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March 9-15: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · March 16th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!


Most people know what it’s like to stroll into the doctor’s office for a routine checkup only to hop on the scale and receive a startling dose of reality (“yes, sir, you weigh 20 pounds more than last year; also, you can’t eat those chicken wings in here). Mayor Mark Mallory today received some bad news he probably should have expected, as the latest U.S. Census figures show a 10-percent drop in Cincinnati’s population during the last decade. Mallory and other city officials were surprised by the population loss, which coincides with the quickly growing areas north of Cincinnati where communities are predominantly white the houses are bigger and the schools are better.


Sometimes hearing old people reminisce about the past can be a little weird: When they’re all, “The 1950s were just a marvelous time — we used to go dancing and it was just great,” young people are often like, “Uh, didn’t black people have to drink out of separate water fountains back then? Ya’ll are dicks.” The same type of reaction was likely common for those reading today’s Enquirer flashback to 1934, when WLW built an 831-foot tower on Tylersville Road that, while impressive in its height and powerful signal, very much interrupted the lives of Mason residents for several decades. The 500,000-watt tower was reportedly so strong from 1934 to 1939 that it powered nearby neon signs and rattled metal gutters on buildings. “You’d take a bath, and you could hear WLW radio on the tub,” said one man who lived in Mason until the 1970s when he couldn’t take it anymore. “Sometimes, the radio broadcasts were so strong on the phone that you couldn’t even hear the other person talk. It sucked. Fuck WLW.”


One has to imagine that there are plenty of ways for a professional sports league to divvy up $9 billion in yearly revenue (technically you could split it into 900 billion pennies and then consider a really wide range of options).

Unfortunately for fans of the National Football League, no such agreement was made in time to avoid a lockout of the league’s players, leaving the 2011 season in jeopardy. The players’ union reportedly dissolved itself in order for players to sue the NFL in class-action lawsuit against what they consider to now be a monopoly (college football doesn’t count as a competitor because the players don’t get any of the money they make for the schools). The antitrust suit — forever to be known as Brady et al vs. National Football League et al — demanded changes to the league’s draft, increasing the salary cap and removing kickers from the game.


It’s not everyday that a local news story gains enough national attention that those of us in the media receive text messages from journalists in other states regarding how big of “schlubs” we have in our town. But today’s account of Jeff Ruby’s Waterfront restaurant breaking free from the shore and nearly floating down the river had all the makings of a national story: well-known restauranteur; drama on the high river; nationally known football broadcaster jumping off first. The Enquirer broke out its live coverage team for the incident, reporting until after 1 a.m. on the restaurant moving 100 feet downstream, stopping against a bridge and then not refunding anyone’s money because they got to go on a boat ride.


If you attended grade school in a crappy part of Cincinnati’s northern suburbs you know just how exciting it is to receive a celebrity visitor to discuss what kind of hard work it takes to be a successful member of society (even if it’s Rob Dibble and he’s likely accruing community service hours for the speech). A group of students in Arlington, Va., today received a similarly motivational visit, this one from President Barack Obama who was reportedly no less candid about the trials and tribulations facing today’s kids. Obama described himself as “at his worst” during eighth grade and then urged today’s students to stay focused and have fun, but to never wave their hands in the air for fear of teachers thinking it means they no longer care about their studies.


We at WWE! know firsthand how temperamental politicians can be — one little mention of the phrase “little tiny one” and several current City Councilmen start prepping their defamation lawsuits (even though whoever actually files it is pretty much admitting he has a micropenis). The AP today reported a similarly unreasonable reaction, this one by prominent conservatives in response to the likelihood of Sarah Palin running for president in 2012. Apparently a collection of angry right-wing thinkers, including George Will, Fox News boss Roger Ailes and the guy who came up with the line “Keep your government hands off my Medicare!,” believe that a Palin presidential candidacy would be disastrous, unlike in 2008 when selecting her as a vice presidential candidate was hugely successful.


The NCAA Tournament is finally here. Do you know what that means? It’s time for Consumerist magazine to use the tournament as a means for pointing out who the worst companies in America are! Whoot! Whoot! Whoot! Consumerist’s 32-company bracket is anchored by No. 1 seed Comcast, which is expected to easily hold off the feisty telecom and banking companies on the heels of a 2010 on-demand selection that only included Martin Lawrence movies.

ELECTRONIC MAIL: dcross@citybeat.com



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