WEDNESDAY MARCH 23
Rep. Steve Chabot today returned from the Guantanamo Bay detention facility in Cuba and wasted no time in telling members of the press that his brief visit qualified him to assert that during the nine years the facility has been opened there have been no instances of torture against individuals held there. “All indications are that they act in a processional and restrained fashion with these inmates, so I do not believe torture occurs or has occurred there,” Chabot said. He then added that members of his family waterboard down at Lake Norris nearly every summer and that imprisoning people thousands of miles away from home for as long as our government wishes without filing charges against them or letting their loved ones know their whereabouts is fine because they are Muslims and that means they might be terrorists.
THURSDAY MARCH 24
Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) today addressed the Campbell County Tea Party in Newport, telling those in attendance that everything the government does that the Tea Party does not approve of is wrong and that wearing clothing with the American flag on it means you are a true patriot. Rand added that President Barack Obama should have gotten Congressional approval before ordering airstrikes in Libya. “When it’s not an emergency we should have Congress’ input … Congress should debate, ‘Is our national security threatened by Libya?’ And that’s kind of a stretch to say it is.” Supporters agreed, using the rationale that if false allegations of weapons of mass destruction or trumped-up links to the 9/11 attacks were made first, then bombing another country they can’t locate on a world map would be cool with them.
FRIDAY MARCH 25
A group called Colerain Citizens for Strong Residential Neighborhoods has filed suit in order to stop construction of a nursing home in the township.
Although construction of the facility would create about 100 jobs, the plaintiffs oppose the project on the grounds that it violates zoning laws. The suit states furthermore that allowing old undesirables to dwell so close to their heartless progeny could change the neighborhood dynamic in a negative fashion. If the nursing home is erected, plaintiffs argue, the elderly relatives the group paid good money to put in homes never to be seen or heard from again would be close enough to cause very awkward situations at the Golden Corral, which is a family-oriented establishment that nobody in Colerain avoids regardless of age, sex or creed.
SATURDAY MARCH 26
A group of 100 local volunteers today helped clean up the area’s 10 dirtiest highway exit and entrance ramps as part of a program called the 2011 State Roadway Cleanup. Cincinnati City Councilwoman Laure Quinlivan described the activity as a success, saying, “I talk about making Cincinnati cleaner, greener and smarter, so I thought I’d put my money where my mouth is.” Quinlivan also dispelled the urban legend that hours of volunteer work could not be applied toward future court-mandated community service hours when she told the group of super-pissed-off teens that picking up all those coney crates, Magnum wrappers and beer cans would pay off when they are later busted with pot or booze.
SUNDAY MARCH 27
A newspaper article today described Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine’s support for a proposal to regulate Internet cafes (is this 1995?) and game parlors (is this 1955?) that offer games with cash prizes. Regulation of these institutions would limit the number of games per location and require owners to be licensed. Although the games found in such types of establishments are predominantly small stakes, DeWine says that regulating “mom and pop” wagering institutions is of far greater importance than giving any attention to how the Buckeye State’s plethora of casinos set to open in the next few years will primarily function as conduits for recipients of government aid to piss their welfare and social security checks away one pull of the one-armed bandit at a time.
MONDAY MARCH 28
Super Mega Fun Time local church chain Crossroads announced that it will soon sink $11 million into developing a new site in Florence, Ky. Pastor Brian Tome spoke of his hopes for “Crossroads to be 100,000 people” during his lifetime, noting that the church’s “efforts to juxtapose the Walmart Roll Back smiley face with Christ on the cross are being handled by a talented team of graphic designers.” Speaking of the limitless and free future ahead of all who bow down to the cross, Tome went on to say that “the coffee bar we have is frickin’ sweet, and one of our junior pastors even knows a little bit of the Hip Hop.”
TUESDAY MARCH 29
It seems that Chad Ochocinco’s latest publicity stunt, attempting to play Major League Soccer with a team called Sporting Kansas City, will soon be coming to an end, as coach Peter Vermes is expected to soon meet with the man with more name changes than playoff victories to discuss his future with the club (“you aren’t on it”). Ochocinco, who admitted that his skills and conditioning are not up to snuff with MLS players who take the game seriously and don’t use it as a press opportunity, said he hopes there is a resolution to the NFL labor dispute soon so he can get back to talking to anyone who will listen about how great of a receiver he is and blaming everyone but himself for losing all the time.
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