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Dec. 29-Jan.4: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · January 5th, 2011 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY DEC. 29

There are many reasons why a person might choose to abort an accidental pregnancy — maybe you don't have the resources necessary to adequately care for a child or you don't feel like moving to Wisconsin for nine months until your rich parents can give it away. The Enquirer today reported a new reason to choose life: your unborn baby might be Jesus. Right to Life of Greater Cincinnati has placed five billboards around Cincinnati that show an ultrasound baby with a little halo around his head and the words “Christmas Starts with Christ.” The ad was developed by British organization ChurchAds.net, which says it's not necessarily a campaign against abortion but that any doctor willing to perform the procedure on a halo baby should have his or her license revoked.

THURSDAY DEC. 30

It's commonly understood that Republicans are quite skilled at wordplay: According to the GOP, Operation Iraqi Freedom was totally unselfish and “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” is not a secret code for experimentation among heterosexual comrades. That's why it wasn't surprising to hear that Ohio's newly elected governor has appointed a new director of the Ohio Environmental Protection Agency who enjoys balancing environmental protection with business interests. Gov.-elect John Kasich today explained his dual philosophy of expanding oil and gas drilling across the state while also protecting Ohio's natural “jewels” as much as they're worth (not that much). The story also included a correction noting that an earlier version of the story incorrectly identified Kasich as not being an asshole.

FRIDAY DEC. 31

Sometimes there's no way to know why individuals do things — before this year no one ever expected Brett Favre to text pictures of his ding dong to women who weren't his wife (also confusing: his wearing of Crocs in the photos).

That's why those of us who aren't sure what exactly guided Democrat David Pepper away from his party's first majority on Hamilton County Commission in 40 years (good try on the state auditor race you lost though, hope you didn't lose confidence in your daddy's name) aren't actually that concerned that his replacement is guided by the values of the Tea Party. Chris Monzel says he's looking forward to bringing fiscal responsibility to the office and that his “Don't Tread on Me Flag” is going to look awesome behind his new government-owned desk.

SATURDAY JAN. 1

We at WWE! are willing to try really hard in any contest that involves the prize of a $75 pizza party (say ski ball — we fucking dare you!). But today's news of four fifth-grade students at Loveland Intermediate School only placing third in this year's Ohio Stock Market Game made us feel like some challenges might not be worth it (we just feel like buying our own pizza; we're not scared that rich fifth graders are smarter than us). Either way, The Enquirer reported today that Team Alpha Omega successfully theoretically invested $100,000 over a 10-week session and then donated its pizza party winnings to a local homeless shelter to use for lunchmeat sandwiches. It was also reported that a four-person group from Loveland High School won first place in the High School Division but was disqualified for actually investing their parents money and then having a huge pizza party with mass booze.

SUNDAY JAN. 2

Those of us who are formally trained in drinking 40-oz. beers taped to our hands advanced journalistic techniques know how easy it is to get an expert in any field on the phone (Step 1: Google topic; Step 2: call expert on the phone, leave message; Step 3: promise dork any title he or she makes up). This is not so much the case for our esteemed colleagues at The Enquirer, whose idea of investigating the merit of proposed bus rapid transit lines involves asking a collection of random bus riders what they think of the idea. Nevertheless, the idea exists in the form of a motion currently pending in City Council's Livable Communities Committee that would mimic light rail by creating bus-only lanes, stopping less frequently and requiring fares to be paid off-board. The Enquirer attempted to learn what will happen if the measure is approved by Council but no one on the No. 18 to Mt. Airy knew the answer.

MONDAY JAN. 3

Sometimes making investments just isn't worth it — what's so great about having energy efficient windows on a home that's just going to be destroyed during the 2012 apocalypse? The Ohio Home Builders Association today offered a similar philosophy regarding the implementation of new energy efficiency standards: $2,500 in additional home cost isn't worth the 20 years it takes to make it up in energy savings. Unfortunately for the OHBA — and people who prefer higher bills and wasting energy — Ohio must adopt stricter standards during the next eight years in order to receive $96 million in energy-related federal stimulus funds. The Ohio chapter of the Sierra Club disputed the OHBA's statistics, estimating that new standards would only raise home cost by $800 and could be made up during the first year by skipping three visits to Olive Garden.

TUESDAY JAN. 4

Concern is quickly growing over the New Year's Eve deaths of red-winged blackbirds, grackles and starlings that fell out of the skies over Beebe, Ark., with the most likely explanations involving biblical end times, secret government weapons testing and aliens mistakenly thinking birds are in charge of Earth because they can fly.�


IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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