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Oct. 20-26: Worst Week Ever!

By isaac Thorn · October 27th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY OCT. 20

U.S. District Judge Karl F. Forester today issued an order allowing the Bureau of Prisons to review and reject inmate Jonathan Lee Riches' legal mail. While incarcerated at a Lexington federal prison, Riches has filed more than 5,000 lawsuits and taken to calling himself "Lawsuit Zeus." The Bureau of Prisons feels that this is unnecessary because some of the people sued are famous and/or deceased. When some of the targets of Lawsuit Zeus were revealed to the public, those expecting crazy, off-the-wall names were sorely disappointed. Some of the folks sued include Bill Belichick, George W. Bush, Michael Vick and Somali pirates, a collection of individuals that most levelheaded Americans have at least thought about suing for being liars, cheats and thieves.

THURSDAY OCT. 21

Anderson Township residents think it's totes ridic that haulers from Forest Green Waste Service have been picking their trash up as early as 4 a.m. Company owner Wendell Shelton explained that his workers "aim to get on the streets as early as possible and get off as soon as possible to miss both rush hours." Residents are said to be pondering throwing all their garbage just outside of the township limits and leaving it there so that people from poorer surrounding areas can come pick through it because it's probably nicer than the stuff they have in their apartments.

FRIDAY OCT. 22

Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.) thinks the best way to exact revenge from the mean liberals who run NPR is to cut public funding to it. DeMint today stated, "Once again we find the only free speech liberals support is the speech with which they agree." The comment was in response to NPR firing news analyst Juan Williams after he went on Fox News and said some really stupid things about how when he sees Muslims on planes he thinks they are terrorists.

DeMint wants to cut all funding for public television, probably because he didn't like the end of Ken Burns' Civil War documentary on PBS. DeMint added that this would already have been taken care of if he knew how to get in touch with the room of 12 Jews in Geneva that control the media.

SATURDAY OCT. 23

People who ride the Metro were happy to learn today that SORTA has announced it will not raise the fares anytime soon. SORTA spokeswoman Sally Hilvers wants people to know that just because ridership is down and budget cuts loom doesn't mean they are entertaining a fare hike or cutting routes. Hilvers went on to say that, "Passengers will still be able to listen to lots of other passengers' cell phone ring tones and remain welcome to leave as many wrappers and other kinds of garbage on the bus when they get off."

SUNDAY OCT. 24

Are you too poor because stupid liberals and their foreigner president ruined your country? Can't afford to take the little ones out to one of them haunted houses for Halloween? Jean Schmidt knows that many people are in exactly that situation, so today she invited people to come to her farm and mingle with Republicans at a free weenie roast. Lawyer Liz Cheney was expected to be in attendance. Rumors remain unconfirmed that when the children were taken on a hay ride in the dark autumn night Cheney's father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, jumped out from behind a tree with a flashlight pointed toward his face and scared the shit out of everyone.

MONDAY OCT. 25

Rhode Island's Democratic candidate for governor, Frank T. Caprio, today told President Barack Obama to "shove it" after learning that Obama would not be endorsing him. Obama will instead support the Independent candidate, Lincoln Chafee, who endorsed Obama when he ran for president in 2008. Caprio has planned a subsequent press conference to address the misconception that Rhode Island is so small that if you are sneezing while you drive by you will miss it, and that the state is not shown on maps of the United States. A spokesman for Caprio played down the comments, suggesting that the media's stereotypical inclinations led to people thinking the candidate's remarks were made out of anger and that they were actually been made in a tone of positive suggestion rather than the one used by enforcers in The Sopranos.

TUESDAY OCT. 26

The losers who regularly write this column resist the urge to make jest of the same person or thing more than once per edition, but Jean Schmidt's tactful mentioning of abortion to Catholic school students (some as young as 6) overturned this policy like some eagle-eyed NFL replay judge. The school where this took place has asked to remain unnamed, but it did have to hastily send letters to the homes of the toddlers present for Schmidt's well-timed speech. Parents opening the letters expecting to read about some stupid fundraiser or field trip were instead made aware that "unexpectedly towards the end of her address, Congresswoman Schmidt brought up the topic of abortion" and that "your children may come home with questions, especially if this is a topic that has not been broached in your home." The part chastising parents who have not yet gotten around to telling 6-year-olds about abortion was edited out of the letter.


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