WEDNESDAY JAN. 26
Anyone familiar with Libertarians understands that there’s often a certain amount of humorous exaggeration involved in their beliefs — Ron Paul’s continued opposition to the Civil Rights Act of 1964 is still hilarious to a lot of people (mostly people who think he’s kidding). Republican Sen. Rand Paul today took a page out of his old man’s book when he unveiled his idea for a $500 billion one-year budget cut (ha). Paul’s plan involves cutting three cabinet departments, folding the Energy Department into the Department of Defense and reportedly turning the Education Department into a militia training academy to eventually replace state police. Paul’s communications director Moira Bagley said the plan is not a satire despite its numerous references to Rand’s huge penis.
THURSDAY JAN. 27
For most people, a visit to a Taco Bell restaurant is an infrequent occurrence, normally undertaken late at night after several hours of bad decisions (were you wasted or do you really believe there’s supposed to be a “fourth meal?”). As such, there’s generally little backlash when a menu item is accompanied by a surprise ingredient: “Dude, my burrito has Fritos in it … and it’s fucking delicious.” The noted Mexi-American food retailer today defended some of the less popular surprise ingredients, namely all the stuff in its “meat mix” that isn’t actually “meat.” In response to a lawsuit alleging that Taco Bell beef includes too little beef to be called beef, president Greg Creed said the company is proud of its meat and would be willing to market the oats and soy lectithin parts if they sounded as delicious as they taste.
FRIDAY JAN. 28
Just when you thought it was safe to click “like” on a Facebook advertisement for a burrito with Fritos in it due to the immense humor it will provide your Internet friends (“Ugh man! Jimmy say he ate that shit from Taco Bell with the Fritos in it! Ugh!”), the social media site goes and changes its terms of service to allow companies to pay for user endorsements
SATURDAY JAN. 29
We at WWE! never thought we’d say it, but we miss seeing George W. Bush on TV — seems like only yesterday we were laughing about him walking around a ranch with his dogs. But even we must admit that today’s news that GW is through with politics and fund-raising made us a little sad, as his exit interview with C-SPAN included the same facial expressions and mispronunciations that made us laugh at him for all those years. Bush was reportedly in the middle of explaining his reluctance to undermine the current president and disinterest in going on talk shows when he noticed all the TV cameras pointing at him and accidentally went into his “Decider” speech before ripping off the microphone, yelling zippidee-do-dah and running off the set.
SUNDAY JAN. 30
Are you in line to inherit an estate worth more than $338,333? No? Want to vote against a Republican-led repeal of Ohio’s estate tax? Why the hell not?!? The AP today reported that GOP lawmakers have proposed a bill that would repeal the state’s 43-year-old tax amid concerns over wealthy people choosing to die in other states rather than subject their families to inheriting a slightly smaller fortune in Ohio. Matt Yuskewich, a Columbus accountant who does estate planning, said many clients choose to move out of the state but that others are forced to stay due to “family obligations and other types of bullshit.”
MONDAY JAN. 31
Last week’s icy rain might have made Cincinnatians feel like a little more global warming wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but USA Today reported one group that would respectfully disagree: polar bears. A new international study has found that the water flowing from the North Atlantic Ocean into the Arctic Ocean is the warmest its been in 2,000 years, and the 3.5 degree rise during the last 100 years is significantly weirder than any previous climate variations. Current temperatures are reportedly 2.5 degrees higher than during the Medieval Warm Period, a time of elevated warmth from A.D. 900 to 1300 that prompted the invention of the cannon as a means for shooting a little bit of heat off the sun.
TUESDAY FEB. 1
It’s commonly believed that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction even though it’s impossible to see the reaction most of the time (such as your chair’s reaction to your ass sitting on it). A similarly non-transparent reaction occurs every time a Republican makes the government smaller by privatizing it. Such was the case today when John Kasich (R-Business Interests) turned the Ohio Department of Development into a private job-creation board overseen by a venture capitalist who says a publicized travel and meeting schedule would be detrimental to his job. Several Democratic amendments to the bill were rejected, including a ban on bonuses to employees, limits on campaign donations from companies receiving incentives and the construction of a swimming pool for Democrats to use while Republicans govern without them for the next four years.
TO POINT OUT MISTAKES: firstname.lastname@example.org