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Oct. 27-Nov. 2: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · November 3rd, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY OCT. 27

We liberals like to believe that we're fully aware of our motivations — every purchase of free-trade coffee is a step in the right direction, every advanced degree a checkmark in the “My Dad Was Wrong About Art School” category. The AP reported today that new research suggests the satisfaction we receive from such successes might actually be due as much to genetic predisposition as our advanced social understanding. The study found that political ideology is shaped by two factors: an active social life during adolescence and the presence of a dopamine receptor gene called DRD4. The story was accompanied by a photo of a young white man standing in front of a coffee shop, which set off most readers' DRD4 receptor and made them hungry for Mediterranean food.

THURSDAY OCT. 28 

You don't have to know a lot about Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis to understand that he's a tough man: military background, decades of police experience, willingness to eat a rare steak without access to a private restroom. That's why it's understandable that Hamilton County Republican Chairman Alex Triantafilou has taken his most recent problem with Leis straight to Leis' top staff, stopping short of actually confronting the Sheriff himself.

Triantafilou and other local Republicans are frustrated with recent actions by Leis they deem as anti-Republican such as supporting the streetcar and showing a Democratic candidate his crime lab. Triantafilou told reporters he thought the Sheriff was being a sellout but stopped the press conference early when he thought he heard a loud car pulling up.

FRIDAY OCT. 29

Anyone who's ever been sent to the principal's office during high school has witnessed the ridiculous transformation of once-cool gym teacher into righteous D-bag.

But today's story of a local principal being suspended for two weeks is not the story of redemption that all truants seek, it's actually an investigation into a public school busing students to the Board of Elections and providing only Democratic sample ballots for reference. Hughes principal Virginia Rhodes has denied any wrongdoing but said she looks forward to sitting at home for two weeks eating candy and playing Nintendo.

SATURDAY OCT. 30

There are many people in society who don't formally participate in the democratic process by, say, actually voting, but that doesn't mean they're not standing around pool tables somewhere in Colerain affecting other people's views by repeating things about big government they heard on TV. The Enquirer reported today that when it comes to deciding what revenues City Council can use for streetcar funding, Councilman Chris Bortz is just one of the guys in the room who thinks the streetcar is awesome but doesn't actually cast a vote for funding because his family owns mass property along the proposed route. A local lawyer last week declared horseshit on Bortz's continued indirect involvement, suggesting that the Ohio Ethics Commission remove Bortz from office and ban him from hanging out at Coffee Emporium with all the urban people.

SUNDAY OCT. 31

American universities year after year are forced to admit that their athletic coaches break many rules in order to win games so their fans can yell “Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!” at people from other cities. The University of Iowa basketball team today went through this time-honored process, only instead of describing awesome stripper parties and fat cash gifts to recruits it detailed an afternoon last month when two high school recruits got to meet celebrities Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. Such contact with celebrities is considered to represent a school's athletic interests and is prohibited by the NCAA, though one of the players reportedly chose to attend a local junior college because its graduates suck less than Iowa's. 

MONDAY NOV. 1

Those of us who always generally have more than one or two drinks when writing our weekly articles were concerned today to hear one researcher's idea for lessening the societal impact of alcohol: raising the price so poor people can't get as much (what did we do?). The idea was only broached after researchers in England determined that alcohol is actually more dangerous than heroine and crack cocaine based on comparative levels of addictiveness, how they each harm the human body and economic costs to society. The study was paid for by the British Centre for Crime and Justice Studies, an arm of the government that based on its conclusion has never observed how much poor people are willing to spend on beer at American football games.

TUESDAY NOV. 2

When man decides to rebuild a massive statue of the Lord and Savior that might or might not have been struck down by the wrath of God himself, only the most noted artist will do. That's why Solid Rock Church in Monroe has commissioned local artist Tom Tsuchiya to design a new Jesus statue to replace the one that looked like a stoner at Woodstock who just lost his Hacky Sack, which was struck by lightning and burned to the ground last June. Tsuchiya promised that the new 62-foot statue of Jesus with his arms outstretched will look less like an NFL wide receiver catching an over-the-shoulder pass and more like a coach arguing with a referee.


E-MAIL APPROPRIATE THINGS TO: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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