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Dec. 15-21: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · December 22nd, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
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WEDNESDAY DEC. 15

Most of us have assumed for a long time that people who vote for Sarah Palin secretly want something bad to happen: significantly increased temperature of Earth; complete eradication of all moose in America; etc. A new poll out today shows Palin as a slight favorite among Ohio Republicans for the party's 2012 presidential nomination, a preference one pollster calls a Republican “death wish.” Palin's 21 percent support is followed by Mike Huckabee at 19 percent, Newt Gingrich at 18 percent and Mitt Romney at 15 percent. Public Policy Polling director Tom Jensen said Ohio is one of several states where primary voters are supporting the candidate who would clearly lose to Barack Obama instead of candidates such as Huckabee or Romney who would have a chance to win depending on how many of the dumb-ass Palin supporters will vote for them.

THURSDAY DEC. 16

It's well documented that incoming governor John Kasich dislikes several things that most progressives enjoy — high-speed trains, free federal funding, mixed-race babies. Kasich today described something else he hates that liberals support: transparent government. Kasich says the theory of transparent government, which was apparently created by the media just to piss him off, forces honest, hardworking business leaders to be subjected to democracy-weakening background checks and socialist insinuations of conflict of interest. Kasich says he finds himself tripping over the anthills when all he wants to do is get to the pyramids and govern them with his golf buddies.

FRIDAY DEC. 17

Those of us whose fathers are accountants understand how stressful tax season can be for tax preparers — violent shouts of “Damn you alternative minimum tax!” can be heard among middle-class families more often than you'd expect. Similar expletives are expected to fly this year, as accountants and payroll staff wait for Congress to finalize the details of the tax-cut bill so the IRS can send out new tax forms, software and withholding tables.

An executive at a payroll firm in Grand Rapids, Mich., told the AP that the wait is a huge headache and he plans to spend the time training for a new profession that he can get paid to do year-round.

SATURDAY DEC. 18

Most people are familiar with the more common economic indicators: Gross Domestic Product, consumer confidence, number of 5-Hour Energy commercials on TV while the sun is up. The AP today reported a lesser known recession-affected statistic: The number of old people driving around the country in RVs. Shipments of RVs to dealers are at their highest level since 2007, when the recession caused most RV owners to resort to cheaper forms of recreation such as going for walks or watching daytime movies. Dealers are largely attributing the upswing to looser credit, stable fuel prices and the recession-proof beauty of the Grand Canyon.

SUNDAY DEC. 19

Those of us whose failures in respected business sectors experience in the journalism profession have resulted mostly in alt-weekly jobs are familiar with working alongside homosexuals (both in print and online). But sometimes we don't even realize that the people writing our articles, selling our ads and delivering our papers are all gay (that's right, every single person who works for CityBeat is gay). That's why we feel compelled to describe what's going to happen when Obama signs the repeal of “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” into law: nothing. The implementation of the law won't go into effect for months, however, as the Obama administration must first certify that the repeal will not damage U.S. troops' ability to fight once the homosexuals are allowed to change the music in their helmets to something from the '80s.

MONDAY DEC. 20

Sometimes it's good to know that bad people are going to get what's coming to them — if you can't trust the Book of Revelation then what's real? That's why a new report by a University of Washington political scientist on the repercussions for Republicans voting against the DREAM Act was welcome news. The analysis suggests that as many as 12 Republicans who voted against the bill, which would have given the children of illegal immigrants a chance at residency instead of a flight back to a country they've never been to, are up for reelection in 2012 in states whose populations are more than 25 percent Latino. Noted anti-DREAM Republicans include Sens. Jon Kyl of Arizona, Kay Bailey Hutchison of Texas and John Ensign of Nevada, each of whom expressed sympathy for the children and a possible interest in helping them closer to the election.

TUESDAY DEC. 21

It's reasonable to take one look at John Boehner and think, “Man, that dude is lying if he says he doesn't use a tanning bed. I'm just not buying it.” A Pulitzer-winning non-partisan fact-checking site today released its “Lie of the Year” in politics, and although it had nothing to do with Boehner's un-organic skin tone it did note that the incoming House Speaker uses this year's biggest lie quite often. The winner is the claim that Obama's health-care law is a “government takeover of health care,” which appears more than 90 times on Boehner's Web site. Several of this year's runners up also populate Boehner's site, including the phrase, “our children's future” and the word “big.”


FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: dcross@citybeat.com




 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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