WEDNESDAY MARCH 30
If you are the recently conceived fetus of an extremely irresponsible heterosexual couple (or maybe a responsible couple who was doing everything right by God and just had a little accident), then it is safe to say that “timing is everything” — at least when it comes to whether or not you’ll actually be born. According to the AP, the amount of time an unborn child has to earn the status of state-mandated baby could soon be shortened to about six weeks, as an Ohio House committee today approved the “Heartbeat Bill,” a new rule banning abortions after the first detectable heartbeat. The bill does not have the full support of the anti-abortion movement, however, as Ohio Right to Life opposes it due to possible legal challenges that would jeopardize other abortion limits and cause undue stress on mothers who believe they have up to 10 weeks to abort the baby before anyone at the country club will notice.
THURSDAY MARCH 31
Anyone who frequents the downtown
business district knows that certain local celebrations guarantee a
less-than-diverse collection of visitors to our fair city (try yelling
“Go back to Mason!” to random people at Opening Day, Taste of
Cincinnati or Oktoberfest and you’ll be surprised at how many people
think you know them). That’s why it was nice that this year’s Opening
Day was also graced by a group of people
much more civil than local festival-goers: attendees of the Midwest
Home School Convention. The for-profit function was expected to attract
10,000 parents and children interested in learning from the 300
exhibitors about how to better provide this alternative form of
education in which parents teach their kids the stuff they know and
believe instead of allowing professionals to pass on the latest ideas
about things from experts.
FRIDAY APRIL 1
It sucks to get caught cheating at
things — look at how much more trouble Barry Bonds is getting in for
using steroids just because
he lied to Congress about it.
A similar thing is happening to the residents of Green Township, except in their case it means they will soon live around more black people, as federal investigators are currently negotiating ways for the neighborhood to offer the same number of public housing units it would have provided during the past two years if the Cincinnati Housing Authority hadn’t created a plan to keep public housing out of the township because black people mostly use it. A spokeswoman for the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development said other suburban Cincinnati communities should expect the number of public housing units to increase as well, even if it means subsidizing some of Indian Hill’s guesthouses and nicer barns.
SATURDAY APRIL 2
Sometimes it’s important to have a 90-day waiting period — what if you’re purchasing a gun and there’s a chance you might change your mind on which type of animal you want to kill with it? Gov. John Kasich has no such reservations about the recently signed Senate Bill 5, which contains within it a rare condition that it is to take effect immediately, unlike most laws which contain 90-day waiting periods. The law is expected to be put on hold until the November election, however, as opponents of 1920s-era working conditions are expected to gather the 230,000 valid signatures to get it on the ballot so they can try to have rights again.
SUNDAY APRIL 3
Are you a progressive who Gov. John Kasich’s decision to give away federal funding for high-speed rail made you feel like this :( ? Did his recent decision to take away state money for the Cincinnati streetcar make you feel like this >:( ? Well, what if we told you there’s still a viable plan that would provide certain local residents with a commuter rail system? Would you feel like this :) ? If you live on the East Side then you’re likely to be excited about today’s news that a $411 million commuter rail system planned for eastern Greater Cincinnati is still moving forward (though if you live west, north or in the central part of the city you’re probably more like this >:-O or this >:-/ ). Nevertheless, The Enquirer today reported that the “Oasis Commuter Rail,” which would run from downtown to Milford, has bipartisan support and is expected to be fully approved by the local Tea Party once it is explained how different the train is than a trolley.
MONDAY APRIL 4
We at WWE! admittedly are no scholars of the Bible — if you ask us who our favorite character is, we’re likely to say Jesus only because we’ve heard the most cool stories about him (remember when he turned that water into wine?). But if the line “The borrower is slave to the lender” is from the Bible, then we think that’s pretty great (if not, forgive us Father for we are stupid). Either way, we’re pretty sure that if Jesus were still alive today he probably would not have defaulted on his student loans the way 13.8 percent of Americans did during the past three years (we assume Jesus would have found a second job to offset the lack of carpentry work during the housing crisis). The newest numbers from the Department of Education show private schools having the lowest default rates, while for-profit proprietary schools such as Beckfield College and Brown-Mackie College are more or less sending graduates right back into their parents’ basements where income is better spent on Mountain Dew and video games.
TUESDAY APRIL 5
It was really windy today.
E-MAIL RANTS ABOUT WIND TO: firstname.lastname@example.org