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March 16-22: Worst Week Ever!

By isaac Thorn · March 23rd, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY MARCH 16

Kentucky’s House today passed a measure that will raise the minimum age at which dropping out of school becomes an option from 16 to 18 years old. Unfortunately for First Lady Jane Beshear, who has given the issue priority during the last two years, the measure was quickly smote in the state Senate. The Republicans who control the Senate have no issue with the core goal of this educational issue, according to a spokesperson who was quoted as saying, “What she wants is fine with us, but if we’re going to go about making changes to young people’s lives in our Commonwealth we should probably include a ban on T-shirts depicting Tweety Bird wearing a backwards hat and pager while smoking a blunt.”

THURSDAY MARCH 17

A drug trafficker was busted in Hamilton, Ohio, today, which Butler County prosecutor Mike Gmoser found to be a good reason to describe how awesome these types of busts are because it means that “the merchants of misery are being put out of business.” When asked how this could be possible since drug quality and availability have vastly increased while prices have lowered significantly during “The War on Drugs,” Gmoser again replied, “The merchants of misery are being put out of business.” Gmoser went on to say that his answer will remain the same no matter how many points are raised supporting the idea that the War on Drugs is as about as ineffective as Prohibition was, but mostly because his concept sounds cool, and is dark and foreboding, too.

FRIDAY MARCH 18

Apparently if the billionaires and millionaires of the NFL can’t get on the same page and end their labor dispute something even more important than fantasy football is going to be threatened: America’s chicken wing business. Joe Sanderson Jr., owner and CEO of the nation’s fourth-largest poultry company, today said, “If we don’t have Sunday football the demand will go down tremendously, and of course if that happens, the price will go down.” After thinking about this for about four seconds, every Bengals fan in the Tristate began circulating an online petition entitled “Forget the Bingles, can we please has the cheap wings you spoke of now plz?”

SATURDAY MARCH 19

WCPO TV has reportedly secured more information about the new “Dinosaurs Alive!” attraction at Paramount’s Kings Island to be offered this year.

Beginning May 26, visitors will be able to see more than 60 life-sized animatronic dinosaurs placed in six scenes and nine exhibits in a half-mile stretch of wooded area at the park. When asked if the exhibit would feature Jesus sliding down the tail of a Camarasaurus or jousting with someone who supports the right for homosexuals to be legally married whilst perched atop a velociraptor, a park representative replied, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and besides the Creation Museum already did that.”

SUNDAY MARCH 20

Hamilton County Auditor Dusty Rhodes today dropped some knowledge on fools’ heads via an opinion article published in The Enquirer. Rhodes informed the readership that it is unwise to depend on state funding sources for stupid ideas like the streetcar because while Hamilton County can be counted on to fund many stupid ideas, expecting it to do so for anything that doesn’t seem foolhardy at the very first glance is a way riskier proposition. Responding to some liberal who probably DOESN’T TYPE IN ALL CAPS WHEN COMMENTING ON CINCINNATI.COM STORIES, Rhodes burned the author who suggested that the streetcar might reverse the decades-long trend of population decline in Cincinnati’s urban core by writing that “Butler, Clermont, and Warren counties saw increases in population. That must have been because of all the streetcars there.” (Ha.) Despite the inherently flawed logic of that supposition, it was noted that most of the people who were part of the white flight that Rhodes touts are now less than satisfied since the banking system collapse devalued the houses they couldn’t actually afford, but mostly because their children keep listening to Rap music.

MONDAY MARCH 21

It’s been 12 years since a fatal storm tore through our region causing millions of dollars in damage. Do you know where the 137 tornado sirens purchased in 1999 are? If you guessed safely mounted to tall things so they can notify us of approaching twisters, you’d be wrong. The answer is “warehouse,” where they will presumably be kept safe right through the approaching peak tornado season. The Enquirer today reported the details of the pre-Y2K plan, which involve a system of sirens functioning in a fashion which would enable every resident in Hamilton County to hear sirens when a dangerous storm approaches. Hamilton County Emergency Management officials say the upgrade has been difficult to complete because the plan is tied to multiple grants and the specific procedures they require. Officials defended the long delay by citing the construction of the Giza Pyramids and the Panama Canal, pointing out that “compared to them two this hasn’t taken that long at all.”

TUESDAY MARCH 22

Political commentator Juan Williams has joined the GOP in its fight to eliminate federal funding for NPR. Williams might or might have not felt the same had he not been fired by NPR for his stunningly stupid remarks about Muslims, but who knows? Williams is also expected show support for any guy who wants to call the chick he got stood up by on prom night fat and/or ugly.


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