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Feb. 16-22: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · February 23rd, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY FEB. 16

Those of us who long ago replaced our iPods with the one Apple invented that also has a phone in it don’t have to worry about getting our cars broken into for leaving our 8-gig sitting on the seat (in which case we’d only really care about the broken window and change missing from the console). Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis today broke Rule No. 2 when it comes to leaving electronics in plain sight of thieves: Don’t forget about the charger. The Enquirer reported today that Leis’ unmarked four-door Ford police vehicle was broken into while the sheriff enjoyed a session at The Cincinnati Athletic Club, a corporate-quality facility where powerful men in Cincinnati enjoy working out together and taking the occasional naked swim. The police refused to provide details on whether Leis was wearing a towel at the time the incident occurred.

THURSDAY FEB. 17

If you were to ask the average child what he or she thinks of police officers, firefighters and teachers it’s likely you would receive a positive response, perhaps even a desire for the kid to become such a respected member of society as an adult. The same can’t be said for current Tea Party members, many of whom attended today’s testimony in Columbus to support a bill that would take away many bargaining rights for such professionals. The AP today reported that more than 4,000 opponents of the bill showed up to support union rights, chanting things like “kill the bill” and “someone was nice to you once.” At a rally on the west lawn of the statehouse, Cincinnati Tea Party founder Mike Wilson reportedly riled up a gathering of adults wearing Halloween costumes by reciting the words to the “Pledge of Allegiance” in a deep voice like God.

FRIDAY FEB. 18

There’s a reason why individuals take pride in having nicknames associated with things respected and/or feared by society: threatening stereotypes from the past (cowboys), deadly natural disasters (hurricanes) and luxury products (Gucci Mane) all make for cross-culturally respected monikers.

Unfortunately for Northern Kentucky’s fiercest lawyer, Eric “The Bulldog” Deters, a state disciplinary officer today showed no such respect for the title, recommending 181 days in the kennel for the big dog. The Enquirer reported today that Trial Commissioner Frank P. Doheny wrote in a 21-page report that Deters “engaged in a pattern of conduct that simply stated is ‘sue first, ask questions later’ and during proceedings pretty much acted like a real dick.”

SATURDAY FEB. 19

According to its preview at www.creationmuseum.org, Christian theatre writer Geri Campbell in her latest work, Eve Remembered, asks a poignant question: If a loving God exists, why is there so much suffering? Campbell’s work helps people to better understand sin’s origin, though it reportedly fails to answer the question of why God today made two homosexuals so bored that they chose to go on a date in Kentucky. The visit to “Date Night” at the Creation Museum didn’t go as planned, however, as the two men were denied entry. Mark Looy, chief communications officer for the Creation Museum, said the event’s promotional material made it clear that it was for heterosexual couples only and then made a reference to “Adam and Steve” that nobody laughed at.

SUNDAY FEB. 20

There are some things about Democracy that you have to admit are pretty cool, even if you’re a Tea Partier who hates the police concerned with our nation’s rising debt and uncertain economic future. One of them is the ability to hold elected leaders to standards of ethics defined by the culture at large. Unfortunately for Ohioans, the new private corporation in charge of bringing jobs to Ohio — along with the California resident currently heading the company — is more or less exempted from such oversight, as evidenced by today’s report of the few details available about JobsOhio. In response to media requests for more information than simply a new name and logo, Gov. John Kasich reportedly faxed every newspaper in the state the chorus of Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You” song.

MONDAY FEB. 21

We at WWE! aren’t going to act like we’ve never had an intern show up to work on Monday only to report hilarious weekend shenanigans involving severe drunkenness, a loaded handgun and a couple buddies getting locked up for firing shots into the air (no harm no foul — as long as your buddies’ parents know good lawyers). The state of Texas today moved another step forward in its fight to include in the collegiate experience the presence of loaded guns, as half the members of the state House have signed a measure directing universities to allow concealed handguns. A similar bill was passed by the state Senate in 2009 but stalled in the house because legislators feared that an armed student during the University of Texas’ National Masturbation Day celebration might feel embarrassed and pull out the heater.

TUESDAY FEB. 22

Visitor’s to the Kroger store in Liberty Township today were greeted by a familiar face: PETE ROSE! The Hit King popped into Cincinnati’s favorite northern suburb to sign “4192” items that fans purchased at the store, thought it was reported that he only signed two items per person and refused to even initial an apple that a lady only bought because it looked like a baseball.


FOR A FULL REFUND: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

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