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Ozz/Wedding Fest, Beat Down and Iranian Music

By Mike Breen · August 4th, 2010 · Minimum Gauge


Bat Head Hors D'oeuvres Cost Extra

Ozzy Osbourne’s handlers win the prize for best moneymaking gimmick this underperforming summer concert season, offering “Unholy Matrimony” wedding packages at the six U.S. Ozzfest tour stops (three have already sold out). For the ungodly amount of $2,666, the bride and groom get 10 “pit” tickets, a backstage tour, cake, champagne, T-shirts, posters, guitar picks and earplugs. Ozzy will neither perform the ceremony (Ozzfest MC/ordained minister “Big Dave” will) nor meet the newlyweds, but the bride and groom can buy VIP meet-and-greet tickets for $999.99 a piece and get a photo with the Ozzster. That’s a fuck-load of cash, but hardcore fans will probably be happy to put off the honeymoon, house down-payment, having children and grocery shopping for a decade or so just to be able say, “Dude, we got hitched at Ozzfest!” Keep an eye out for Ozzfest’s 2011’s “Going Off the Rails on a Crazy Train” VIP divorce packages, where Ozzfest MC/divorce attorney “Big Dave” helps couples divide property (mostly T-shirts, posters, guitar picks, earplugs and Ozzfest 2010 ticket stubs) and work out custody arrangements for baby Mr. Crowley.


Key to Ending Racism: Headphones?

In 1963, Martin Luther King Jr.

talked about a dream he had in which — and we’re paraphrasing here — “little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers and listen and dance to Andy Williams and Sam Cooke without punching each other in the face.” A recent incident in Florida suggests we’ve still got a ways to go. Police arrested a black teen who, according to the police report, beat up a 22-year-old man listening to Gucci Mane because the man was white and therefore “shouldn’t be listening to Rap music.” The 14-year-old alleged attacker could face felony “hate crime” charges. And don’t think it doesn’t go both ways — on the same day, an elderly African-American woman in Portland wrote a scathing Facebook post about how bad her feelings were hurt when a group of white teens gawked unabashedly at her vintage Meat Is Murder Smiths T-shirts at a Shins concert.


Music Approaches Pork Status in Iran

Unlike wearing a mini skirt, it won’t get you a lashing just yet, but Iranian supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei’s recent comments that “promoting and teaching (music) is not compatible with the highest values of the sacred regime of the Islamic Republic” suggest the country could soon be turned into that small town in Footloose (if the cops had stoned Kevin Bacon to death in the first 10 minutes). President Seyed Mohammad Khatami took over in ’97 and loosened restrictions on western music and concerts (blame it on the crazy Grunge revolution), but, since 2005, current president/windbreaker enthusiast Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s regime has banned the distribution of thousands of albums and seldom gives permits for concerts. In his cushy “supreme leader” position, Khamenei has advised the youth to pursue “essential and useful skills” like science and to practice “sport and healthy recreations instead of music.” According to the UK’s The Guardian, Khamenei recently “likened his leadership to that of the Prophet Muhammad,” so these are not merely friendly suggestions.



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