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Dec. 1-7: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · December 8th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY DEC. 1

There are two common reactions to checking one's bank account and finding a negative number representing the available balance: anger (“What the shit?!?”) and shame (“Should have known that last $40 wouldn't last long at Bonnaroo...). The AP today reported that one national bank whose questionable overdraft policies has cost its customers millions of dollars over the past few years today found in its own account a transaction for "-$9.5 million." Fifth Third Bank agreed to the settlement after customers filed a class-action lawsuit alleging that the bank purposely changes the order of transactions to increase the number of overdraft fees, paying large transactions first and charging fees on multiple small purchases. Fifth Third denied the claims and said people who use their check cards for small purchases deserve something bad to happen to them for making lines take too long.

THURSDAY DEC. 2

Anyone familiar with professional sports knows that there are some pretty terrible-sounding stadium sponsorships out there — how scared do you think the Bengals are to play the Baltimore Ravens when their home field is M&T Bank Stadium (OK, bad example). That's why today's news of state Rep. Dale Mallory's idea to build a new boxing arena as part of the Broadway Commons casino project and name it after a local pizza restaurant seems like a good idea (“We don't take no shit inside Pizza Arena!”). Mallory is seeking federal and state clean energy money to build an arena and boxing museum called the “Buddy LaRosa Sports Arena" after the longtime boxing enthusiast. Mallory said the arena would be equipped with an ecologically friendly pizza-shaped garden on the roof and a windmill outside shaped like an Italian stereotype with four arms.

FRIDAY DEC. 3

It's likely that if you're not from the East Side then you probably reacted to today's news of Sarah Palin appearing at an 11 a.m. book signing at the Harper's Point Kroger by saying, “So what? I was at work.

Also, where the hell is Harper's Point?” It turns out that a lot of people know the answer (and had the day off), as about 200 showed up to see the former Alaska governor sign copies of her new release, America By Heart. Many people camped out overnight to be the first to meet Palin, who said she was enjoying the Alaska-like weather and that she was humbled by the long line of people to meet her even if she has to sign her book in grocery stores instead of book stores because none of her fans can actually read.

SATURDAY DEC. 4

Every football fan knows that when your team is losing by two touchdowns the best thing you can do is get the crowd all riled up so the team hears noise and plays better. If you're the team's official mascot, the expectations are even higher. That's why University of Cincinnati student/guy who dances around in an animal costume Robert Garfield got buck wild when stadium security tried to stop him from throwing snowballs at the crowd during today's football game. University police were forced to detain Garfield after he allegedly shoved an officer, resulting in his giant cat head flying off during the consequent slamming. Garfield, who was charged with disorderly conduct, was last seen on the north side of campus trying to get a freshman student to shave his hair into a mohawk.

SUNDAY DEC. 5

We at WWE! are not ashamed to admit that earlier this year our research into the sexist, racist and homophobic ways of local radio station 700 WLW uncovered something extremely surprising: a radio show that was actually funny and generally harmless. Unfortunately for us — but good for NPR because now we're back listing to boring world news all day — the show was ruined when Clear Channel executives fired Eddie Fingers of the Eddie and Tracy Show, replacing him with the hugest bastard they had on staff next to Bill Cunningham morning show host Scott Sloan. Enquirer media reporter John Kiesewetter today suggested that such moves are responsible for the station's 25 percent ratings drop from October to November, though he also noted that it's likely many of 700's listeners spent the month listening to the new Toby Keith album and will return to the station once they realize it's fucking stupid.

MONDAY DEC. 6

Most humans at some point in their lives are faced with a common, unsolvable dilemma: Maybe you want your lawn to be trimmed but it's hot outside or you'd like to be skinnier but refuse to stop eating cupcakes. That's basically the position that Republicans have been in while arguing that Bush-era tax cuts should be extended for rich people while demanding that the government shrink the deficit at the same time. Outgoing Republican Sen. George Voinovich today performed the equivalent of cutting the grass with his shirt off while super-ripped from dieting when he said he opposes the extension of the tax cuts, as he did in 2003 and when they were first introduced in 2000. Voinovich says if the cuts are extended that lawmakers will continue kicking it down the road until there are no more taxes and Republicans have nothing left to blame on Democrats.

TUESDAY DEC. 7

The Enquirer reported today that Cincinnati's Historic Conservation Board has denied an application for demolition of the endangered James N. Gamble house, citing Westwood's dearth of art and culture as reason to move forward with a lengthy, expensive taxpayer-funded renovation.


IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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