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Sept. 8-14: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · September 14th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!

WEDNESDAY SEPT. 8

Consider the following hypothetical situation: You're taking a leisurely drive down Columbia Parkway, enjoying the wide lanes and beautiful river views. Maybe you're listening to a favorite musician or chatting nonchalantly about current events when, out of nowhere, a man who looks like he's asleep swerves left of center and nearly kills you. Scary, right?

City Councilman Chris Bortz today admitted to recently playing the part of the guy looking at a cellphone while driving during a similar incident, which is why he supports a new ban on texting while driving. The ban, which goes into effect 30 days after approved by the full council, includes writing or reading text messages and accessing the Internet but does not restrict the use of cell phones for speaking, though Bortz warned that one time his call waiting distracted him and he almost hit a deer.

THURSDAY SEPT. 9

Most young men will tell you that at the end of a nice date with a woman it feels good to pull out the Gold Card, leave a big tip and assume you've impressed her accordingly. But for every young lady who cares enough to calculate your tip percentage in her head, there are many who actually don't care at all because they have more money than you. The Enquirer today detailed a new report that found young, single women in America's largest cities to out-earn their male counterparts by 8 percent, largely due to more girls going to college than boys, girls finishing college more often than boys and girls outdoing boys in several other effort-based criteria. The shift is most common in cities with a large variety of jobs and baseball teams that play a disproportionate amount of day games.

FRIDAY SEPT. 10

It's no secret that people in Europe are way backward. Socialized healthcare? Yeah, right. Bans on the death penalty? Get real.

That's why today's BBC report detailing scientific studies on male dance moves wasn't surprising to people in the States, who have proven via the Twist, Cabbage Patch and Humpty Dance to be excellent dancers. The study, by evolutionary psychologists at Northumbria University, U.K., found that a male's good dance moves are indicative of good health and reproductive potential, specifically those whose twisting, bending and nodding make their the torso, neck and head look nice. Researchers didn't have enough data to examine any dance moves specifically, though one psychologist suggested that taking your shirt off and swinging it around the head like a helicopter is evidence of advanced evolution.

SATURDAY SEPT. 11

The Cincinnati Reds today honored Hit King Pete Rose on the 25th anniversary of his record-breaking 4,192nd hit, only the second time Rose has participated in an on-field activity here since his lifetime banishment in 1989 for betting on baseball. Rose afterwards attended a roast in his honor, during which he gave an emotional speech and was subsequently reinstated to Major League Baseball.

SUNDAY SEPT. 12

It's easy to look at this year's race for the third seat on Hamilton County Commission as a Republican who wants to keep a tax break for rich people versus a Democrat who doesn't. But we at WWE! aren't in the business of re-reporting cliches about simply who is full of shit and who isn't a Republican and who is a Democrat, so we've decided to describe this particular 2010 race in terms of something just as important: who has the biggest head. It's Chris Monzel, whose New Era Reds cap size is an impressive 7 3/4, versus Jim Tarbell, whose extra-large top hat measures 24 5/8 inches. The winner will tilt the Commission's balance of power in whichever way he turns his giant head.

MONDAY SEPT. 13

If you're a longtime user of social networking Web site Facebook, you already know how weird it can be when, two years in, a bunch of people from high school start sending friend requests. (If you're new to Facebook, then welcome; your kids are cute.) The Enquirer reported today that for those already enjoying the site there exists a new threat to Internet normalcy: old people.

According to a new study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, Internet use by people older than 50 has risen from 22 percent to 42 percent during the last year, with 26 percent of those 65 and older accessing social networking sites. The findings are similar to a June report from AARP that described 62 percent of its members connected via Facebook to their children, 36 percent to their grandchildren and another 25 mildly obsessed with FarmVille.

TUESDAY SEPT. 14

You're driving home from work down a residential street when – all of the sudden – a little kid runs out into the road after a ball. You slam on your breaks hoping not to impale the child, only to come to an abrupt halt and say, “Where the hell did that little bastard go?” Congratulations. You just passed a Canadian safety group's new driving test: a 3D illusion of a young girl in the road. The 45-foot 2D figure takes 3D shape at about 50 feet and appears for 40 more feet and then disappears into terrifying oblivion. A spokeswoman for the company said it doesn't feel like hitting a child when a driver can't stop but that they're experimenting with rearview mirror illusions that will produce various animals flipping people off if they go too fast.


FOR A CHILDISH COLLECTION OF JOKES ABOUT WHO PAYS THE BILL WHEN GAY PEOPLE GO ON DATES, E-MAIL: dcross@citybeat.com

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
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