Local "food" producer JTM today announced the introduction of two new products to its enthralling, mysterious line of meat products that people as locally renowned as Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo have sung songs about. After a process that's probably a lot like when you would use different shaped caps to squeeze out Play Doh and add in some filler, JTM now has a reduced fat macaroni and cheese dish and breakfast burritos that people who don't like cooking can purchase in large quantities and eat too many of.
The announcement comes after JTM during the summer asked baseball fans "how they 32,” which the company hoped would spawn user videos of people chillin' and grillin'. Unfortunately, the majority of user submissions described the humiliation of having to buy larger-sized clothing and having their doctors tell them they're fat when they already knew they were.
THURSDAY NOV. 11
Journalism is so bad these days you can't tell a threat from a promise. John Boehner, the orange-hued man who'll soon be second in line to be president, wants to let citizens know that once he's house speaker he plans to fly commercial during trips between Washington, D.C., and Ohio to save the country some cash. Liberals, aware of their defeat in recent elections and stuff, are now proposing what they call the "Kevin Smith Rule,” in which Boehner will be required to purchase two seats on each plane trip he takes in an attempt to slow down his single-handed solving of America's massive deficit problem.
Reports out of California also described a "D.B. Cooper Rule" where fellow passengers can jump out of the plane mid-flight if Boehner gets all red and riled over President Obama and starts pounding on the seat tray in front of him.
FRIDAY NOV. 12
A model streetcar on display for six days at Fountain Square downtown cost taxpayers $5,000, while a couple hundred dollars in overtime was worked by Cincinnati Police officers.
Fraternal Order of Police President Kathy Harrell said Mayor Mark Mallory was dumb because officers got pulled off neighborhood beats to stand watch around the car and make sure it wasn't damaged while thousands of people checked it out. Harrell was also said to be sneakily suspicious that homeless people would rush it, use their pooled knowledge and turn it into some kind of time traveling machine.
SATURDAY NOV. 13
Cadillac Ranch was sued today, but not for the reasons you might expect (charging a lot and playing music you'd hear in a cruise ship club). Legal action instead was taken by an Alaskan lawyer named Tom Silberman, who proved to be neither a good mechanical bull rider nor an agile drunk.
The bar, which usually requires participants to sign a waiver and get ogled by dozens of Affliction-shirt-wearing old guys desperately hoping to see some underwear and maybe get a cell phone pic of said underwear, failed to ask the lawyer to sign one. What was even worse is that he busted his mouth up and claimed "mental anguish" while seeking more than $25,000 in damages. Silberman's suit alleges he "did not have the opportunity to avoid this accident." If Silberman wins, expect parents of many underachieving kids to use this line of reasoning in future lawsuits.
SUNDAY NOV. 14
Lovers of Four Loko and other caffeinated alcohol concoctions that make you not remember things from the night before and wake up feeling awful might want to stock up. The F.D.A. is expected to soon announce its position on black-out-in-a-can drinks, which probably means they aren't going to make it so legal to package and sell these
legitimately dangerous increasingly delicious beverages. To prepare for the day when this tasty combination of uppers, downers, laughers and screamers is taken off the market, we advise that readers put a bunch in a cool, safe place for the inevitable moment this year when Jordan Palmer takes over as the Bengals' quarterback.
MONDAY NOV. 15
Either someone watched GoodFellas and was mesmerized by the Lufthansa heist or some Canadian truck driver hauling several million dollars worth of stuff that was stolen from a rest stop in Florence, Ky., today has one hell of an alibi. The stolen truck was left unattended with the keys in it for about 15 minutes, according to reports, and when the driver returned the truck full of what was obviously pain pills and all types of ill shit was gone. Whoever is now, as Christopher Wallace once said, "holding more drugs than a pharmacy" remains hopeful that since the driver was from Quebec he'd do a really solid mime routine during his interrogation.
TUESDAY NOV. 16
While denying the rumor that he would become President Obama's chief of staff, former Secretary of State Colin Powell today called midterm election results a "body blow" to Obama. Powell later stated that looking back on waterboarding, "I think, subsequently, as you kind of go down the years and take a look at what has happened over the years, I think it could now be called torture." Powell went on to state that with the benefit of hindsight a banana split could be called a dessert and that a baseball is round.
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