WEDNESDAY MARCH 2
Signing one’s name to things is a large part of the collegiate experience, from marking your personal essays to supporting petitions for a better world to student loan agreements that secure party money now in exchange for decades of payments later. But even the highest private-loan apr can’t compete with the document Brigham Young University basketball player Brandon Davies today found his name on — the BYU Honor Code. Administrators offered the document to recap the types of things Davies had agreed not to do while in their school: respect others (check); be honest (sure); use clean language (pretty much); abstain from premarital sex (uh oh...). After admitting that he did in fact have consensual sex with his girlfriend, Davies was kicked off the school’s No. 3-ranked basketball team, giving thousands of Mormons a renewed sense of self-worth they hope to still feel after their basketball team loses in the second round of the NCAA Tournament next week.
THURSDAY MARCH 3
Most people have been to a party (City Council meeting) where one or more attendees (Jeff Berding) are obviously not welcome, but no one (real Council members) will kick them out for fear of looking like a dick to available members of the opposite sex (voters). The Enquirer today reported on such a situation, only instead of painting Berding as the dude who barfs off the porch after chugging a Little Kings that isn’t his, the story described the unpopular councilman as a guy who just tries too hard to do things. Berding in January announced his pending resignation from Council but has since continued his dickish ways, speaking out against the likes of Mayor Mallory, unions, panhandlers and Jordan Palmer even though he didn’t do anything wrong.
FRIDAY MARCH 4
Those of us who attended journalism school don’t expect the average reporter to have a great sense of humor — most of our classmates were into either activism or sports, a combination of interests that only rarely resulted in something funny (women’s basketball notwithstanding).
That’s why it was kind of sad today to read The Enquirer’s collection of what it believed to be humorous tweets by state Sen. Shannon Jones, who when not busy crushing the hopes and dreams of public employeesserving in Columbus publishes things like, “Why do I always lose the expensive lipstick in 2 days but manage to keep the cheap stuff for years?” (ha). The collection of tweets accompanied a glowing profile of the woman along with a sidebar offering one-liners about union breaks and coffee cakes that taste like shit no matter how many times you microwave them.
SATURDAY MARCH 5
There are always going to be pluses and minuses when considering different preparations of meat for dinner: In general, the less cooked meat is more delicious but also offers the highest likelihood of poopy pants at some point in the evening. Ohio agriculture businesses today found themselves in the same predicament, only the undercooked meat was still alive and the underwear about to be ruined was their own, as the Humane Society has threatened to revive a ballot issue over the inhumane treatment of calves. The animal rights group says the latest standards allow crates too small for the baby cows to turn around, which jeopardizes an agreement made last year to let them spend their last living days twisting around if they want to. Ohio Agriculture Director Jim Zehringer told The Columbus Dispatch he expects the legislation to be changed once a public comment period allows the activists bring in their little cow and cry about it.
SUNDAY MARCH 6
It’s Sunday night. Football season is over and The Simpsons hasn’t been funny since new shows started pointing out that fat white male heads of households are hilariously stupid, worthy of decades of mockery. So what are you supposed to do? If you live in Cincinnati, the answer is simple: watch your mayor dress up as a dude named Rick Wilson and go do work for the city. Mallory today became the first public official to appear on the CBS show Undercover Boss, which documented several days of the mayor working alongside municipal workers picking up dead animals, working on vehicles and writing parking tickets. Mallory has generally received positive reviews from viewers of the show, though the real city mechanic said he thought Rick Wilson was messing with him when he kept turning the screwdriver the wrong way.
MONDAY MARCH 7
There are two ways to look at today’s Cincinnati Park Board decision to stop maintaining most of its greenspaces: “Aww, daggone flowers gonna all be gone” and “Good riddance.” Cincinnati City Council assumed most people would agree with the latter when it cut the board’s greenspace program by nearly $500,000, resulting in 25 of the city’s 41 flower, grass, tree and bush areas to be abandoned. The city has asked the Ohio Department of Transportation for additional help maintaining the ones in nicer parts of town.
TUESDAY MARCH 8
When the 17-member Fort Ancient Valley Conference dissolved it made sense to separate into two leagues, one for the blacksmall schools (Ross, Edgewood, Talawanda, Harrison, Northwest, Mount Healthy, Little Miami, Wilmington and Winton Woods) and another for the white large schools (Anderson, Glen Este, Kings, Loveland, Milford, Turpin and Walnut Hills), which just so happen to be conveniently geographically connected due to Cincinnati’s residential segregation diversity of neighborhoods.
FREE COUPONS: firstname.lastname@example.org