Many people laughed when Butler County Sheriff Rick Jones billed the federal government for the cost of detaining and deporting illegal immigrants in his county (this incident was most enjoyed by white people in Hamilton who assumed busy deputies meant less enforcement of their weed dealing). But today those smiles were turned upside down with the reporting of a $100,000 settlement awarded to a Mexican man whose constitutional rights were treaded on when Sheriff’s deputies captured him at a Lebanon construction site in 2007. Court records show that Jones admitted no wrongdoing in settling the case, though he did state that if he had the money back he would invest it in renaming all Cinco de Mayo celebrations “The Fifth of May.”
FRIDAY JUNE 4
We at WWE! get invited to a lot of weddings — we’re known for giving really great speeches that combine biblical references with relevant lyrics from Rap songs (the book of Matthew sounds tight if you add a couple dizzles). A local wedding last Sunday resulted in more than just significantly confused attendees, partly because a homeless man interacted with the bridal party but mostly because City Councilman Jeff Berding used the situation to be his usually douchey self. Berding responded to the arrest of the man — whom the bride described as shaking his change cup in celebration of her 50 percent chance of not getting divorced — by creating new instructions for homeless shelters to officially discourage panhandling. Berding said that homelessness activists shouldn’t be concerned about the loss of income, noting that he's often able to choose between the chicken and ribs at Montgomery Inn without using any words.
WEDNESDAY AUG. 4
If you were asked to write a caption underneath a photo of an old, overly tanned guy swinging a golf club, it would be perfectly reasonable to write something along the lines of “Cialis saved my marriage, but now I never get to golf.” That's not what's printed on a new billboard on I-75 South, as it was purchased by a group called Blue America in reference to the lavish lifestyle Rep. John Boehner leads while also leading the fight against liberals and the devil.
THURSDAY OCT. 28
You don't have to know a lot about Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis to understand that he's a tough man: military background, decades of police experience, willingness to eat a rare steak without access to a private restroom. That's why it's understandable that Hamilton County Republican Chairman Alex Triantafilou has taken his most recent problem with Leis straight to Leis' top staff, stopping short of actually confronting the Sheriff himself. Triantafilou and other local Republicans are frustrated with recent actions by Leis they deem as anti-Republican such as supporting the streetcar and showing a Democratic candidate his crime lab. Triantafilou told reporters he thought the Sheriff was being a sellout but stopped the press conference early when he thought he heard a loud car pulling up.
FRIDAY NOV. 5
It's been two days since Republicans took control via
their mandate-proving majority in one of the three parts of the federal
government, and President Obama still has not admitted he's going to
change the country back to its pre-Pelosi days. Luckily there are
knowledgable public servants like Senate Minority Leader Mitch
McConnell, who today said the White House and congressional Democrats
will need to completely adhere to the vision of government that
misguided white people
2010 voters want or else face staunch opposition from Republicans
4-life. McConnell specifically cited health-care reform as one item
Republicans demand be changed back and then argued that one Republican
is physically stronger than two Democrats.
THURSDAY NOV. 18
Anyone who has followed the city of Cincinnati's budget-making decisions during the past couple of yeas has been privy to an
epic buncha bullshit
extremely difficult process, with all the unions and safety concerns
and political implications involved. That's why it was great to learn
today that a collection of streetcar opponents has taken our collective
displeasure with Cincinnati City Council's general incompetence and
used it for its own gain: to childishly mock the proposed streetcar. A
group of streetcar opponents lead by Citizens Opposed to Additional
Spending and Taxes (COAST) has taken to rewriting children's songs,
replacing pleasant tales of friendship and community with terrifying
scenes of mayhem that ensue after police layoffs. COAST’s Mark Miller
today released a video on Facebook of himself singing to the tune of
the Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood theme, "It’s a dangerous day in this city
’hood/ A dangerous day for a citizen," while changing out of his
wingtips and into Timberland boots.
WEDNESDAY DEC. 8
There are several reasons why people outside the Midwest choose not to move to places like Ohio and Wisconsin (there's actually a handful of reasonable arguments for trying to live alone in the wilderness over these two places). One such reason was on display today when sources reported that the Obama administration is taking $1.2 billion in high-speed rail money away from these states because their new Republican governors said they don't want it. The money instead will go to places like California, Illinois and New York, each of which Ohio Governor-elect John Kasich says only needs trains because they're stupid and built too many tall buildings.
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