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Nov. 24-30: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · December 1st, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY NOV. 24

For some of us, a song titled “I Love This Bar” would presumably include a detailed account of fellow patrons wearing shoes that match their scarves and how cool the door guy is for never kicking us out (hey, it's their gin that makes us act unruly). For Country music singer Toby Keith the perfect bar is more like a beer commercial where the men are totally not gay even though the only women there are bartenders who hate them. The Enquirer reported today that Keith's utopian bar concept has not only spawned the creation of a chain restaurant of its name, but a Cincinnati chapter will be The Banks' anchor tenant. The story, which connected a local real estate agent to other Keith restaurants and used the word “legend” a little too liberally, also described a full-service guitar-shaped bar and an interactive display where drunk people can throw empty bottles at a map of the Middle East.

THURSDAY NOV. 25

The original agreement between Hamilton County and the Cincinnati Bengals football team to build a new stadium was foolproof: Raise the sales tax but give homeowners back their costs so only poor people pay for it because they never come down to the game to drink $9 beers. (Everyone has to pay their fair share or else it's socialism.) The Enquirer today reported that a new proposal to bail out the underfunded stadium fund includes a revocation of the property tax rollback and a tax on tickets to the games, part of which has been declared total horseshit by the Bengals. Bengals Vice President Troy Blackburn today wrote a letter to county commissioners saying the team would not agree to raise ticket prices and argued that it was particularly unfair for them to consider the request while the Bengals were out of town getting their asses handed to them by the New York Jets.

FRIDAY NOV. 26

Black Friday specials started early this Thanksgiving, with some retailers offering their dark deals as early as 10 p.m.

the day prior. Toys 'R' Us was one such business, reportedly luring at least 15 people to a local store on Thursday with the offer of a $79.99 laptop originally priced at $129.99 (you can get it for $49.99 in January if you want to ruin your family's Christmas). The Enquirer checked in today with accounts of several local normal people who also interrupted their holidays with overnight trips into retail bedlam, including midnight stops at Old Navy or WalMart, 3 a.m. jaunts through Kohl's and stops at Target or Macy's at 4 a.m., just early enough to avoid all the assholes.

SATURDAY NOV. 27

Most people are familiar with the old cliché of the unappreciated Christmas sweater kids receive every year from grandma, pretend to like and then use as an undershirt during a single football game and then throw away. The AP reported today that some of this year's biggest fashion trends are grandma-proof, as increases in communication speed among demographics is allowing trends to infiltrate men's, women's and teen markets much quicker. Nina Garcia, fashion director at Marie Claire, said trends from celebrities and runways are being generalized quickly and that her brand is prepared to open an all-plaid store for a month if Lady Gaga would wear the new hat they made for her.

SUNDAY NOV. 28

It's 9 p.m. on Sunday, Nov. 28: Do you know where your rifle is? If you don't then it's time to mount up because Ohio's nine-day deer hunting season runs Monday through Saturday and after that you only have two more days this year to shoot one of those bastards. The AP today checked in with an estimation of 125,000 dead white-tailed deer by the end of the first killing session, which will be terminated by about 420,000 hunters, several of whom will come from out of state to get their deer head for the wall. Officials estimate hunting to be worth $859 million to Ohio's economy, mostly through sales of equipment, fuel, lodging and Toby Keith CDs.

MONDAY NOV. 29

It was a tough weekend for President Barack Obama — first he gets busted in his grill hoopin' it up, then he has to come to work on Monday and find out a whistle-blowing Web site made his country look real dumb to the rest of the world. The release of more than 250,000 classified State Department documents today forced the Obama administration into damage control, as the secret memos described serious concerns about Iran's nuclear ambitions and included several childish remarks about America's enemies and allies. The disclosures are expected to harm relations among allies who now believe the U.S. can't be trusted, although Secretary of State Hillary Clinton noted that she has a ton of good secrets from the '90s she has still never told.

TUESDAY NOV. 30

We all know that the liberals over at NPR have very little to do — how else do you explain its most popular show being all about what normal people in America do on a daily basis? That's why it wasn't surprising to learn of an NPR report of a new addition to the liberal lifestyle: beer made for dogs (warm fire, comfy robe, beer for dog). The new dog beer is non-alcoholic and is only recommended in small doses unless your dog is from a rural area or there's a sports game on TV.


E-MAIL THIS STUPID JOURNALIST: dcross@citybeat.com



 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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