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April 13-19: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · April 20th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY APRIL 13

Successful people understand that sometimes even the smartest individuals need to defer to the expertise of others: President Obama doesn’t ask a bunch of questions about how space shuttles work; just tells the astronauts to blast off and have a good time floating around. That’s why it was pretty annoying today to listen to Gov. John Kasich — a 58-year-old Republican who pretty much epitomizes Suck — describe how cool he thinks Ohio needs to be in order to retain its college graduates, most of whom believe the Cincinnati streetcar would have been cool if Kasich hadn’t denied its funding. Kasich cited Austin, Tex., and Raleigh, N.C., as cool places where young people enjoy living due to the abundance of walkable neighborhoods and efficient mass transit friendly business climate and good tech jobs.

THURSDAY APRIL 14

If you are a competitive athlete you know how difficult it can be to resist using an anti-gay slur when a referee or official makes a mistake (anyone who played high school baseball understands why certain bad calls justify detailed descriptions of how the home plate umpire likes hanging out with 10 dudes in a sauna). That’s why it was surprising that Kobe Bryant today actually apologized for calling a referee a “fucking faggot” during the L.A. Lakers’ Wednesday night game after the ref called him for a foul and then added a technical foul after Bryant’s reaction was overly masculine. Bryant today apologized to the gay community via a statement that read, “I didn’t mean for anyone who looks to me as a role model to take what I said as a message of hate or a license to degrade. I am sorry. Nohomo.”

FRIDAY APRIL 15

It’s not uncommon for even the most responsible parent to sometimes exaggerate in order to teach a child a lesson: see “if the wind changes your face will stay like that” or “that stove is hot even though it’s not red you total little idiot” for perfectly reasonable examples.

Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.) today utilized a similar strategy, except instead of trying to prevent disasters real (burned hand) or perceived (frozen face), his blatant exaggeration was used to justify the cutting of funding for Planned Parenthood because abortions are “90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” When contacted about the inaccuracy, a Kyl spokesman said the remark was not intended to be a factual statement and that Kyl that same day told an old lady that Medicaid was a result of trickle-down economics and unicorns.

SATURDAY APRIL 16

There are perfectly good reasons for any 92-year-old to feel lucky: close friends, caring family, still being alive, etc. The Enquirer today described several more reasons why local 92-year-old billionaire Carl Lindner believes himself to be lucky, citing the $1.7 billion his family is worth, his decades of business success and how his charitable giving has made people like him even though he’s a crotchety old conservative. The profile, titled “Carl Lindner: The Motherfuckin’ Man,” failed to include any details about Lindner’s financing of terrorist organizations in Colombia or his threat to sue The Enquirer for reporting on them, but did take a break from its lavish praise to describe how Lindner refused to carry condoms at his UDF stores just so he and his buddies could watch teenage boys leave the store and try to convince their girlfriends to do other stuff instead.

SUNDAY APRIL 17

Anyone who was raised Catholic knows that it’s pretty easy to weird-out members of your extended family — you’d be surprised how many people start wondering about you after a couple appearances at family functions without a female date (“I’m not gay — my friends and I just love the theatre...”). An entertainment website today reported that Pop star Lady Gaga has taken the normal awkwardness everyone feels around Catholics to the next level by writing a new song about how she’s in love with Judas. Gaga’s portrayal of Mary Magdalene in the song’s video and her professing of love for the apostle who betrayed Jesus has outraged religious figures, most of which fully expect her to turn into salt next time she performs the song.

MONDAY APRIL 18

Undergoing surgery is a scary endeavor, fraught with risks from “temporary discoloration of the skin” to “dude why can’t you feel your elbow anymore?” A report in the latest issue of Archives of Surgery describes an even bigger concern when having one’s body cut open and repaired: the possibility that your doctor is hungover. Surgeons who drink to excess the night before surgery are more likely to make errors, according to new research, which concluded that a "bottle-to-scalpel" rule should be put in place that restricts alcohol consumption a certain number of hours before surgery and involves a mandatory three days off any time a doctor drinks whiskey.

TUESDAY APRIL 19

We at WWE! are fans of quality journalism — we read the major stories on the Internet and check every locally produced photo slideshow to see if our made-up names got in. That’s why we were disappointed by today’s news that The Los Angeles Times won a Pulitzer Prize for something as easy as asking a small-town mayor what his salary is (we could get Mallory’s by simply walking over to Kevin Osborne’s desk, waiting for him to finish yelling at us for being there and then asking him what it is). The Times broke the story last year when the city manager of Bell, Calif., answered the question, “What’s your salary,” by saying, “Just $800,000; no big deal.” The story resulted in felony charges against several city officials and angered a police officer who had paid for the mayor’s dinner at Red Lobster once a week for the last two years.


EMAIL SOMETHING COOL TO: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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