Just one day after winning the NL Central Division for the first time in 15 years, Reds manager Dusty Baker set about doing the many things managers do to prepare for postseason play — determining a pitching rotation, deciding final roster spots and clearing Bronson Arroyo's schedule of all Creed tribute shows. The Enquirer today reported a late addition to Baker's To Do list: figuring out what to do with the players who smoked victory cigars in the clubhouse in clear violation of Ohio's smoking ban. Five people reportedly called the state's complaint hotline to describe several Reds on TV puffing away while dumping 24-ounce cans of beer on each other's heads. One source close to the situation says at least one complaint came from a nonsmoking Reds player who was too afraid to tell Johnny Cueto to put his cigar out for fear of getting kicked in the head.
THURSDAY SEPT. 30
Anyone who's ever flown from one coast to the other knows that the first thing you need after spending five hours on an airplane is a nice, stiff drink. (Layover in Charlotte? Go ahead and spring for the $13 double.) NPR today reported that a group of Australian brewers is working on a post-flight beverage for what would presumably be an even worse flight: one into outer space. The main challenge to creating a beverage that can get you wasted 200,000 miles from the Earth is the fact that there's no carbonation in a zero-gravity environment. To avoid such a buzzkill, brewers plan to make their space beer an extra-strong porter. The new beer will be tested next month on a plane flying in long parabolic arcs that can continue to simulate weightlessness no matter how many people barf.
FRIDAY OCT. 1
There are times when Cincinnati Enquirer editors write headlines that are purposely misleading — last week's “Nick Lachey and girlfriend keep it really clean” was funny because the story was actually about how often they take showers together and probably have sex.
only favorite daily newspaper today busted out a similarly misleading hed: “Casino to pay for streetcars,” which allowed for two responses: 1) Dang, what a great idea!; and 2) Goddam Democrats stole my wallet! A simple point-and-click, however, revealed that the story was actually about how a fraction of the casino revenues will pay for only part of the streetcar's operating costs and how Mark Mallory tricked Councilwoman Laure Quinlivan into supporting it by promising funding for public sculptures that are all going to be of him with his shirt off.
SATURDAY OCT. 2
There are certain professions in which employees know they have very little bargaining power — if you were to swing by 811 Race Street during a weekday, for instance, it's highly unlikely you'd see any journalists outside holding signs, just a handful appreciating the fact that they can still afford cigarettes. The Enquirer reported today that professionals in an industry even less attractive than the liberal media today voted against unionizing their collection of slaughterhouse workers in the West End, instead voting 38-9 to represent themselves when it comes time to determine who chopped off the cow's butt correctly and who needs more training before getting bumped up to the pig face station.
SUNDAY OCT. 3
It's an established fact that we at WWE! have never been sued, not even by the PBS spokesperson who in 2008 was mistakenly quoted as saying, "How the fuck are we supposed to pay Big Bird?" (We did have to run a retraction on that one.) That doesn't mean we take the re-reporting of the details of a local slander lawsuit lightly, especially when it involves an extremely litigious Republican who shaves his head. The dispute allegedly involves controversial Web site publisher Jim Schifrin possibly reporting false information about lawyer/radio host Eric Deters potentially having a sexual relationship with Nicole Howell, a woman he represented who was most certainly acquitted of allegations that she had sex with a 16-year-old student and is now truthfully employed as Deters' assistant. The reported information in question is whether or not Deters gave Howell a “promise ring,” which is extremely lame whether true or false.
MONDAY OCT. 4
Most people don't remember the dude from high school who drove a Volkswagen. Why would you? He's probably right now sleeping in someone's front yard adjacent to the site of his most recent driving accident. The AP reported today that the new leader of the German automaker will soon enter discussions with NASCAR about entering one of its dangerous little cars into a race. The company is considering teaming up with Roger Penske, whose No. 1 driver Kurt Busch said the only thing he knows about VW is that his buddy rebuilt one back in '79 and it looked real dumb.
TUESDAY OCT. 5
Double-dipping is one of the grossest things any party attendee can do, right up there with not washing your hands or puking somewhere other than the bathroom. Hamilton County Auditor Dusty Rhodes today continued his lengthy explanation of why he was recently caught with a half-bitten retirement chip fully emerged in the county's pension dip. Rhodes, a longtime critic of drawing both a paycheck and a pension once public servants meet retirement age, explained that his February filing of the necessary paperwork was only a formality and the plan all along was to donate the entire pension to charity if reelected. Rhodes said the only person who knew of the plan was his wife, who actually wants him to lose the election so he can use the pension on a trip to Mexico.
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