WEDNESDAY OCT. 6
The Cincinnati Reds today ended their 15-year hiatus from the playoffs by getting no-hit by a man who skirted NAFTA regulations and got traded from the Toronto Blue Jays to the Philadelphia Phillies last offseason. Keeping alive the longstanding tradition of Cincinnati's sports fans being football kicker Charlie Brown and Cincinnati's teams playing the role of Lucy the holder, the Reds today took their first step toward ending their brief playoff cameo. On a brighter note, Cincinnati.com commenters now can probably come up with more reasons to hate Dusty Baker other than the facts that he is a) black and b) not Pete Rose.
THURSDAY OCT. 7
Members of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity at Miami University today announced that they will complete a 40-mile Freedom Walk Oct. 15-16 to support the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center. According to the fraternity's President Donovan Potter, the walk was designed to raise money "to support the Freedom Center's education of the historic and continuing struggles for freedom around the world." While it would be cynical to say so, we at WWE! believe that this walk was spawned by the likelihood that no private transit service would accept a gig from Miami U. frat, and that another fraternity challenged Kappa Alpha Psi to go to the Freedom Center and not try to take a poo in a slave cabin.
FRIDAY OCT. 8
Police Chief Tom Streicher has notified his officers in a good old-fashioned memo that they should be on the lookout for distracted drivers who might be texting. A ban on texting while driving has been passed, and now, after being briefed on what exactly text messaging is, Streicher wants it to be enforced. The briefing reportedly got Streicher even more mad about the issue, prompting him to drum up support for he and Simon Leis to get jet skis, laser guns and "cool infa-red-type stuff" to wipe the vermin who engage in this practice off the face of the earth.
Councilman Chris Bortz, who pushed for the Cincinnati ban, acknowledged that he used to text while he drove but said he stopped after he nearly got into an accident on Columbia Parkway while doing so. Bortz said he now has his chauffeur drive his baller car so he can "sext, text or do whatever the hell" he wants to.
SATURDAY OCT. 9
Presumably after sitting on his ratty, worn couch for a few hours drinking poor people beer and watching one of those shows on TV about "beef" (but not the kind for eating), House Minority Leader John Boehner started mad drama in the club today by telling a bunch of white people who work in West Chester that, "Your government is disrespecting you, your family, your job, your children.'' He then got all John Everyman on them by rhetorically yelling, "Do you have to accept it? Hell no you don't!" Boehner reportedly yelled some more, but we didn't feel like reading any more of the text from his Sgt. Slaughter-like speech. Soon enough, if Boehner has his way, all the people who don't have sweet health insurance like him will be dead and unable to disrespect his contingents, their families, their jobs and their children.
SUNDAY OCT. 10
Our foreign-born terrorist president's thinly-veiled Satanic agenda is apparently going very well, as progressive liberals and their college educations have homo-fied this country to the point where an Ohio Republican Senatorial candidate with a weird last name can't dress up in Nazi uniforms without being lambasted for it. Richard Iott was all like, "No way, bros, I dress up in the garb of genocidal mass murderers cuz I'm down with military history, not because I admire the tactical nuances of the German Waffen or don't want to firmly denounce Nazism and ethnic cleansing." Iott then promised to dig through his attic until he found VHS tapes of him and his boys doing Civil War reenactments where he was a Confederate general. "Once the public hears the audio on them tapes they'll see that we all called 'em "coloreds" instead of the other words we know for 'em. So it's cool, and I'm not racist."
MONDAY OCT. 11
Butler County Sheriff Rick Jones today found 268 pounds of weed that was probably pretty good and would have driven the local cost down for a few weeks inside a granite-topped wood bar that was shipped to a Fairfield Township warehouse over the weekend. Jones declined to comment when asked if anyone had ever found booze hidden inside weed, but the answer is probably “no” because that perception-altering substance is taxed, legal and advertised during sports games and whatnot. Jones concluded his press conference by noting that he still doesn't like illegal immigrants and that he "doesn't see how they can eat all that spicy shit."
TUESDAY OCT. 12
Although the media loves when Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre throws four touchdowns against the shitty-ass Oakland Raiders after his dad dies, apparently they draw the line at naked bootlegging pictures of your dong to chicks who never asked for them. New York Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger reportedly received images from Favre's phone during the 2008 season when Favre shit the bed as QB of the Gang Green. Favre's explanation is said to center around the assertion that he had to prove to her that it was at least "as big as the Viking horn" on the helmet of the team he now throws a lot of interceptions for.
E-MAIL YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO: email@example.com