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Blunts, Jobs and Guns

By Mike Breen · November 17th, 2010 · Minimum Gauge

[HOT]

Blunt Objects (Allegedly)

When we hear the soothing, romantic Pop songs of British singer James “You’re Beautiful” Blunt, a one-man Air Supply for the new millennium, we feel all kinds of things: rage, cynicism, shame, the vomit making its way up our throats. Turns out we should all be feeling the same kind of swelling pride and gratitude we feel when we hear Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” because, according to Blunt, he helped stave off the start of World War III.

A British army soldier who fought in Kosovo in the late ’90s, the scrawny singer says he led troops to an airfield they were supposed to seize, only to be met by 200 Russian soldiers pointing guns at them. Blunt says he refused orders, not because he’s the huge pussy his music suggests but because he felt it was morally wrong and would start a major conflict with Russia. He avoided punishment because a general said he didn’t want his troops to “be responsible for starting World War III.”

James Blunt is: a) a true warrior and hero; b) on more drugs than Amy Winehouse; or c) on a PR campaign to “macho up” his wimpy image, which makes Josh Groban look like a member of Slipknot in comparison.

[WARM]

21st Century Fab

On Nov.

15, the Internet was full of speculation about a “cryptic” message on the Apple site that simply said, “Tomorrow is just another day. That you’ll never forget.” Everyone’s assumption was exactly the same: After stubbornly refusing for years, The Beatles’ music will finally be allowed on iTunes. And, indeed, fans could hit iTunes the next morning and purchase all of the band’s albums.

The holdout was reportedly due to many factors, including a lawsuit filed on the band’s behalf over the computer company’s name (fearing people would confuse the tech heavyweights with The Beatles’ Apple Corps Ltd. umbrella business banner). But it sure seemed to be about how many more millions of dollars the move would generate, with The Beatles’ camp reportedly concerned about illegal file-sharing and the low price of tracks (Beatles cuts are $1.29 each, 30 cents more than the usual iTunes download).

Apple did what they could to increase the buzz to “iPad unveiling” levels, making it out to be a historic event — as if we’ll all remember where we were when we first heard we could buy “Revolution 9” on a computer like 98 percent of the rest of the music in the world. But, after waiting so long for the band’s reps to enter the 21st century, the response seemed more like a collective, “Meh.”

[COLD]

Guns Reloading?

With the ridiculous amount of time Axl Rose spent making Guns ’N Roses’ big “comeback” album, Chinese Democracy, it’s hard not to laugh when reports surface that The Boy Who Cried Imminent Legendary Rock Album has begun writing Democracy’s follow-up. The band’s 1,429th guitarist, DJ Ashba, reportedly told a reporter things are moving on the record and “it won’t take as long.” And then he was fired and replaced by a 12-year-old Guitar Hero video-game master.

The good news: Despite the last album’s relative failure (and suckiness), Axl seems motivated and perhaps still has an amazing album in him somewhere. The bad news: We’ll all be dead by the time it’s released.


 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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