If you were lucky enough to be at a local drinking
establishment for the debut of Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman,
then it's likely that you are
still ashamed of the boner you got when he threw a 103 mile per-hour pitch
aware that Barack Obama was also making news this evening (on the
smaller TV, over in the corner by the weird karaoke lady). It turns out
that the president wasn't just popping in to talk about his plans for
Muslim-izing the nation but rather to officially announce the end of
America's combat mission in Iraq. Speaking from the Oval Office, Obama
described the huge price the U.S. has paid for toppling Saddam Hussein
— including an unpaid bill for customizing George Bush's children's
XL “Mission Accomplished” pilot uniform — but said even though
Operation Iraqi Freedom is over, the quest for Afghani women's suffrage
is just beginning.
THURSDAY SEPT. 2
Those of us who believe that people who protest military funerals in the name of God are most certainly going to hell if there actually is one (theirs will include a never-ending loop of Ricky Martin videos) were disappointed today to learn Stephen Hawking's latest thoughts on existence: that there doesn't need to be a God to explain the creation of the universe. The major evidence behind Hawking's latest publication is the 1992 finding of another planet orbiting a star just like earth and sun. Hawking said the coincidences of the planetary conditions make Earth's existence far less remarkable and that if God made the universe specifically for humans he wouldn't have let volcanoes exist.
FRIDAY SEPT. 3
Everybody knows that when it comes to automobile maintenance and responsible driving, there's only one rule and it's spoken in the dialect of a Westsider who went to public school: “Safety first, muh.” Cincinnatians largely follow such advice, according to an annual survey of the likeliness of crashes in America's largest cities. Cincinnati drivers ranked 79th in accident rate out of the 193 cities surveyed, averaging a crash every 9.8 years, down from its 62nd ranking last year.
Leading the nation in accident-proneness for the third straight year was Washington, D.C., whose drivers get in an accident once every 5.1 years, about the same rate that Democrats beat Republicans at something.
SATURDAY SEPT. 4
It's never been easy for Americans to accept that fact that their military can't find Osama bin Laden — it found Saddam Hussein super fast even though he was hiding underground, one of the few spots actually banned in “Hide and Seek.” (The others are attics and barns; too scary.) The AP reported today that the latest clue in the search for Osama came from none other than Fidel Castro, himself only recently coming out of a really good hiding spot in his bedroom. According to Castro, Bin Laden only popped up when Bush wanted to scare the world, specifically noting the time when Bush had him threaten Los Angeles because the Angels baseball team stole his idea for the rally monkey.
SUNDAY SEPT. 5
Those of us who spend inordinate amounts of time
analyzing the relative values of professional athletes for fantasy
sports purposes are well aware of how dorky this makes us — generally
somewhere between Star Wars fans and people with bumper stickers about
composting. The AP today reported that although this growing trend is
negatively affecting many people's relationships, social lives and
intelligence, it is greatly benefitting the bottom line for bar and
restaurant chains, many of which are offering draft party deals. Among
the promotions noted were Dave & Buster's offering a free draft
room, Buffalo Wild Wings giving away gift cards and Hooters paying
women to barely wear any clothes.
MONDAY SEPT. 6
It's Labor Day: You're off work and the sun is brightly shining, but there's something that keeps bugging you … enough that you just have to get on the Internet and complain about it. Lucky for you, that's what The Cincinnati Enquirer is for — momslikeme.com notwithstanding (it's the only way to find a good housecleaning person in the West Chester area) — and TV writer John Kiesewetter has just what you need: a place to complain about Fox 19's coverage of Sunday night's fireworks. Among Kiesewetter's beefs with the broadcast were not being able to see the tops of the fireworks and the lack of closeups on the floating Japanese Lanterns. Kiesewetter said his biggest problem was the wide-angle shot of the circles with a star inside because the reflection looked like a pentagram and it scared him.
TUESDAY SEPT. 7
When we at WWE! saw today's Enquirer headline, “Streetcar path lined with hope,” our first inclination was to cross out the word “hope” and replace it with a few of these: $$$. But then we feared that a literal interpretation might lead to an increase of poor people moving near the proposed streetcar route, which is actually the opposite of what some people believe will happen when the streetcar is built and property values along the route rise. Nevertheless, the corresponding point-and-click resulted in an analysis of property ownership along the eight-mile route, the most prominent of which is the Cincinnati Center City Development Corp (3CDC). A spokesman for 3CDC said the group knew nothing about streetcar plans when it purchased all the property, as evidenced by its many units in the West End that won't be worth anything until City Council becomes more open-minded about renovating the subway system.
E-MAIL YOUR PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTIONS OF CHAPMAN'S FIRST PITCH TO: email@example.com