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July 28-August 3: Worst Week Ever!

By Danny Cross · August 4th, 2010 · Worst Week Ever!
WEDNESDAY JULY 28

Hamilton County Sheriff Simon Leis today added “published writer” to his list of accomplishes in life %u2015 right between convicter of Jerry Springer and temporary convicter of Larry Flynt %u2015 when he described in an Enquirer editorial how a recent visit to Portland, Ore., made him change his mind about the proposed Cincinnati streetcar. Within the article, which included a brief description of the days when Leis used to ride streetcars from Mount Adams to Downtown and get shoeshines for a nickel, the sheriff described people from all walks of life riding the streetcar, with commuters and shoppers sharing space with children and students. The argument was mostly reasonable, though it is unclear why editors didn't alter the phrase “freaky lookin' skinny people” to be more specific.

THURSDAY JULY 29

There are some things every softball park operator needs to regulate %u2015 from the complicated scheduling process to regulating the amount of alcohol consumed by each player wearing number 69. The Enquirer today described the latest situation being monitored by the 2010 Cincinnati Metro Softball Tournament: how good the teams are that try to play in crappy divisions. According to local tow truck drivers softball experts, playing down a level is a common practice that allows quality teams to whoop the asses of lesser competition, which tournament organizers say discourages lesser experienced players from pursuing their dreams of a championship T-shirt. Most competitors support the park's stricter alignment, though some argued that everyone should be good at softball because they pitch the ball underhand.

FRIDAY JULY 30

The Bengals just signed one of the most controversial players in professional football %u2015 do you know where your stupid neighbor is? Probably at the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport, where nearly 100 fans and media members today waited for the arrival of Terrell Owens, who one day prior signed a contract to win the Super Bowl for the Bengals.

Reports described Owens upon arrival as quiet and professional, though one nearby passenger said after he got his bags that T.O took his shirt off and tried to race him on the moving walkway.

SATURDAY JULY 31

It sucks having to choose between two great-sounding dinner choices on a wedding invitation %u2015 the steak is tempting but so is the opportunity to eat fish without worrying about pooping your pants later. Numerous Web sites today reported that those who chose the “other” option on the Chelsea Clinton wedding invitations thinking the alternative to grass-fed beef was filet mignon found out the hard way that the bride is vegan (“Your Seitan Satay, sir ...”). The former First Daughter reportedly spent many an afternoon in the White House kitchen learning the cruelty-free ways of the vegan and then mastered her technique during college instead of partying and trying to find a husband that was cool.

SUNDAY AUG. 1

There are certain things that nobody can control, like the unavoidable end of existence or the types of shows CBS thinks are funny. But for every issue that's not worth worrying about %u2015 the continued development of the CSI series not withstanding %u2015 there's something as messed up as municipal salt inventory inconsistencies. Luckily the AP today warned local governments that incorrect worker estimations and the occasional “one-for-you, two-for-me” accounting of materials can cost a lot of money, with as much as 100 tons of salt recently having been found missing from a garage in Jefferson County. The local transportation manager there admitted to altering reports but said the salt wasn't stolen; his men just threw most of it away after a really good Tea Party rally over the summer.

MONDAY AUG. 2

Those of us who have suffered several sports injuries know how dedicated one must be to successfully rehab a joint injury (icing a shoulder makes you really cold!). We also know that it's difficult to adhere to many anti-inflammatory medications' instructions to “LIMIT ALCOHOL USE WHILE TAKING THIS DRUG DAILY” because “ALCOHOL USE IS RISKY.” But according to USA Today, those of us who choose the long-term effects of arthritis to the short-term effects of sobriety might actually be helping to keep one form of arthritis away: the rheumatoid kind. A new study suggests that by dampening the body's autoimmune response with alcohol one can potentially slow an autoimmune disease like rheumatoid arthritis. Researchers indicated that while their findings sound like that might be true that it isn't and should not be reported as such.

TUESDAY AUG. 3

With local streetcar funding and support increasing like the value of property along the proposed route, it's no wonder that some East-siders are wondering what's up with a proposed rail project that would link the eastern suburbs to the city. City Council Members Roxanne Qualls and Jeff Berding today co-authored a response to an allegedly inaccurate Enquirer story about the city hindering an Eastern Corridor funding request in favor of the streetcar, which garnered Qualls and Berding the nicknames "Conductor Qualls" and "A-HoleTrain Berding," respectively. The duo argued that the city cares a lot about other rail lines but that this one isn't as ready to be built as the high-speed train Procter & Gamble has planned to drop off its executives in Indian Hill before moving Tide's newest products to the East Coast.


INVESTORS WELCOME: dcross@citybeat.com


 
 
 
 

 

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