WEDNESDAY FEB. 23
We at WWE! are no strangers to the term “callous insubordination” — the other day we asked an intern to come in on a Wednesday and do you know what that little bastard said? That his economics class was more important than our bar listings! Economics! The Enquirer today reported another heinous act, this one by local famous lawyer Stan Chesley, whose involvement in a $200 million fen-phen settlement has been described by a Kentucky trial commissioner as “shocking and reprehensible.” The opinion was offered as part of a 21-page report on Chesley’s misleading and incomplete answers during the subsequent investigation and included a Charles Dickens reference that Chesley reportedly took as a compliment.
THURSDAY FEB. 24
Those of us who receive much more stuff in the mail than we remember asking for know what it’s like to receive bad things via the USPS (thanks for the $50 check, Visa; totally gonna cash it without reading the terms of service). House Speaker John Boehner today received a similarly irritating letter, this one from Attorney General Eric Holder notifying him that the Obama administration has determined the Defense of Marriage Act to be unconstitutional. The decision to withdraw federal support for the 1996 law that denies federal recognition of married same-sex couples came from President Obama himself, who also noted that it was not cool of Boehner to try to not sign for the letter by telling the mailman that John had moved to Guadalupe the week before.
FRIDAY FEB. 25
Most people who have seen even just a preview for an episode of Two and a Half Men have an opinion on why some people think it’s funny to watch Charlie Sheen’s character talking about women’s boobs in front of a teenager (because they’re stupid). That’s why it was ironic today to learn that the show has been canceled due to Sheen’s increasingly crazy real life. CBS and Warner Bros.
SATURDAY FEB. 26
There are certain things that parents
like to know about a product before purchasing it for their children:
Is it safe? Will it make my baby smarter? What’s the likelihood of it
making my little boy gay? The AP today reported that a new government
database created to answer the more relevant of such questions has been
at least temporarily halted by “manufacturers and some members of
Congress” who fear that such a Web site could
hinder profits so much that there’s no settlement monty later
include inaccurate or misleading reports. An amendment to withhold
funding for the database was sponsored by freshman Sen. Mike Pompeo,
R-Kan., who said the Consumer Product Safety Commission can test
products just as well by leaving them in the House of Representatives
and watching Democrats play with them during debates they can’t win
even when they’re right.
SUNDAY FEB. 27
Any time someone tells you that they don’t agree with you “per se,” it’s likely that what they’re really saying is that they totally disagree with you but don’t want to sound like a dick — “You’re not a bad journalist, per se, it’s just that your continued use of passive voice makes me think you’re a bad person.” Gov. John Kasich today used similar language to explain how his support for Senate Bill 5 isn’t because he’s against unions, more like a supporter of public sector jobs that pay less. Kasich said the bill is the only way for him to keep his campaign promise to create equality between public- and private-sector workers because he already asked private companies to pay their workers more and they said no.
MONDAY FEB. 28
It would be perfectly normal for an elected representative at 8:30 a.m. on a Monday to be sitting in his office, checking the morning news and clicking through e-mails (What’s this? A 50-percent-of coupon? Hmm...). Such was the scene in Rep. Steve Chabot’s office described today by The Enquirer, only instead of wearing his dark suit with the flag pin on it Chabot was still in his jammies because he had just woken up on an air mattress next to his desk. Chabot is reportedly one of many representatives who are sleeping in their offices rather than paying for expensive apartments in Washington, D.C. Chabot noted that sleeping in the office saves him about an hour of commuting per day which allows him to keep up with his appointments without sacrificing his FarmVille game.
TUESDAY MARCH 1
Anti-abortion groups are known for being clever, with their “pro-choice” term insinuating that other people are “pro-death” and their photos of dead fetuses attempting to make people actually want to have babies. One of the movement’s more creative branches today signed up a live fetus to appear as a legislative witness for a bill that would outlaw abortion after the first heartbeat. The in-utero witness (which will still be inside a woman, duh) would will be the youngest to ever testify before an Ohio House committee, narrowly defeating a 3-month-old baby chicken that PETA once killed in front of the Department of Agriculture to prove another point.
FOR FREE INVESTING ADVICE E-MAIL: firstname.lastname@example.org