If you've ever put a bag of frozen chicken into an oven at a college party, dialed it up to 400 degrees and then responded to the first angry resident with a believable, “Wha happened?!?” then you know what it was like to be a Republican today. The GOP-sponsored vote on health care repeal failed in the Senate just as it was expected to, with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell calling the vote a success for allowing Republicans to go on the record with their objections. Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad pointed out that a recent Congressional Budget Office report said overturning the law will cost $145 billion by 2019 and $230 billion by 2021, which McConnell casually dismissed before cracking open a can of Coke Zero and calling it delicious.
THURSDAY FEB. 3
There are only two expected responses when a man is asked whether he has ever cheated on his wife: One is, “It is not true — there is no factual basis for these allegations,” and the other is, “I'll fuckin' kill you!” (More often than not the angrier option is better evidence of innocence.) John Boehner's spokesman today chose the first option in response to a National Enquirer report that the House Speaker has twice previously cheated on his wife. The tabloid newspaper, which in 2007 first reported the extramarital affair of John Edwards, cites “Capitol Hill insiders” and “sources” who say Boehner's mistresses included a lobbyist for the printing industry and a press secretary for another Republican congressman. The Enquirer contacted the printing industry lobbyist who reportedly mumbled something about Boehner crying during sex and then hung up the phone.
Those of us who prefer that our partners in intimacy have soft skin and smell like the more elegant of car air fresheners (the yellow ones are super sexy) were bummed to learn today that one of the not-so-secret ingredients to our partners' apparent cleanliness is about to go off the market.
City Councilman Wendell
Young today suggested a citywide ban on the sale of bath salts in
response a new US News & World Report describing the salts as
being increasingly snorted, smoked and injected for a cocaine- and
meth- like high. Young said it's imperative to restrict our
children's access to these dangerous drugs no matter how difficult it
is to make love without the intoxicating fragrance of chamomile.
SATURDAY FEB. 5
commonly understood that Cincinnatians are pretty heavy drinkers —
we have German roots, a centuries-old brewing tradition and festivals
largely dedicated to getting wasted in public (don't try to act like
you go to Taste of Cincinnati to eat La Rosa's). That's why today's
news that Fresno, Calif., topped a new ranking of America's drunkest
cities made us wonder just how intoxicated a city can get. It turns
out that the data used by Men's
Health magazine is based on
bad things such as death rates from liver disease, alcohol-involved
car crashes and frequency of binge-drinking. Cincinnati ranked No.
72, with the magazine noting that its C ranking would be elevated to
a B- if it could curtail the number of Colerain teenagers driving
their moms' cars on Four Loko.
SUNDAY FEB. 6
For many women, it's easy to agree with the following statement: “Republicans are assholes.” But a woman were to be raped in the state of Georgia, a new GOP-sponsored measure would not allow her to be referred to as a “victim,” instead designating her an “accuser” until the rapist (alleged) is convicted. A new bill by Rep. Bobby Franklin would change all in-court references to “victims” of rape, sexual assault and stalking to “accusers,” while still allowing “victims” of such crimes as burglary, assault and fraud to be referred to as “victims” during criminal proceedings. Franklin acknowledged that 60 percent of rapes and sexual assaults are never reported to police and said his proposed changes could help make it seem like rape never even happens in Georgia.
Do you know what's worse than spending thousands of dollars on Super Bowl tickets, flights and hotels only to travel halfway across the country and watch your team lose the big game? Walking through the turnstiles and being told, “Sorry bub, your seats don't exist anymore.” Such was the case for 400 ticket-holders who arrived at Super Bowl XLV only to find out their temporary seating areas had not been approved by local fire officials. The NFL today announced all 400 fans will be special guests of the NFL to next year's Super Bowl and receive a year's worth of Doritos to hold them over until next year when their favorite team almost assuredly won't be in it.
TUESDAY FEB. 8
lawyer and WLW-AM radio host Eric Deters is a big man — he's fought
other men in cages and calls himself “The Bulldog.” After a
lengthy court battle with Kentucky Supreme Court justices and the
Kentucky Bar Association, The Bulldog today performed the equivalent
of cowering in fear, lowering his little tail to cover his genitals
in shame, by asking U.S. District Judge Danny Reeves please not to
sanction him. Reeves had accused Deters of misrepresenting the law in
a Feb. 14 hearing and said a first-year law student could have done
better research than what went into Deters' orignal suit. Deters said
Reeves' verbal reprimand was enough punishment and that William
Howard Taft wouldn't have wanted him to be punished because he's a
SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY: email@example.com