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August 4-10: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · August 11th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY AUG. 4

If you were asked to write a caption underneath a photo of an old, overly tanned guy swinging a golf club, it would be perfectly reasonable to write something along the lines of “Cialis saved my marriage, but now I never get to golf.” That's not what's printed on a new billboard on I-75 South, as it was purchased by a group called Blue America in reference to the lavish lifestyle Rep. John Boehner leads while also leading the fight against liberals and the devil. The billboard, which reads “Beat Boehner,” directs readers to a Web site in support of Democrat Justin Coussoule, a West Point grad/lawyer from Liberty Township who says he doesn't really play golf because he's not an old asshole yet.

THURSDAY AUG. 5

There are perfectly good reasons to visit a local shopping mall on a Friday or Saturday night, the best of which involve none of the social disorders generally associated with people who go to malls on weekend nights. But for every responsible shopper popping in for a last-minute accessory at The Gap, there's about 15 teenagers who are up to no good (sex, drugs and ski ball). That's why Tri-County Mall today enacted a Youth Escort Policy that will ban teenagers without adult supervision after 4 p.m. The policy is similar to those adopted by Newport on the Levee and Dayton Mall, which have reported major changes in the demeanor of teenagers who try to post up next to Cinnabon with their moms.

FRIDAY AUG. 6

There are plenty of reasonable questions to ask of the U.S. government after witnessing several months of oil spillage, shaky federal responses and the extreme concern of BP employees on TV commercials (the guy from Louisiana seemed to care the most). But the AP reported today that for every one of us whose original question — WTF? — is still unanswered, there's a BP executive thinking something else: “So how much oil is still in the well?” The AP reported today that a company official confirmed that decisions still have to be made regarding the governmental oversight commercial viability of the site, with considerable power resting with the management of the lease.

The official said BP would be perfectly willing to ask the sea animals if they'd mind the company giving it another shot but they're all dead now.

SATURDAY AUG. 7

You don't have to be gay to support a California judge's decision to overturn the state's gay marriage ban — you don't even have to be gay to enjoy it in your own private sort of way. But according to opponents of same-sex marriage, the judge who overturns the ruling must not be gay himself. The AP reported today that conservative groups are concerned about Chief U.S. Judge Vaughn Walker's potential gayness, which would present a conflict of interest like when black judges rule on cases involving black people or female judges allow women to have full driving privileges (uh oh!). The rumor, originally reported by a newspaper and then confirmed by bloggers, was further fueled by photos of the judge from behind showing that he wasn't wearing any clothes under his robe.

SUNDAY AUG. 8

If your lifestyle dictates that you receive a hard copy of a daily newspaper, you woke up today to find a freshly printed Cincinnati Enquirer at your home — probably on your doorstep, definitely with some Pop Tarts coupons in it. Unfortunately, you also probably found a lead story that relates to people like you — those whose local school districts don't provide buses. Nearly a third of local public school districts have tax issues on the November ballot, many of which have cut bus funding for entire districts. Officials say it's important to cut as few in-class resources as possible, though many parents have accused their districts of trying to strong-arm them into voting for levies because driving kids to school is a pain in the ass.

MONDAY AUG. 9

What's worse than a psychologically damaged military veteran lazy, nonworking jerk asking for money on downtown city streets? A collection of perfectly healthy-looking teenagers doing it. Such was the scene over the weekend when a group of students from Mason practiced panhandling at the corner of Fountain Square. The exercise, organized by two teenage members of St. Susanna Parish in Mason (though not formally associated with the church in case real homeless people figure out what bus goes all the way out there and try to ask for more help), was meant to spread awareness about homelessness. The teen panhandlers reportedly held signs that read "Supporting dignity of all human life” and “Screw you dad I'm helping them!”

TUESDAY AUG. 10

We at WWE! are not the type to name names, so it's no surprise that we will not be divulging the identity of the 6-foot-6-inch white male whose drunken ceiling punch cracked the sunroof of our perfectly innocent automobile this past weekend (initials J.H.S.). But even we would be forced to tell the truth if the National Insurance Crime Bureau came questioning us due to the reported 14-percent rise in questionable insurance claims this year (Joey did it). According to reports, nearly half of the 8,000 claims suspected of fraud during the first half of this year involved automobiles, with owner-smashed car windows leading the way. When asked to comment on the trend, Joe Wehrle, president of the insurance industry group, painted a bleak picture of humanity and then cried a little bit.


QUESTIONS? COMMENTS?: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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