We liberals like to believe that we're fully aware of our
motivations — every purchase of free-trade coffee is a step in the
right direction, every advanced degree a checkmark in the “My Dad Was
Wrong About Art School” category. The AP reported today that new
research suggests the satisfaction we receive from such successes might
actually be due as much to genetic predisposition as our advanced
social understanding. The study found that political ideology is shaped
by two factors: an active social life during adolescence and the
presence of a dopamine receptor gene called DRD4. The story was
accompanied by a photo of a young white man standing in front of a
coffee shop, which set off most readers' DRD4 receptor and made them
hungry for Mediterranean food.
THURSDAY OCT. 28
You don't have to know a lot about Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis to understand that he's a tough man: military background, decades of police experience, willingness to eat a rare steak without access to a private restroom. That's why it's understandable that Hamilton County Republican Chairman Alex Triantafilou has taken his most recent problem with Leis straight to Leis' top staff, stopping short of actually confronting the Sheriff himself.
Triantafilou and other local Republicans are frustrated with
recent actions by Leis they deem as anti-Republican such as supporting
the streetcar and showing a Democratic candidate his crime lab.
Triantafilou told reporters he thought the Sheriff was being a sellout
but stopped the press conference early when he thought he heard a loud
car pulling up.
FRIDAY OCT. 29
Anyone who's ever been sent to the principal's office
during high school has witnessed the ridiculous transformation of
once-cool gym teacher into righteous D-bag.
SATURDAY OCT. 30
There are many people in society who don't formally
participate in the democratic process by, say, actually voting, but
that doesn't mean they're not standing around pool tables somewhere in
Colerain affecting other people's views by repeating things about big
government they heard on TV. The Enquirer reported today that
when it comes to deciding what revenues City Council can use for
streetcar funding, Councilman Chris Bortz is just one of the guys in
the room who thinks the streetcar is awesome but doesn't actually cast
a vote for funding because his family owns mass property along the
proposed route. A local lawyer last week declared horseshit on Bortz's
continued indirect involvement, suggesting that the Ohio Ethics
Commission remove Bortz from office and ban him from hanging out at
Coffee Emporium with all the urban people.
SUNDAY OCT. 31
American universities year after year are forced to admit
that their athletic coaches break many rules in order to win games so
their fans can yell “Whoot! Whoot! Whoot!” at people from other cities.
The University of Iowa basketball team today went through this
time-honored process, only instead of describing awesome stripper
parties and fat cash gifts to recruits it detailed an afternoon last
month when two high school recruits got to meet celebrities Ashton
Kutcher and Demi Moore. Such contact with celebrities is considered to
represent a school's athletic interests and is prohibited by the NCAA,
though one of the players reportedly chose to attend a local junior
college because its graduates suck less than Iowa's.
MONDAY NOV. 1
Those of us who
have more than one or two drinks when writing our weekly articles were
concerned today to hear one researcher's idea for lessening the
societal impact of alcohol: raising the price so poor people can't get
as much (what did we do?). The idea was only broached after researchers
in England determined that alcohol is actually more dangerous than
heroine and crack cocaine based on comparative levels of addictiveness,
how they each harm the human body and economic costs to society. The
study was paid for by the British Centre for Crime and Justice Studies,
an arm of the government that based on its conclusion has never
observed how much poor people are willing to spend on beer at American
TUESDAY NOV. 2
When man decides to rebuild a massive statue of the Lord and Savior that might or might not have been struck down by the wrath of God himself, only the most noted artist will do. That's why Solid Rock Church in Monroe has commissioned local artist Tom Tsuchiya to design a new Jesus statue to replace the one that looked like a stoner at Woodstock who just lost his Hacky Sack, which was struck by lightning and burned to the ground last June. Tsuchiya promised that the new 62-foot statue of Jesus with his arms outstretched will look less like an NFL wide receiver catching an over-the-shoulder pass and more like a coach arguing with a referee.
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