students stood, linked arms and sang the school song with the words changed to describe the pummeling of American workers and a Medicaid-free future.
DANNY CROSS, high school graduate: firstname.lastname@example.org