WEDNESDAY FEB. 9
For some people, formality and etiquette are viewed as necessary areas of study, essential to appropriate social behavior and the American dream (note to self: learn how to golf). That’s why today’s report of free tea party classes was intriguing to anyone who thinks familiarizing oneself with British delicacies and practicing witty banter could lead to success later in life (seriously, just learn how to golf). The Enquirer today explained that the tea party classes in question involve no such training, only the most basic tools of journalism taught by people who hate the media. According to the story, attendees of tea party classes will learn about Ohio’s budget, school funding and state open government laws before being subjected to a final exam on sending angry e-mails with every other word in capital letters.
THURSDAY FEB. 10
People who grew up in Cincinnati generally don’t spend a lot of time trying to prove that our city is an exciting place — we’re just fine mixing our occasional cultural celebrations with regularly scheduled backyard barbecues and moving along with our lives a little drunk. But even in a down-home, humble place such as ours, there occasionally occurs a cultural event so exciting that it forever alters every resident’s life forever. Such an incident occurred today when George Clooney and his family went to Northside to film the front of some buildings. The news stirred such interest that the daily newspaper spent the rest of the week gathering star sightings for a map that included the UDF in Clifton where Ryan Gosling had to poop after eating at Skyline.
FRIDAY FEB. 11
Anyone who uses a smartphone knows how frustrating it is to accidentally touch the Pandora app when you’re trying to open the Weather Channel (“I want to know what jacket to wear — I already listened to Green Day today!”).
SATURDAY FEB. 12
We in the media tend to receive a lot of crazy e-mails — from the Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas to fake notes from President Obama asking for help with things (nice try “Barack,” we’ll help you save health care right after we get our grandma’s credit card back from the African prince). Unfortunately our colleagues over at The Enquirer are much more gullible, as evidenced by their continued posting of politically motivated surveys and polls without the requisite investigation of credibility (y’all ever hearda Google?). Today’s example was a new survey submitted to editors by anti-streetcar activist Chris Finney, who noted that he had no idea who paid for it, just that it showed most people hating the streetcar. Streetcar supporters said it was typical of The Enquirer to allow such editorializing but that it was inappropriate to include in the headline one of these: >:’(
SUNDAY FEB. 13
Sometimes even a liberal has to admit that the government is getting so big that it’s best to simply sell parts of it so the free market has to deal with all the headaches. (Voting is a real pain in the ass if you think about it.) That’s why it was refreshing today to hear Gov. John Kasich’s latest consideration: selling the Ohio Turnpike if he can get around $2.5 billion for it. Kasich said a billion from the deal could be used for other roads, bridges and harbors with the rest set aside to sue the private company that operates the turnpike should it ever block all the exit ramps like the one that made New Jersey suck so bad.
MONDAY FEB. 14
There’s only one thing worse than graduating from a university the year before it offers your preferred major (even though going to graduate school is a fun way of reliving your glory days with new smarter friends), and that’s being the final graduate of a university program before it is canceled. Such is the case for 125 current University of Cincinnati Computer Science students whose majors will no longer exist once they receive their degrees. Administrators for the College of Engineering and Applied Science say the decision was based on a $4.9 million budget cut and had nothing to do with middle-school students knowing more about computers than adults now.
TUESDAY FEB. 15
Generally, accepting free services from an organization with straight-up racist motivations is considered a bad idea by American politicians (even Strom Thurmond stopped doing it in like the 1980s). This is not so much the case for local Rep. Jean Schmidt, who is being investigated by the Office of Congressional Ethics for receiving legal assistance from a Turkish-American interest group that didn’t so much respect her as a candidate as it disapproved of her opponent David Krikorian, who is of Armenian descent. A Schmidt spokesman released a statement on Monday stating that her campaign didn’t break any House rules because it never received a bill for the legal services so they didn’t happen, just like the Armenian genocide.
EMAIL GEORGE CLOONEY: firstname.lastname@example.org