WEDNESDAY APRIL 6
Have you ever showed up to a work meeting considerably late, severely unprepared and generally looking like crap because you accidentally drank 11 beers on a Tuesday? (Neither have we.) Two City Council members, however, showed up to their work meeting today needing to use the same excuse (“Wha happened?”) after being notified that a plan they voted for last week is about to charge police officers $5 an hour to work off-duty details. Leslie Ghiz and Wendell Young said they didn’t know the plan would charge for each hour worked, instead assuming it was a $5 per-shift fee that police could easily make up by hitting up Skyline for free coneys twice a night like Young and his cop buddies used to do.
THURSDAY APRIL 7
Most Americans don’t spend a lot of time thinking about places outside of our country, so it would be normal for many to respond to news of Copenhagen, Denmark’s ranking as the happiest city in the world with something along the lines of “Who cares? Fuck Denmark.” But if a writer were to spin such a ranking in a way that interested Americans (talk about us, pls thx) then the story might describe the single American city that made such a list. That’s just what USA Today has done in a lengthy examination of San Luis Obispo, Calif., a coastal town whose residents apparently enjoy very much their broad sidewalks, outdoor cafes, public green spaces, bike lanes and fresh, healthy food. Dan Buettner, the author who created the ranking, said several other American cities came close to making the list but had Walmart locations nearby which somehow make people sad while also saving them money.
FRIDAY APRIL 8
It’s been nearly a year since the unfortunate demise of Touchdown Jesus, the giant statue outside of Solid Rock Church in Monroe that was struck by lighting, burned to the ground and then looked like a preying mantis skeleton.
The Enquirer today reported good news for those who miss the giant likeness of the Lord and Savior or just feel like the huge statue of the horse’s dick a few miles up the road is less rewarding without Jesus to balance it out: Work will soon begin on the replacement statue. Co-designer Tom Tsuchiya says the new 51-foot statue will likely be completed by the end of the year and has asked anyone who notices the structure beginning to resemble something humorous to email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
SATURDAY APRIL 9
If you were a local resident who took the time to determine that a subdivision in Mason called “Crooked Tree” is the best place for you to live and raise a family, then it would be reasonable for you to react to the possibility of developers building a gas station adjacent to your backyard by saying something like: “I didn’t move into Crooked Tree to have a goddam gas station in my backyard instead of a buncha crooked trees! Ahhh!” Unfortunately for you (or, more likely, the rich person you know who actually can afford to move there), a retail development has already been planned for the area and might soon add to the figuratively named community a 4,000-square-foot convenience store and 15,000-square-foot retail center. The possibility of the free market allowing such property-devaluing events to occur has angered Mason Tea Party members, several of whom have threatened to defend their freedom from the convenience store by stealing all of its energy drinks and throwing them in the street.
SUNDAY APRIL 10
We at WWE! do our best to catch mistakes in our work — you’d be surprised how often a “from” is accidentally “form” or someone forgets to put a strikethrough over something we aren’t able to back up or defend. That’s why we appreciated today’s account of General Motors being similarly diligent when checking for errors on its cars, the most recent of which was the steering wheel on the Chevy Cruze accidentally falling off while in use. Chevy says the problem started when the wrong steering wheel was installed on the model and then got worse when technicians attempted to replace it with the correct steering wheel only to do that wrong, too. GM has since recalled 2,100 of the cars, noting that most were returned with steering wheels intact except for one that was crashed and also missing the right front fender and wheel.
MONDAY APRIL 11
There are plenty of reasons why normal people would prefer to stay as far away from Texas and Idaho as possible: limited and mobile resources, lack of law enforcement, unhealthy respect for cowboy stereotypes, etc. The AP today reported yet another reason to avoid these two states: They allow people to
carry loaded guns anywhere they want drive really, really fast. Texas, which is tied with Idaho for the highest speed limits in the U.S. at 80 miles-per-hour, has approved a bill that would raise the speed limit to 85 mph on some of its longer, rural roads that have good sight lines and plenty of land to skid off into without hitting anything important. Several car insurance companies are opposed to the bill due to the recklessness with which the kids in Friday Night Lights drove around after their football team won the state title.
TUESDAY APRIL 12
The Ohio Transportation Review Advisory Council today voted 6-1 to withdraw $52 million in funding from Cincinnati’s proposed streetcar project and is expected to instead award the money to a highway project to be chosen by the next person who beats John Kasich at golf.
TO LEARN HOW TO TEST YOUR CAR'S EMERGENCY BRAKE EMAIL: email@example.com.